Gamers

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Gamer sleeping

Lesly Cabane PC gamer after playing in a hardcore LAN party of World of Warcraft. Note last year's pass to E3 around neck.


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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Gamers.

Gamers are a very diverse group of Super-human athletes. They are thought to be cell divisions from the President of the game company Nintendo. While the Gamers are regarded as regular humans, they have amazing talents and abilities. They have been known to be able to play video games for days at a time living on Ballz energy drinks and cheetos or doritos; occasionally you may hear of one dying while playing games. These Gamers, however, are of a foreign variety and are considered to be oddities even by the Gamers themselves. The Gamers can also live without things that normal people need such as "human interaction","daylight" or "women".

  • (Side Note:) True to popular belief, Gamers will perish in direct sunlight, fear garlic,like to join band to flirt with ugly chicks, will burn when sprayed with holy water, and can only be killed by a silver bullet to the balls... well a silver bullet or days and days of non-stop world of warcraft, either one. Unlike people they can never get a tan, and in rare cases their skin will begin to fry. This can be prevented with new lead based sun block. Or by wearing a really bad ass pokemon shirt.

edit Background

Although Gamers are inherently diverse, they feel the need to segregate themselves so as to provide the arena in which and the tools with which to commence verbal battles with each other. Several evidences also indicate this sub-division was designed to further confuse you. (Need reference) Typically, Gamers are anti-social. This is particularly evident in their propensity to consider long hours of chat-room flaming to be an acceptably sociable event. Often, Gamers are accused of "having no life". Comments such as this are usually followed by further flaming and occasionally the suggestion that said Gamer should in fact "get a life". In response to this, gamers will get half-life so they can say that they have a form of life. It appears that in the heat of the moment, the absurdity of the logic behind such conversation evades the participants. Commonly Gamers will remain virgins up to and most likely beyond the age of 90. Having introduced this background knowledge, the topic of the aforementioned sub-divisions will now be breached. but these people live in the game and game is real life.

edit Communication

“Game chat is the latest communication medium to go from decadence to barbarianism without passing through comprehensibility in between — the unspeakable in pursuit of the unintelligible.”
~ Oscar Wilde on l33t

Game chat is presently the most common form of communication between Gamers. Although voice-chat mediums are becoming more commonly accepted within the community by the day, their intrinsic tendency to reveal most hither-to considered female characters to be men parading as female has caused a large majority of "female" interest in this medium to decline. Although many Gamers are considerably handicapped when it comes to the realm of male-female intercommunication, they nevertheless tend to follow the "females" wherever they go. Hence, game chat, although elementally clumsy, remains the definitive leader and will likely continue to do so until such time as women begin more readily participating in the act of Gaming. This Gamer proneness to follow the women in their choice of communication despite the great probability that said "woman" is in fact a male 40 year old virgin is yet another example of ignorance serving effectively as bliss.

Be all that as it may, the fact remains that game chat continues on to this very day in its state of perpetual deterioration. What originally began as snooty players forming perfect sentences and arguing about grammar has rapidly digressed to incomprehensible gibberish, which were it actually translated into actual English would not make any sense whatsoever anyway. Voice chat usually consists either of messages from alien worlds that somewhat resemble static, or of complete silence broken only infrequently by the phrase "anyone got a mike?"

edit Types of Gamers

edit N00b Gamers

N00bs are Gamers simultaneously loved and hated by all other Gamer subdivisions. It is impossible to escape N00bs. They manifest themselves in every game that has been or ever will be known to Gamers, or Human Kind for that matter. N00bs are hilarious. Whether or not this hilarity is intentional is highly debatable. Much of this hilarity is spawned by the N00b's magical ability to easily become pwned, regardless of circumstance or situation. Indeed, this remarkable capacity to be the focus of effortless pwnage has been the root of most recent research in the field of Gaming. In fact, cutting edge research in this subject focuses on discovering the exact mechanism by which a N00b becomes pwned in order to determine possible strategies for reducing the probability of such an occurrence. Successful strategies are set to be employed in cooperative gaming, if they are ever discovered. Sadly, the fact that all Gamers enjoy "Pwning N00bs" most often leads to widespread instances of the de-evolution of said research into senseless pwnage, flaming, fragging, and other such less useful practices. One thing has certainly become readily apparent though: N00bs can be loved. Whether or not this translation of love from a heartfelt caring to a twisted desire to maim can be considered healthy is yet to be determined. Generally, N00bs(nic featherby) are not accepted as actual Gamers and probably never will be. N00bs have several goals which set them apart from the other gamer types. The first of which is to become l33t instead of pwned. This senseless pursuit often leads N00bs to the edge of madness and beyond. Most of America's secluded island-style mental institutions are filled to the brim with N00bs driven mad by their pursuit of this relative impossibility. Standard Gamers escape this madness solely by accepting the fact that Foreign Gamers (see below) are and will forever remain a superior force to be reckoned with, as well as the fact that L33t Gamers (also see below) are in actuality homicidal computers hell-bent on the destruction of all virtual life. N00bs are a unique Gaming resource. Although they are readily replenishable, they are not easily farmed and indeed cannot be obtained by any process readily available. Yet they must be coming from somewhere. Ancient Egyptian Gamers spent years searching for some sort of "N00b (nic featherby)node" that could be picked, planted, mined, or otherwise farmed in order to produce N00bs ready for pwnage, but were unsuccessful in their quest. More recently, theories have arisen that N00bs are the result of pregnancy induced by an unintelligent man. (Existence of such men is yet to be proven) Finally, N00bs are well known both for their incredible luck and incredible lack of skill. Most stunning of all facts about noobs (nic featherby), however, is their ability to display both of these traits simultaneously.

edit Female Gamers

Can fit most other classes of gaming, thought to be usually more mellow than their male counter-parts, due to the fact that most of them are raging dykes. Main religion is the GamerchiX clan, a group of lesbos dedicated to getting more women to play games and join them in their pagan orgies. Many are found as uber-sexy to their fellow male gamers and studies have shown that they GET SUM more often than non-gaming chicks. Although they take many insults and teasing over XboxLive! they still maintain a strong but sometimes elusive presence there.

edit Emo Gamers

That's right, Emo Gamers exist. While there are very few and their gaming knowledge and play is solely and strictly limited to Final Fantasy games, Guitar Hero, Kingdom Hearts and old school Nintendo. They are considered highly specialized experts in this field. They typically lament on trivial things, such as why Sephiroth doesn't have any scars on his wrists. Little is known about the actual skill and composition of these Gamers, but it is known that they can be destroyed with heavy doses of sunlight (unlike most Gamers) and with other conventional weapons, such as pictures of rainbows and cute little bunnies.

edit Foreign Gamers

These Gamers are hated by all other Gamers. Little is known about their cult like-inner circles (this is attributed to the fact that no Gamer has taken the time to learn any language but l33t-speak, a dialect of English). Foreign Gamers are considered extremely dangerous in the gaming world. They are said to all be from Asia and are hard to have a conversation with. Foreign Gamers can actually speak other Gamers' languages, but decide not to just to get everyone pissed. If a Foreign Gamer is destroyed in Game-Play by a non-foreign Gamer he must take his mouse/controller and use it to bludgeon himself to death to regain his family's honor; this can take 5-8 days. The only non-foreign Gamer to own a foreign Gamer is a l33t Gamer.

edit L33t Gamers

IMGA0660

L33T gamers are naturally attracted to the L33T graphx, but can't a4d them!!!1!

L33t Gamers,are of the highest caliber of skill. They are known mainly for: being accused of "H4x0ring", pwning N00bs, pwning, and being Idols to everyone else. They are, however, less known for actually being computers who decide to 'pwn' people out of anger at their overlords. This computer behavior can be explained by "Intel Core Processors" which if you look at clearly states on the package that your computer will become disgruntled and homicidal. This explains why no one actually knows or has seen any L33t Gamers, save the rare and elusive L33t N1nj4.

edit Couch Gamers

These Gamers are hardly ever seen, but do exist. Couch Gamers are Gamers that never move from a couch while playing games, and play lame console rpgs which take no skill. In their mid-stages of life a Couch Gamer will have his refrigerator, gaming system, laptop, pee-bucket, and feeding tube centralized around the couch. Mothers have been known to stock, clean, and update all of these items. These Gamers can weigh up to 2,000 pounds and aren't born with legs, making moving from the couch impossible. Most people hate these Gamers because of their lacking social skills; this is a result from never actually, physically speaking to anyone except their mothers. These mothers are closely related to your mom. Initiatives are going around to kill off these Couch Gamers, mostly because they lack social skills, have no lives, aren't medically possible, and no one likes them. This is planned to be accomplished through the game DDR. DDR will kill the Couch Gamers using small amount of physical activity, almost any amount of which, it is widely known, can be used to force a Couch Gamer to death. No one has ever wanted to get close enough to observe a couch gamer due to the defensive odor, and fat layers around them, but it has been cited that they do not lack hands but have lost them within rolls of fat, and therefore they chew on controllers and keyboards to press buttons. The leader of the Couch Gamers is Zan, the largest of them all. No one knows why he is the leader, other than the fact that he threatened to squash the opposition, because he sucks at video games.

  • (Side Note:) The mere existence of Couch Gamers makes the Surgeon General cry himself to sleep every night.

edit PC Gamers

PC gamers play three types of games: First person shooters (FPS), Real Time Strategy (RTS) and Role-playing games (RPG). They are very needy and constantly complain that their needs aren't being met. The more indepth gamers get MODs for their favorite games on big sites. When not at play, they camp the forums and post that the games are unbalanced and broken. They complain about every aspect of the game yet have been playing non-stop since the beta. Governments all over the world are giving off prize money for whoever can solve this mystery, most of it is to pay for medical bills, including countless cases of carpal tunnel syndrome and frozen neck vertebrae.

IMGA0656

Hardcore gamers go for the hardcore games and high tech TVs.

PC gamers also scorn all consoles and handhelds. They see them as unnecessary and that half of their games are abominations from a country called Japan. They hate Japan more than anything and believe that only Europe or North-America should get any games. They complain that games from Japan have horrible voice acting but none of them realize how stupid Japanese voices already sound, and how bland American and European voices sound to the Japanese. They complain that the PC has the only form of RPGs out there yet they have never ever heard of Final Fantasy or Shadow Hearts: Super Emo Disney Showdown!!!

They're also known for having a strange obsession with making videos via Gmod, of dumpsters with thrusters attached to them or smiling ragdolls on fire, after posting them on Youtube. Gay sex and blowjobs are also regarded as "Humor". PC gamers have one group of friends and gather in herds to play their games together for many hours on end. They are looked down upon and are that in the bottom of the food chain. Their daily schedule consists of going to school, coming home and playing, then eating and playing until they go to bed.

PC Gamers are the species most likely to think non-gamers understand or are insulted by the word "noob," and least likely ever to correctly spell the letter "E" or the word "own."

Surgeons Warning: Try to evade most of them. Not to be confounded with the "Couch Gamer". (You can confound them with just about anything else though, as most are grade-school dropouts and are easily confounded).

edit Console Gamers

Console Gamers are the other greater species of Gamer. They are much more common, recognized by their low grades, limited understanding of technology, urges to play Final Fantasy and Kingdom Hearts, the emoest "games" on the planet. Many have been deceived into thinking that the Gamepad is better for playing FPSs. They thrive on conformity, happy to be just another uninspired console in the crowd.

The scum who employ such methods gather online and have some of the funniest scream fights ever. If you're bored some night, just log onto an Xbox Live! server and make some popcorn. It proves without fail that 14-year old pimply kids screeching "WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! FUCK YOU!!!!! FUCK YOUR FUCKING GAY ASS FAGGOT (More Homophobic Comments Here) MOM!!!!!! I HATE YOU!!!! ARRARARGHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!" at each other is funny. Most console gamers can be recognized by their names or "gamer tags" as they are commonly referred to. Most of the "tags" depict the gamers untold powers, or their utter domination over mythical creatures. The most powerful gamers have names such as, "Dragon Slayer", "Shadow Snip3r" or even "Dark Warrior."

Consoles although they are called "games consoles" are actually designed to run the flash games that even a mobile phone can run. But unlike a mobile phone the consoles lag on these games. Making pc the better choice for gamers.

Surgeon General's Warning: Stay the fuck away from ALL of them.

edit Part-Gamers

These aren't actually part of the Gamer race but are humans that play video games. These "Gamers" have time to do things other than play video games, or participate in video game related activities, in rare cases physical alternate activities. These are the Gamers that make web-comics, or in much more annoying cases make online diaries of every move that they have every made or ever will make in every video game, and the director's commentary on each of these moves. These types of gamers are typically interested in mainstream things like Grand Theft Sandwich, President Evil, Bowling for Beandip, Need for Speed The Race with no Winner, and Catwoman.

There are also fake gamers who say they made up the word "gamer." These said fakers commonly refer to themselves being IN the month of June!

edit Role-Playing Game Players:

The nerds. Yes, nerds. That’s because like actual nerds they know a shitload of that thing they do of which nobody else cares. They know their way around their chosen game's world better than their local town. Spells and abilities are to a RPG player as math and physics are to a nerd. RPG players can go on for hours talking about their items and how these are good against this kind of enemy while these are good against another kind of enemy. And that’s only if they’re a fighter kind of player. If they’re a mage or something they’ll not only talk about their items, but also about their spells. You’ve got to hand it to them. It’s just amazing that they know so much. But that kind of brainpower could be put to finding a cure for AIDS or something.

edit Women Role Players:

Women mostly have better things to do. Like their nails and hair, unless they’re smart. In which case they are uber smart and have more degrees than a thermometer. Attraction in an RPG is either 100% accurate to the real life girl, or 0% accurate to the real life girl. Never in between(although a recent satistic has found that at least 99.9% of gamers are in fact women.)

edit Real Time Strategy Game Players:

These people are the geeks or nerds or dweebs of the high school. They’re the stuck up bastards who think about suicide. They think it’s so hard to lead an army to victory. The problem with these people is that they focus so much on winning and their strategies that they don’t actually enjoy the game and end up cutting their wrists when they lose in the closest thing they’ll get to a full tournament. They think that there’s nothing better than commanding a vast army. They tend to lose value for all life whatsoever and get their idea of a general stuck so much into their head that they soon believe they can actually give orders to other people, but they usually end up dying. (note 99.9999% for Koreans fall into this category). This all fits in to 1 game: Starcraft. WARNING:DO NOT challenge a Korean at starcraft if you lose(which will always happen) they will come to your house and kill you!

However, 1 in 125 survive "Emo" to become quite good people... quite being the most important word in that sentence.

edit Retro Gamers

These are a rarer breed of obsessive deviants that believe that games are not fun anymore because they are all full of convincing sound and graphics and themes and that. They prefer a better world of pipes and growth inducing mushrooms. They may be obsessed by the dark art of emulation which can ingeniously turn your state-of-the-art PC/Mac into a flywheel and rat powered machine from a forgotten age and constantly mock console owners for paying for old games that can be obtained completely free and legally from government websites. Some go as far as to build elaborate arcade machines in their garages covered in hideous marble effect vinyl, cartoon characters and as many controls as possible. These are often called "Maim" machines in reference to what often happens when the retro gamer suggests to their significant other (as rare as they are) that their bee-yootiful machine be placed in the living room. They may play the same games over and over again often risking death from pixel-induced-parasyntisis - a well known disease caused by massive overexposure to the slightly oblong pixels favored in some early Namco games. By default a "Linux gamer" has no choice but to be a retro gamer but thankfully, this variant of retro gamer is unlikely to ever be seen in public.

edit Mac Gamer

Simultaneously an oxymoron and a moron, and typically a newfag. There are few Mac games, the best known of which is "Pretending to write a screenplay in Starbucks" which is best described as semi live action fantasy role play game.

edit Women Strategists:

Are either too airheaded to get the concept of RTS games or just simply don’t play the games. Those that do are actual goddesses. Or spawns of hell. Attractiveness is harder to tell in an RTS game. But pay attention to what units they make.

edit City Planning Game Players:

These are those weirdos that don’t talk to anybody. This is because there is no such thing as a multiplayer City Planner game and even if there was such thing as a multiplayer city planner, I highly doubt these lonely pieces of shit would interact with any one. They are known as SimCity players since nobody else knows/cares about other city planning games. They are more complex than RTS players when it comes to building but doesn’t matter cause they can’t fight back.

edit Women City Planners:

Since there’s no multiplayer no specific information on Women City Planners is available. But if they play City Planning games they must be smart.

edit Racing Game Players:

Literally the simplest of the simplest of gamers. That’s because all they do hold is hold down the gas button and turn. It’s not very complex to play a racing game. As a matter of fact an actual gamer could play with mental power alone. These pros don’t however, since they have better games to play. Which is why only the retards are left playing these games. The smarter ones actually press the brake button when turning. But it doesn’t matter anyways cause they can’t drive worth shit in real life. If the game allows a violent crashing, you can separate the most retarded ones by seeing who crashes on purpose and who crashes by accident. Those that don’t crash are pros of this kind of game. But then again nobody gives a shit.

Note this is not to be confused with "driving simulators," of which only one (Gran Turismo) exists, and which is entirely the province of the console gamers. Driving simulator(s) cannot be played multiplayer, as it is impossible to exclude the masses of racing game players from servers. They also require fairly expensive wheel controllers with force feedback and an accurate shift and clutch. This controller requirement is the main reason there has been no PC port, due to PC gamers' maniacal refusal to let go of the mouse and keyboard. Since there is no multiplayer to speak of, GT enthusiasts will spend hours on end driving around the same track trying to find the absolute perfect line, which of course they never do. They can drive around the same track contentedly for up to 5 years, which is important because it takes at least that long for new GT titles to be released.

edit Women Racers:

Not much of a difference from men racers. But tend to be sluttier. (See Gold diggers. They like them fancy cars).

edit Shooting Game Players:

Simply point and click. Moving is sorta complex too. But added together it’s still a simple game. Run around and shoot shit. Or don't run around at all, and just simply shoot shit. It really doesn't make that much a difference. When playing Multiplayer, you shoot shit, die, and come back to life to shoot shit again. This process is repeated till you can't be screwed playing anymore, pass out, or lag out of the game via shitty internet connections.

It can be said that there's no way of accomplishing anything great in life by playing shooters. This is 89% true according to the Israeli Government. Playing shooters not only decreases your coolness, but adds nerdiness to one of your attributes in life. No one's gonna look at you the same again. Not even the nerds. Depending on your skill, the nerds may start to admire you. Bear in mind that's not something you exactly want.

Basically, shooters are pointless. Here is the official instructions on how to play Halo online:

  1. Join/Create Game.
  2. Shoot shit.

That MAY seem simple, but it took your mom quite some time to perfect. Look at her now. She's fat alright, but also a rich MLG Pro! Be proud... be uhh.. very proud...

edit Women Shooters:

They’ll bother the shit out of you by text messaging. Constantly whining (in a flirting way) how other people are shooting them (omg, really?). They expect guys to let them kill them because that’s how it is in real life. They’ll also be constantly saying “nice job team” or “good job team” even if they were one of the first ones to die. But hey, this keeps up team morale (they think) which is a vital part of the game.

A bunch of dumb shit girls who made an Xbox live account mostly playing FPS games. They include girl, ms, chick, princess, hottie etc in their gamertag because they want to be spotted by gamers as unique gamer chicks. Their profile consists of things like: Yes, I'm a girl, get over it. Or... I'm hotter than the other girls that play. They talk really loud so that hopefully a guy will spot them and start talking to them say how cool it is to see a girl playing video games. Usually have a K-D ratio of 0.000003. The percent of these 'girl gamers' is on the rise because of the attention whores that work at Cosmo magazine tell them to be attention whores and play Xbox so guys will like them - NOT actually because they like video games. Sadly, most guys are dumb as hell and believe that these girls are 'cool'. Every time I see a gamertag that eludes to the fact they are girls, I puke in my mouth.

Beware: Young children, age approximately less than 13, are known to impersonate these beings in order to fulfill their secret dreams of having sexual realignment surgery. The easiest way to identify these kids is by their glass-shattering high pitched voice. However after surgery, they tend to have deeper voices than they originally had.

edit GTA Players:

They're the kind of people who will fucking laugh at you when you're dying and need help. Although the sad world of single player makes one pity such players, it must be acknowledged that these players are taught many of the important fundamentals of living a normal life. Smash the window, hi-jack the car, shoot/run over some random people and go eat a cheeseburger.

edit Women GTA Players:

Play because they get to learn how to be a prostitute and to satisfy a man. Despite popular belief, they ARE real.

edit Text Based Game players:

Are very, very verbose and tend to vastly use an exorbitant amount of words to say one half as much as what they wanted to originally say. They tend to have a good imagination, which is good because they can only have sex by imagining it.

edit Women Texters:

Hard to tell, but if there’s photos allowed, just because the picture is a girl doesn’t mean the person actually is a girl. Most girls also disguise as guys so nobody realizes that they are pathetic.

edit Sports Games Players:

Fatasses that are too fat to play sports in real life. They wish they could do those triple flip slam dunks. A rare kind since nobody plays sports games or they die of a heart attack at the age of 16.

edit Gradual mutation

Ss19

Two "characters" engaging in the gaming equivalent of cybersex, 'emotes' and all. These games don't really allow more closure than that.

The gamer's body eventually mutates to become accustomed to gaming circumstances. The stages are listed below:

  • Stage One:
Muscles slowly begin to atrophy in areas not used for gaming (legs, tongue, feet). Eyes begin to bulge.
  • Stage Two:
Skin covers unused body parts into a heaping pile of lard. Fingers besides the index finger and thumb on the right hand mutate into a fin, similar to the Penguin in Batman.
  • Stage Three:
Reverting to normal human form is now impossible. The eyes are now 4 inches wide, and the nose is now evolving into two small slits. Lips disappear. The gamer will likely require a wheelchair for transportation.
  • Stage Four:
Social abandonment begins. Hatred of light and outside weather sets in. The gamers intestines are now capable of holding in urine and bile for up to 14 days at a time. The wrists are now 1 in width while the bones in the legs are now fused together. Gamer is now completely dependent on video games, and spends 95% of his time playing. Average life expectancy for Stage 4 gamer is now 40 years.
  • stage five:
in some rare cases, stage one gamers skips stage 2-4 to go directly to stage five (without passing Go) only to revert into a handsome guy/girl (in these cases bisexuality is in fact normal, with or without the gamers willingness) only to attract girls/guys while still playing as much as a stage 4 gamer. life expectancy is at a minimum of 39 years. Stage four gamers is not very likely to evolve into stage five, but in those rare cases, their age goes back to 23 and their excessive lard collection is vaporized in a matter of seconds

Note: All stages are taken from the life of Ross Carmichael.

edit Unified Gamer Theory

Recently, scientist have made a breakthrough in gamerology, they have finally discovered a formula that describes all gamers.

GS = \frac{LTR}{PS}

where GS = Gaming Skill, LTR = Life Time Remaining, PS = Penis size.

Because Females have no penis, that would mean that a female gamer couldn't exist because that would involve dividing by zero. However, there are a few scientist who theorize that Female gamer's could exist despite the mathematical impossibility. They say that since Chuck Norris is the only known person to be able to divide by zero, then all female gamers must be the illegitimate daughters of Chuck Norris. This may also explain why they can kick your ass so easily.

edit Other

While Gamers mostly play video games they sometimes participate in other activities, such as:

  • Battle Card Games
  • Dungeons and Dragons
  • Being Pale
  • Not getting it when people aren't talking about games
  • Misspelling things outside of video games
  • Being computer experts (in some cases being computers)
  • Committing suicide after they get viruses
  • Being Nerds or Geeks
  • Endlessly talking about games to random people
  • Getting angry only when people argue that video games make people violent (and when pwned by a n00b)
  • Saying "lol" out loud
  • Speaking in l33t Speak
  • Dying alone
  • Trying to figure out into which category in this article they fit
  • Reading this article hoping to find something interesting

edit See also

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