Resident Evil 3

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[edit] Resident Evil 3

“I was in Resident Evil, goddammit!!!”

—- Jill on Resident Evil

“Hmm? Resident Evil? I dunno…I was pretty stoned.”

—- Any ex-hippie on Resident Evil

“I did a lot of things I’m not proud of. Resident Evil III was one of them. I- Huh? They don’t know about that? Oh. Uh, forget what I just said. I want that stricken from the record, by the way.”

—- George W. Bush on Why we went to war

“Honestly, it’s not mine!”

—- Simon Cowell on The Nemesis

[edit] Resident Evil 3

Resident Evil 3 is obviously the 3rd installment in the Resident Evil series, though reports have been found that say it is actually a government conspiracy to hide the real events of a war known as Resident Evil III: Nemesis. If you do not know what Resident Evil is, refer to this link.The following events are those that occur in the game Resident Evil 3, and are not what truly happened.

Anyway, the main character in the game is Jill Valentine, an obscure character who claims to have appeared in the first Resident Evil. This account, however, is not viable, as Jill claims a lot of things (due to her drug addiction back in the 80’s). It has been confirmed, however, that she did take part in the real events of Resident Evil III.

Jill begins the game inside a warehouse where she is besieged with the eternal idiocy of Dario Rosso, who is later killed. Jill proceeds to explore the city of Raccoon, which has been turned into a hellhole filled with flesh-eaters and monsters and covered in flames (see also- Hell)

Jill is later accompanied by Carlos Oliviera, an illegal immigrant from Mexico who travels the US in an attempt to make it big on American Idol. In his free time, Carlos moonlights as a repairman and mercenary. At this point, he is employed by the Umbrella Corporation as a mercenary, and receives $2 an hour. When he first meets Jill, she is almost killed by his horrible singing. In fact, all his singing does is attract the Nemesis, which is a giant beast of immense proportions that is ugly as hell and tries to kill everyone who cannot sing. Files were later received that pointed to Simon Cowell as the creator of the monster.

Luckily, Jill’s ex-comrade Brad Vickers appeared on the scene. Brad had been a solider in the first Resident Evil, and had abandoned his post at the first sign of trouble. He was killed by the Nemesis because it hates pussies, and Jill and Carlos managed to escape.

Later on, Jill and Carlos met Nicholai and Mikhail, two Russians. They worked for the Umbrella Corporation which, it was later revealed, was actually a front for the New Axis of Evil, formed by Adolf Hitler, Benito Mussolini, and Joseph Stalin. It was then revealed that Nicholai and Mikhail were communists, and they were attacked by Jill and Carlos, because even illegal immigrants are better than communists. Nicholai escaped, and Nicholai stayed with Jill, as a truce had been declared due to the lack of ammo. Mikhail was later killed when the Nemesis managed to enter the trolley that the group was riding in. Before his death, Mikhail realized that a Communist should share all wealth, including the most precious treasure of all- life. He blew himself up with a grenade, seemingly killing the monster and himself, and sending the trolley (still containing Jill and Carlos) off the tracks. This seemingly selfless act gained Mikhail the respect of none and the loathing of Jill and Carlos, the latter of whom was permanently scarred by the incident. (Carlos went though plastic surgery multiple times after this).

Also appearing in the game was Albert Wesker, who also claims to have appeared in Resident Evil 1 (It’s funny how many people do that, isn’t it?). He attempted to kill Jill over 30 times, using various traps that were 100% approved by Umbrella technician Wile E. Coyote.

Albert Wesker is a German commander also known as Alberto Weskeroff of the third Reich. He wears black sunglasses because he fells that they make him cool. This theory was disproved by Chuck Norris, who fells that accessories are not needed to be cool. Albert Wesker was an ordinary German until one day while attending a science exhibit he received a radioactive spider bite, thereby gaining multiple super powers (including super strength, super speed, invulnerability, and “spider-sense”), then deciding to use them for evil. His half-brother (born to a Russian mother), Piotr Parkervich, also received a similar bite, though decided to devote his powers to a more noble cause- money.

Albert Wesker was employed by Umbrella as a personal assistant to Julius Caesar, but his powers led to his promotion to assistant copy boy and chief of security. His job involved killing Jill and Carlos, and retrieving a package from a local convenience store, which was later confirmed to be the week’s groceries. Due to incompetence on the part of several zombies, Jill and Carlos managed to escape from Wesker and Nemesis, and reach a helicopter at the edge of the city. Wesker and Nemesis managed to escape, as did Jill and Carlos.

Meanwhile, the Axis of Evil enlisted Fidel Castro and his arsenal of nuclear weapons. Their first target- Raccoon City. As ominous music played, nuclear missiles rocketed toward the city. As the characters essential to the storyline escaped, the city was blown to bits, and the game ended. If the game disc is played backward, however, the true events are displayed, seconds before your Gamecube/PS2 internally combusts from the motion of the disk. The following account is what really happened, the true events of Resident Evil III: Nemesis.

[edit] Resident Evil III: Nemesis

Resident Evil III: Nemesis occurred when President Bush played a rock CD backwards in an attempt to go back in time and fix his career-crippling decision to go to war in the Middle East. This move resulted in Satan taking over all of Raccoon City in exchange for not taking over Bush’s mind (this trade was instigated by the President himself). Many of the events that transpired in the game really did happen, with the exception of a few.

1. Albert Wesker did not appear. Instead, Agent Smith was present, and he proceeded to battle Neo. It is rumored that before he was killed by Agent Smith, Neo taught both Jill and Chris how to “free their minds”. This explains how they escaped the city.

2. “Nemesis” was the codename for Saddam Hussein, who spent the entire game in jail, in his underwear.

3. The Axis of Evil was actually a mix of KKK remnants, Satan Worshippers, and Simple Plan. Capcom felt that Hitler, Mussolini, and Stalin were much more believable, and infinitely less scary.

The creator of the Resident Evil 3 game, Shinji Mikami, was executed by Bush for allowing the true events of Resident Evil III to be seen in the game (though the chances are almost impossible that the disc will play backwards). This defiant act won Mikami the respect of all government conspiracy nuts.

[edit] Where are they now?

Jill- Porn star in africa

Carlos- He managed to win American Idol, due to potentially damaging evidence he possessed that involved Simon Cowell and a certain Biological Weapon. (Paula was a done deal, and with Simon on board, he’s got 2/3 judges. America was convinced thanks to the state of the art tone-deafness corrector.) Carlos now resides in his Beverly Hills mansion, where Ryan Seacrest’s head is mounted over the mantle and his cousin Jose does odd jobs.

Brad- Dead

Nicholai- Guantanamo Bay

Wesker- Married to Nemesis

Nemesis- Married to Wesker

Everybody else- Who cares?

[edit] How to see Resident Evil III

There are 4 easy steps to playing your Resident Evil 3 disk backwards.

Materials

- Extra Gamecube/PS2

- Extra copy of the game

- Screwdriver

- Super Nerd

1. Gather all ingredients.

2. Have Super Nerd fix up system and play disk.

3. Listen to message, and then wait 5 seconds.

4. Use nerd as shield.

Please, show respect for the final work of Shinji Mikami- clean up the bits of your game.