From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Research is the search to find whether the property identified through a one is common to all or not”
“When a person steals information from one source, it is called plagiarism. When they steal it from multiple sources, it is called research.”
“An idiot is the one who does not know what one should know in order to be an intellect. Do you know what one should know in order to be an intellect? If you know, let me also know”
“Should one know everything in order to be an intellect?”
“Because I couldn't find it the first time!”
Research is a form of Plagiarism wherein ones copy from many as opposed to one.
There is much about the universe which is unknown.
This is commonly viewed as a good thing by most international businesses, who prefer the world to remain in ignorance as it makes it easier to manipulate. And as we all know, ignorance is bliss, so lets just keep it that way. Unfortunately, human babies are born with a desire to explore and understand their surroundings; a sense of curiosity which is satisfied only after complete stimulation of all the senses. Since this stimulation normally involves sex with an anatomically improbable partner, copious amounts of LSD and complete domination of the resources, population and intellectual property of the known universe, most humans die with their curiosity left intact.
To balance the gap between ignorance and knowledge, businesses will occasionally pay scientists to carry out research. A Research Scientist spends much of his time searching for common links between the known universe and the goals of his sponsor. When a link is found, a theory is drafted which postulates that the sponsor's goals will be good for consumers as individuals, or for Mankind in general. An experiment is devised which will prove beyond reasonable doubt that the theory is true. This allows the business to obtain government grants, the endorsement of environmental organisations such as Greenpeace, and 10% of the GDP of the Northern Hemisphere as profit on purchase of their products.
This would, of course, work a lot better if human beings were remotely interested in purchasing things which were good for them or the rest of the world. Some of the most successful companies to date are those which produce small tin boxes that move at incredibly high speeds while polluting the environment. This easily proven fact was itself used to prove a theory regarding the inherent suicidal tendencies of humanity in the 1980s, resulting in the purchase of seventy thousand half-litre bottles of vodka, nine hundred and sixty razor blades and a Sisters of Mercy album.
No one has yet contrived a theory which could support the purchase of Research Scientists. From this fact it is easy to deduce that any government, business or academic institution funding research is itself part of a far greater experiment.
Research can often cause problems in work situations. This is mainly when geezers called Gordon or Jeremy do far too much research. This subsequently results in other geezers called Howard having to pick up heavy amounts of Gordon's non research related work.