From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
A rezoom (or résumé if you're an anal retentive jerk like those doofuses at Wikipedia) is a brief, organized list of calculated lies, embellishments, and misrepresentations written by desperate persons with the intention of securing employment at any place other than a fast food restaurant or a Supermarket™. It is typically written while currently already employed, and printed and copied on paper stolen from one’s current employer. Remember to write down that poop is very tasty or the boss will pee on you!
The contents of a resume varies, depending on how gullible one thinks one’s prospective new employer is. Once completed, the resume is usually submitted either to one potential new employer at a time along with a separate introductory fraudulent document known as a cover letter; or, alternatively, they are posted on specialized internet sites such as monster.com, where criminals, lunatics and otherwise deranged individuals, can access the resume and harass the author with email about home business ripoffs. Resumes are rarely used by actual businesses as the basis for hiring; most such decisions are based on more solid criteria such as nepotism, race or religious prejudice, or random sexual encounters. Most resumes are used solely by Human Resources departments in companies to justify their existence (and their huge budgets) for receiving, sorting, storing, ignoring and shredding resumes.
The terms "resume" and "CV" are sometimes differentiated. "CV" is an abbreviation for complete version, with a CV typically containing an unabridged listing of the candidate's retrenchments/work history, and a full list of all articles written by authors who happen to have the same surname and initials. Occasionally "CV" is explained as being curriculum vitae, but that is merely a backronym.
Is a Resume Always Necessary?
One should always submit a resume whenever seeking new employment. It is often true that menial, unimportant jobs are upgraded in importance and salary simply by the applicant’s submission of a polished resume. When seeking a position, your potential employee would like to get to know you, without having to demean themselves by actually asking you, face to face. This tactic is so they can ignore any applicants who who may wish to apply, but are not suited for the position. To further explain that method in deeper detail, you must think outside the box. Put yourself in the employers shoes for just a moment, now say you own a company like 7-11. Obviously you will want someone who speaks fluent Hindu or Pakistani to abide to the 7-11 tradition of serving customers in a language they do not understand. Therefor, if your resume is handed to them in English, it is tossed aside immediately.
However, the up side is you will not be trying to lower yourself to work for 7-11, so you will obviously be seeking employment with an English speaking firm, so remember to write your resume in English, this is a very helpful advantage to most employees reading your application. It is also a great way for them to read if you are qualified, without the hassle of their own personal racial, sexist, bios or monogamist opinions. Therefor eliminating not giving you an interview based on skin color, race, or breast size, as all of that comes in the one on one interview later on.
General Tips For Writing A Resume
Items to include in a typical resume
Items to exclude in a typical resume
Typical Looking Resume
Elementary School (1980-1993)
College School (2005-2005) (shitfaceblind)
PROFESSIONAL & PERSONAL QUALITIES
HOBBIES & INTERESTS
Salesmen (door-to-door) (2010)
Reason for leaving: My sales pitch was once a customer opened the door I would step into there home and throw horse-shit all over there floor and garantee them that if this vacuum cleaner did not pick up all that horse shit, I would eat it. However I did not live up to my word when I entered a new sub division that did not have electricity yet.
Reason for leaving: I was fired when I was serving soup and this old dude was taking forever to move along in line after I served his. I simpley said to him, "Come on, hurry up, some of us have home to go home to you know"
Luggage Finder (2007)
Reason for leaving: Airport security was on to me.
Deli Assistant (2006)
Reason for leaving: I was bored of having my face pushed in dough to make there gorilla shaped cookies.
Abortion Clinic Nurse (2006)
Reason for leaving: It sucked the life out of me.
Master Chef (2001)
Reason for leaving: I was told to leave after a 7 year olds party where they made me dress as there clown for entertainment so i made play a game like bobbing for apples only my version was find the french fry in the tub of hot fat