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“If it wasn't for them pesky reviewers, I'd have been a poet.”
Widely considered to be one of the finest poems ever written, 'Ug Ug' was discovered on a cave wall over 2000 years ago in a cave in North Scouseland. It is the earliest example of homo-erotic poetry ever found. It is believed that this poem had such a ferocious effect on male readers that they felt driven by the wildest compulsion to rush to the cave and toss some bone.
A Viking thug
Gave me a tug
Took down a slug
His name was Doug
The trees all bend and shrug the wind whispers: ug ug ug
Wherein lies the power of these simple words to garner such an effect? Today, this poem seems fairly innocent and we marvel at its honest brutality. Herein lies the skill of the poetry reviewer. He alone is able to explain this power, this 'leximachography'. He is the master, the bees knees, the big cheese and the expertise. He comes from a long family of reviewers and for the sake of convenience we shall call him Bert. You must imagine that Bert's family have all but disappeared in a hushed up quicksand incident and he has chosen you, alone, to learn the witchery of his craft.
Understanding Your Audience
To understand your audience, you first have to realise that they are inferior to you. If you doubt this, then you will fail Bert and his lineage. Your audience are not just inferior to you in terms of poetry appreciation, they have much uglier elbows than you. They sleep with uglier people than you and they have a much lower life expectancy than you. They watch Daytime TV and are proud to admit it.
Now you understand their ilk, it is time to look at their inherent needs. They need to:
- be talked down to
- be made even more confused
- learn one thing they can show off with
That's it in a nutshell, no more, no less.
- HIT THEM HARD (HTH): Always start a review with the word, "Obviously". This will ensure that your audience is alienated from the outset and immediately feel inferior. They will not understand why it is, that what is so obvious, is so obvious. How could they possible have missed something so blatantly clear? They might even start to regret their Poetry 'Evening Class' subscriptions. The keener might even start to feel suicidal tendencies. If so, then you are working well.
- HEAL THEM (HT): Give them a break from the condescension in the middle. This is where you reel them in with the hope that they might just start to understand. Explain clearly a concept they have never up until now understood. Let them believe that they too understand and that they can pass this wisdom on to others.
- HIT THEM AGAIN (HTA): Then throw in some words that no one could ever understand. Link these to the most spurious reference that even an Oxford Graduate would give the ghost up on.
- KNOCK THEM OUT (KTO): End by summing up with words that have no relationship to anything that has been said before.
Your future fame and fortune are now in the bag. Within hours, girls will be queueing at the door and you will have the luxury of only allowing the 10's to enter.
For those of you who haven't caught the drift yet, below is Grand Master reviewer Johnny Pack's review of 'Ug Ug'. He creates here the classic formula from which all future reviewers have benefited.
Ug Ug (the review)
(HTH) "Obviously this is the quintessential love poem of its and future times."(HT) "The incredible rhythm and metre that this poet creates (two syllables followed by four syllables, repeated four times) is very much in keeping with Prehistoric Tantric sex techniques as recorded by Aztec warrior overlords. Using the two pronged meanings of slug is pure genius revealing a supermature poetic outlook by the young Dribulus.
(HTA) "Quantumexecutionally, Dribulus hangs us on the proverbial 'spinach leaf' before dragging the cotton to the far flung Silk Moth in a Grevorian Romance of Epicuriential proportions."
(KTO) "So, once again and as already stated, poetry has come up from its roots and gone back smelling of turnips."
“Such a moving review, it made me cry.”
“He has brought Dribulus alive to a whole new audience.”
“This is a two pipe review Watson.”
He brings to life the everyday existence of the modern farmer - Farming News
Spending The Money
So you've written the reviews, you've got the money, the girls are queueing up. What next? We asked 2,000 multi millionaire reviewers how they decided to live their lives.
- 80% decided Darts is the only life for them
- 15% decided on pork bellies cooked slowly with lashings of Smashed Potato
- 13% decided not to answer
- 12% were perturbed that so many other reviewers decided not to answer