Rex Grossman
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“He may be a grossman but at least he's not griese'”
~ Terrible Pun on Rex Grossman
“Grossman ain't got shit on me!!”
~ Trent Dilfer
“Enjoy being number two, fucker!”
“I can't be that bad can I?”
~ Rex watching himself play
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[edit] Early life
Most of Grossman’s early records were destroyed by a mysterious arsonist known as Gex Rrosssman. However, research conducted by the NWA revealed that Rex was born, Miguel Sanchez, in Cambodia. Rex, or Sanchez was an esteemed car thief, earning honors as Cambodia’s #1 Car Thief for nine consecutive years. By coincide, or perhaps by pure destiny, American GI’s captured Sanchez during the Cambodian Incursion. Sanchez spent the next four years as fire starter, causing twenty-one separate forest fires in Vietnam and Laos. In 1971, the VietCong attacked Sanchez’s platoon. The VC failed to recognize Sanchez as one of their own and imprisoned him in a POW camp until John McCain, Rambo, Mr. Roboto saved him in 1988. En route to America, Sanchez threw a priceless T-Rex bone at McCain. The bone hit McCain, and knocked him out, causing Mr. Roboto to say “Gross man! He got boned by a Rex!”. Sanchez memorized the senseless jargon, and soon began to repeat it whenever people spoke English. Eventually, due to incoherent speech, people began to think his name was Rex “Bang a Gone” Grossman.
Sanchez (er… Grossman) landed in Indiana, where he restarted his car-stealing career. Sometime in the 90’s, Grossman killed a teenager, while attempting to steal his car. Grossman latter discovered that the boys name was also “Rex Grossman”. Grossman assumed his identity, and the rest was, as they say, history.
Grossman struggled during his high school years, as most of peers shunned him due to obsession with stealing cars and burning dog shit on Brett Favre’s lawn. He tried everything to earn their respect, including playing football. Grossman recalled his prior experience with throwing things, and quickly left the football field and went to the museum. Grossman stole a plethora of dinosaur bones and used them to kill his opponents. His exploits earned him the title, King of the Jews, since he claimed ownership of the religion after uncovering the bones of some Jewish man. The University of Florida saw his potential, and offered him a scholarship to their school of witchcraft. Grossman accepted, and accomplished many meaningless feats. In his most notable fuck-up, he sunk the lost city of Atlantis whilst attempting to conjure a glass of whiskey.
Grossman earned national recognition on the football field after throwing a game winning touchdown pass while smoking (self-proclaimed) “medicinal” marijuana. From Gross Man! To Grass Man, he became a sensation at Thug U, smoking many a bowl. He completed his collegiate career with a Heretic’s Degree in Blasphemy, and an Apprentice’s Degree in witchcraft, formally known as liberal arts.
[edit] Football career
“Fuck it, I'm going deep!”
~ Rex Grossman
“You mean I have to throw it to guys on MY team?”
~ Rex Grossman
“Talent? I'm fuckin' Rex Groosman!”
~ Rex Grossman
The Chicago Bears drafted Grossman in the 1st round of 2001 NFL Draft. However, Grossman had other plans, and insisted the Bears play other quarterbacks while he stole cars in near by parking lots. Therefore, the Bears organizations made up various excuses, mainly pertaining to the breaking made up bones. Grossman allegedly missed the 2004 season with a broken “konomuclus spincter”. Meanwhile, the Bears began to use other undead quarterbacks to cover Grossman’s tracks. After Grossmans car got stolen the only thing he could say was "shit happens".
After missing several seasons, Grossman returned to the football field in 2005 by ripping off Kyle Orton’s beard and decapitating Chad Hutchinson. Grossman was pleased to resume control of the Bears’ offense, saying, "Well, shit, Trent Dilfer got a Super Bowl ring the same way. Fo Sho!". Ironically, a group of Black Panthers lynched Dilfer the following Sunday..
In 2006, Grossman ate the soul of legendary Bear's quarterback Sid Luckman and gained his super powers. It was later confirmed that these observations were made by glass-eyed individuals. During week six of the 2006 season, Grossman stopped to take a piss at an Arizonian Gas station. After spending an eternity urinating, Brian Urlacher, stormed into the restroom and accidentally grabbed a Rex-look-alike, and forced him unto the team Bus. The Real Rex turned up weeks later, but was signed by the Cuban Comrades, the best soccer team in Latin America. Urlacher himself had to venture to Cuba to reclaim Grossman, But Grossman was caught sucking Lovie Smith's dick so he could play in the Super Bowl
After weeks of searching, the Real Rex was finally found. The Chicago Tribune claims he was hustling blind people in chess, while running an apparent bull-shit three ring circus. Grossman has stated he is eager to return to the Bears, and relieve emergency quarterback, Adolf Hitler, of his position. Hitler on the the hand, attempted to cook Grossman in his gas chamber, but was foiled by the Scooby-Doo gang. Grossman was never the same.
The final game of his career came on February 4, 2007, a day that Chicagoans will remember in infamy. On Super Bowl Sunday, he faced Peyton Manning, who claimed he would slash, gash, and cut Grossman’s ass for killing his brother, Eli Manning. Grossman’s Super Bowl outing was a stark polar opposite to his famed “Slingin’ in the Rain” college game; his critics dubbed the game, “sucking in the rain”, while fans jeered him. Grossman threw 22 interceptions in 18 attempts, including a pass intended for Colts’ Defender Bugaboo Jones that was caught by Bears’ receiver Muhsin Muhammad . The team was defeat by Joseph Addai, who won the SB MVP award, only to have it ripped from his hands by Manning. Manning later went on to win the Stanley Cup, and defeat “The Great One”. Grossman was subsequently deported from the country. He was last seen living in San Francisco, California, which seceded from the US in 2006. Grossman returned to Chicago in August, with a bitch a hangover. Lovie Smith, assuming Grossman had resurrected from the dead, prompted him to starting quaterback. However, Brian Griese reclaimed the role in the subsequent weeks following a gun fight.
[edit] Life after football
After the shooting, Grossman spent a significant period of his life as a history detective. Unfortunately, the only case he could get through was a case of donuts. He also dabbled time as a member of a rap group called, DMREX, which featured Grossman with Donovan McNabb, Cade McNown (who is as almighty as Chuck Norris), and Daunte Culpepper (who sucks) many other professional football failures. The rap group garnered much success in East Los Angeles. Their popularity culminated in 2009, when the Crips selected the band’s hit song, “Rex, Lies, and Statutory Rape” to be their battle hymn in the great battle for Los Angeles. Grossman was present during the Crips’ epic defeat in 2010, claiming, “Wow, even the paraplegic Bloods’ member is more mobile than me ”. According to Reports from the New York Times, Edgerrin James and Grossman were blasted off into space in search of a cure for cancer, and failed miserably. Grossman recently fused with his college football coach Steve Spurrier to create the menace known simply as Rex Spurrier.
[edit] Fun facts about Rex Grossman
- Rex Grossman's ancestors can be traced back to the jurassic period and were known as interceptaurus rexes
- Rex Grossman can deep throat an entire polish sausage without choking.
- Grossman is so flexible he can give himself frequent reach arounds.
- Caught salmonella having sex with a rooster.
- Tours with The Village People as an understudy in case this football thing doesn't work out.
- Is a terrific alto soprano.
- Can not go within 100 feet of Lance Bass, court order.
- Would like to someday visit Uranus.
- Owns a collie.....and some peanut butter.
- Big Gary Glitter fan.
- Lost his virginity backstage at a Mr. Universe competition.
- Rex Grossman hates Brussel spouts.
- Has a tattoo of Steve-O on his taint.
- Grossman produces only the highest quality bestiality pornography.
- Is fond of elderly fornication, and can go fornicate himself.
- Has worn out that one scene in Deliverance.
- Plays with He-Man dolls, but not in a healthy way.
- Is sofa king we todd ed.
- Science can not explain why he has a wet egg noodle for an arm.
- Doesn't bathe. Believes it's his right as a Mexican American.
- He is a cunt
- He is a twat
- He is shit
- He holds the best ever pass completion percentage in the nfl(to opposition players)
- He gets no bigger buzz than the one he gets when throwing interceptions
- He is a heroine addict
- He still thinks he's playing football.
- He is being punished for his sins by being on the roster of the Houston Texans.
- Voted as "The worst piece of shit of the decade" by Blueball Magazine.
- Wants to bag Katie Couric in bed, but would rather play with himself to do that.
- Calls Lovie Smith " Coach hate your fucking guts, dillhole!"
- After leaving the Chicago Bears, Rex implanted some of his DNA inside of Jay Cutler, so that Cutler would be as awesome as Grossman is.
[edit] See Also
[edit] External links
