Republic of Rhodesia
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What's that? You don't agree with His Excellency, President for Life Robert Mugabe's official policies?
Mùjiābèisītǎn Rénmín Gònghéguó
Народная Республика Мугабестан
Narodnaya Respublika Mugabestan
Ludowo-Demokratyczna Republika Mugabestanu La Republique de Zimbobwie
Mugabestan, the Greatest Country in the Multiverse, unmatched by any other, which nobody can ever insult because Mugabe said so, and that you must submit to its will or else you will die, and that it is the highest power in the Multiverse because Mugabe said so (again), and our Dear Leader Mugabe shall personally execute those who insult his homeland, formerly known as the People's Republic of Zimbabwe-Rhodesia, and guess what we're a People's Republic, but that doesn't mean it's for the people because this People's Republic is for Mugabe only
Bread Basket of Africa (1965-1980)
Basket Case of Africa (1980-present)
|Motto: Yes Mugabe Can! OR In Mugabe We Trust|
|Anthem: Forward towards the Guns|
|Largest city||Mugabegrad (Bulawayo)|
|Official language(s)||Oldspeak, Weird Clicky Noises, Newspeak, Corruption, Mugabelish|
|National Hero(es)||Robert Mugabe|
|Established||Some time in the eighties.|
|Population||Fleeing as we speak|
|Major exports||Black supremacy|
|National animal||Robert Mugabe|
“I told you so. ”
Mugabestan, the kingdom formally and properly known as the People's Republic of Mugabestan, is a quaint little country, which has recently been slightly troubled by a shortage of cash machines. It hangs around in the Southern Hemisphere, mostly.
Overview and History
Cobbled together from all the best little pieces of Africa, this little country once achieved the distinction of nearly keeping its audiences on the edge of their seats for its entire precarious existence. Prior to the population renaming itself after one of Afrika Bambaataa's 'krew', Zimbanana (Zimbabwe/Mugabestan/Rhobabwe) was formerly known as Rhodesia. Rhodesia was originally created as a result of God's opinion that white people are better than blacks, and should be subjugated accordingly by Ian Smith. The subjugation reached its peak in 1982 with the formation of Rhodesia-Zimbabwe, the world's second hyphenated state.
But beneath the surface, storm clouds were brewing. A cult of racist blacks, led by their own deity, Robert Mugabe, fed off resentment against God and the white police who beat them up, staged a coup with AK-47s. After blundering their way to an anticlimatic victory, they drove Ian Smith from office, proceeding to drunkenly celebrate their heroic triumph for the next decade.
When the initial euphoria had subsided, however, everybody realised they had blissfully overlooked the fact that while the white Rhodesians certainly didn't run politics anymore, they still owned the entire country. Robert Mugabe, now the self-proclaimed Ultra Commander of Liberated Black People Everywhere, decided he needed more cash for his shopping sprees in Paris and began kicking white farmers off their ancestral lands so he could pillage their assets.
When a very angry international community became infuriated "at that ugly kaffir hatin' on whitey", Mugabe affirmed he wasn't a racist like his predecessors by allowing his henchmen to rape any person (or persons) they so pleased, proving that he hated his citizens equally. This historic event is commemorated annually on I Have AIDS, You Have AIDS Day.
The Republic ended sadly when the clever whites were driven out by the disgusting hurricane of Kafirs. The Kafir have now turned the bread basket of Africa into a steaming pile of shit. Many now regard Rhodesia as the arse end of Africa. Ban Ki Moon wishes that the UN devote its efforts to ridding the world of the black menace in Africa.
White Zimbos (Or lack thereof)
Once upon a time, in a beautiful African land far, far, away, a quarter of a million white people were very privileged and happy with their lives. They played cricket all day, gargled with champagne, and threw cute birthday parties on their private yachts. Later, some would return home to power-chug cans of Lion Lager until they lapsed into a coma, hunt the local 'darkies', and retire to the manic strains of "God Shave the King".
The fun ended when the white Drag Kings were replaced by black ones - who simply had no sense of humour. On the dawn of the twenty-first century, in fact, Rhodesia's white nationals were evicted from their posh estates. Almost overnight, their official status dwindled to that of curried onions and, with notably mediocre exceptions such as Ian Smith, most departed the country for distant new horizons such as "Souf Effrikka", "Oz-Traylia", "Noow Zaylaand", and "Canada Ay".
Life after White Flight
With the white people emigrating en masse, Robert Mugabe proudly became the first despot in history to cancel the recorded existence of a hyphenated state, immediately shortening "Zimbabwe-Rhodesia" to merely "Zimbabwe" by 2001. He permitted the country to join the United States of America after then-US leader George W. Bush offered $20 (75000% of Zimbabwe's "GDP") in exchange for acquiring exclusive poaching rights there.
On 22 July, 2008, due to rampant überinflation, Communism was imposed on Zimbabwe, which became known as the People's Republic of Mugabestan. Chinese, Russian, and Mugabese were instated as the only legal tongues.
Zimbabwe's economy is growing at a remarkable rate. A menial worker in Harare can expect to earn a wage twice as high as he did merely one week earlier. Zimbabwe doesn't need help from the United States, the European Union, or the international banking community, because the average person is already a billionaire.
Nearly everyone in the country is at least a millionaire, provided he occasionally looks down at the pavement for discarded bills, and some top level government officials are katrillionaires. Chairman Mugabe himself is a rajilamonaire, though he was once a gatillionaire before donating to charity. There are, however, restrictions on wealth, so no one can become a farrillionaire. There are also restrictions on banking, to protect that sector of the economy. They provide that no customer can withdraw more than the equivalent of 25 U.S. cents per day.
Western "analysts" claim that Zimbabwe is only so fabulously rich because of inflation, but Zimbabwe's economy is thriving. Skilled workers in Zimbabwe have crafted a bread worth $10 million per loaf.
- Land reform
Zimbabwe's booming economy dates back to about the time that Mugabe took power. This was followed by a program of land reform which, curiously, did nothing at all to the land. It only reformed the white folks who used to farm the land. Most of these were reformed all the way to South Africa or Western Europe, where they are successfully farming. Zimbabwe's farms are now managed by completely different people, whose formal training is in the use of the machete to protect Mugabe from bullying and other unkind remarks.
In 2008, Zimbabwe made history by becoming the country that invented banknotes with the denomination expressed in exponential form. Otherwise, the notes would have had to be made wider to make room for all the zeroes. Ironically, Zimbabweans do not know how to read numbers in exponential form such as 1014 as the whole country has gone down to the toilet.
Zimbabwe is also responsible for 90% of the world's research into how cool Robert Mugabe is. God knows who is to blame for the last 10%. Robert Mugabe also announced at a recent press conference that he has won the Nobel Prize for everything. Good on him. Moreover, he has also claimed that the current cholera outbreak was caused by Britain and America poisoning Zimbabwe's water supplies. Though we all know that can't be true because Americans are too obese to carry out such a feat, and that the average Brit would have to bring an NHS ward across the Mediterranean to poison anything at all.
This place is packed full of all the best culture of the region; simply put, it's harder to find more culture per square metre than anywhere else. Every month or so all the tribal leaders will make a sacrifice to the gods to thank them for the bountiful shit that they have received as a precious resources by killing a wildebeast without dying in a stampede. Meanwhile, Mugabe is so cultured he has killed or exiled a million Matabele people to prove he is not racist.
The greatest single consequence of all this excess culture is Museums, "Keep off the Grass" signs and Crazy Paving.
Not many people know that as little as 50% of these fall into disrepute. Unfortunately Efrem Zimbalist Jr., despite being named after the country has yet to accept his certificate, which sits on display at the National Homophonic Museum. Recently, groundbreaking ceremonies have beeen held in the city of Mugabegrad for the latest cultural enhancement in the history of ZANU-PF rule - a twelve floor edifice celebrating Robert Mugabe.
Censorship in Zimbabwe
Zimbabwe is heavy on Media censorship,mostly due to the fact that their current Ultra-Commander, Chairman Mugabe, does not like people cracking jokes about him. Because of this, anyone who jokes or speaks ill about Mugabe immediately has all their works banned in Mugabestan and has a fatwa issued for their death.
Politics in Zimbabwe
Zimbabwe is a fully functioning democracy, but due to hyper inflation could only afford one politic. The same goes for political parties. They could really only afford one. It is known as ZANU-PF, an acronym that stands for Zombie Arsehole Nazis United - Paranoid Faction. They would have called themselves the ANC African Nutters (and) Communists, but Nelson Mandela had already copyrighted the name.
Democracy Zimbabwe style means outlawing any opposition, If you start opposition party Bob give you nice pair of Concrete Boots. Recently Mugabe was forced to accept a power sharing arrangement with Morgan Tsvangirai, a man Mugabe had tried strenuously to kill for the past 12 years or more. In around July 2011 a famous old general of Mugabe's ZANU party dared suggest that the boss retire; a week later this chap died in a mysterious house fire.
Places in Zimbabwe
His Greatness the Chairman Robert Mugabe has decreed that all the place names must be changed because he could not pronounce Salisbury the capital, it has since changed to Mugabe (the Dear Leader's last name) the largest city, Bulawayo, has changed to Mugabegrad. Victoria Falls was since renamed Mugabe Falls, but quickly re-renamed afterwards (see below).
Mugabe, originally Salisbury, is the capital of Mugabestan, all the government officials live there and commoners aren't allowed anywhere near it. When Ian Smith was Prime Minister is was simply a run-of-the-mill Colonial city, but now that petrol is ridiculously expensive it's roads are basically race-tracks with pavements, South African youths often go there to race their new cars and go in the Pubs (which are empty) If you are considering going to Mugabe try not to crash into a Rolls Royce with a small black man with huge glasses in it.
It is the only place in Rhodesia not names after Mugabe, except for Mugabe town (which apparently has no link with the word Mugabe.). They just renamed it "Mugabe". Mugabe couldn't take it anymore.
Mugabegrad (originally Bulawayo) is the second city of Mugabestan, It is well known for being the city with the most petrol stations in the whole of Zimbanana, with a massive total of 2. Mugabegrad also has the cheapest bread in the country at the low price of Z$1,000,000,000,000,000(one quadrillion or $1,000 in new currency) per loaf.
The city of Mugabeville is located in the north west of Zimbabwe on the river Zambezi, It's only redeeming feature is blackmarket booze and it's Hydroelectric Dam (The only one in the whole of Southern Africa that actually provides electricity, all the others just eat into government funds and electrocute engineers. This one provides more electricity to political opponents' bodies than any other single facility in the whole continent.)
Mugaburg is the only city in Mugabestan where whites still form 10% of the population. Which is why Bob has decreed that it will be blown up in 2024 to celebrate his 100th birthday.
Mugabe Falls (Victoria Falls)
The Mugabe Falls were discovered in 1901 by a colonial explorer whose name history has chosen to forget, they were originally named Victoria Falls, in honour of the then Empress of India, Queen Victoria Saxe-Coburg. Of course, there is no water in Africa, but Victoria falls is just one of the many places where you can end your miserable life, by falling; as to speak.
- Air Zimbabwe
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- Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac
- Northern Rhodesia