Retard

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Gordon-Brown1

Gordon Brown. Considered to be Scotland's premier retard, although assessment against the Special Tree shows otherwise.

A retard, or Intellectually Disabled (ID) person, is the crude but amusing generalised term used to describe humans who are invariably recognised as cognitively and logically deficient, rendering them useless to society. Their retardation controversially allows them the comfort of complete ignorance and no personal responsibility within society.

Signs & Symptoms

There are many signs and symptoms a ''cabbage'' exudes in modern society. Their lack of cognitive ability frequently highlights their inability to exist in the world without carers, as does their poor memory skills, problem-solving incompetence and poor language and communication skills. Some retards may exhibit some or all of the commonly recognised symptoms below:

  • Dribbling or ‘globbing’ down their own shirt
  • Uncontrollable facial contortion
  • Inability to recognise words or numbers
  • Aggressive spewing of incoherent cobblers
  • Flaccid unnecessary masturbation in public
  • Holding hands with a middle aged woman near traffic lights
  • Complete general ignorance and/or irresponsibility
  • Lack of long, mid or short term memory
  • Wearing impractical clothes (such as flip-flops)
  • Purposely pooing on the toilet seat
  • Confusion

Terminology

The terminology used to describe retards is currently a hot debate within the World Health Organisation. Lobbyists have campaigned for a change in how IDs are referred to and have voiced a preference to using either ‘Mentally Disabled’ or ‘Intellectually Disabled’ with a view to reintroducing Smiley Face in the near future. Older terms such as Cabbage, Vegetable, Spastic and Mong are crude but are still considered acceptable providing they’re said with a knowing smile.

Causes

There are various causes and reasons a human can become a cabbage. 83% of mongs are afflicted with retardation at birth which commonly attributed to genetic abnormalities caused within in-breeding rural communities. The remaining 24% of ID cases can be caused by a wealth of other factors including:

  • Problems during pregnancy: Expectant mothers who perform fellatio on their knees can unwittingly damaged their unborn baby’s head by causing a swollen shiny head, deep heavy breathing then followed by a spumy act of horridness.
  • Mercury poisoning: Working soon-to-be mothers who clean top hats whilst pregnant can suffer mild mercury poisoning causing retardation of both mother and child.
  • Alcohol poisoning: Alcoholics expecting a baby regularly retard their baby each time they hit the brown stuff.

Other less common causes could be:

Diagnosis

Assessment and diagnosis is usually performed by a qualified GP, however not all GPs are qualified to verify retardation. As a result, the ‘Special Tree’ model was developed by William Stern in 1953 in an attempt to standardise qualification of retardation and to assist GPs cross reference potential mongs before they could cause wide-spread damage to society.

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