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Bread Basket of Africa (1965–80)
Basket Case of Africa (1980–present)
|Motto: "Yes Mugabe Can!"|
Alternative: "In Mugabe We Trust"
|Anthem: "Forward Towards the Guns"|
|Official language(s)||Mugabeian, Oldspeak, Weird Clicky Noises, Newspeak, Corruption, Mugabelish|
|National hero(es)||Robert Mugabe|
|Established||As Rhodesia, under white imperialist pigs:|
Sometime in the '60s
As Zimbabwe, under rightful black rule:
Sometime in the '80s
|Population||Fleeing as we speak|
|Major exports||Black supremacy|
|National animal||Robert Mugabe|
“I told you so.”
Zimbabwe, formally the Republic of Mugabestan and formerly Rhodesia, is a quaint little African country that has recently been slightly troubled by a shortage of cash. It hangs around in the Southern Hemisphere, mostly.
edit 1965–74: Peace under Rhodesia
Cobbled together from all the best little pieces of Africa, this little country once achieved the distinction of nearly keeping its audiences on the edge of their seats for its entire precarious existence. Prior to the population renaming itself after one of Afrika Bambaataa's "krew", Zimbanana was formerly known as Rhodesia. Rhodesia was originally created as a result of God's opinion that white people are better than blacks, and should be subjugated accordingly by Ian Smith.
Once upon a time, in this beautiful African land far, far, away, a quarter of a million white people were very privileged and happy with their lives. They played cricket all day, gargled with champagne, and threw cute birthday parties on their private yachts. Later, some would return home to power-chug cans of Lion Lager until they lapsed into a coma, got carried home by the local 'munts', and retire to the manic strains of "God Shave the King".
edit 1975–79: Civil war and rebellion
But beneath the surface, storm clouds were brewing. The Zimbabwe African National Union, a cult of racist blacks led by their own deity, Robert Mugabe, fed off resentment against God and the white police who beat them up, and in 1975 staged a coup with AK-47s. After blundering their way to an anticlimatic victory, they drove Ian Smith from office, proceeding to drunkenly celebrate their heroic triumph for the next decade. The subjugation of blacks reached its nadir in 1979 with the formation of Zimbabwe-Rhodesia (also known as Rhobabwe), a transitory state from Smith's Rhodesia to Mugabe's Zimbabwe and the world's second hyphenated state.
The fun ended when the white Drag Kings were replaced by black ones — who simply had no sense of humour. On the dawn of the big-haired 1980s, in fact, Rhodesia's white nationals were evicted from their posh estates. Almost overnight, their official status dwindled to that of curried onions and, with notably mediocre exceptions such as Ian Smith, most departed the country for distant new horizons such as "Souf Effrikka", "Oz-Traylia", "Noow Zaylaand", and "Canada Ay".
edit 1980–present: Life after White Flight
With the white people emigrating en masse, Mugabe proudly became the first despot in history to cancel the recorded existence of a hyphenated state, immediately shortening "Zimbabwe-Rhodesia" to merely "Zimbabwe" in 1980.
When the initial euphoria had subsided, however, everybody realised they had blissfully overlooked the fact that while the white Rhodesians certainly didn't run politics anymore, they still owned the entire country, due to having built it (no one else having a clue as to how to do this). Mugabe, now the self-proclaimed Ultra Commander of Liberated Black People Everywhere, decided he needed more cash for his shopping sprees in Hong Kong and began kicking white farmers off their ancestral lands so he could pillage their assets. Having unfortunately forgotten to teach anyone else how to run the farms, this led to a food shortage, which Mugabe cleverly divined as a plot by British Imperialism to make him look bad.
When a very angry international community became infuriated "at that ugly kaffir hatin' on whitey", Mugabe affirmed he wasn't a racist like his predecessors by allowing his henchmen to rape any person (or persons) they so pleased, proving that he hated his citizens equally. This historic event is commemorated annually on I Have AIDS, You Have AIDS Day.
In 2008, due to rampant hyperinflation, communism was imposed on Zimbabwe, which became known as the People's Republic of Mugabestan. Chinese, Russian, and Mugabese were instated as the only legal tongues, and severe price controls were instituted. Unlike most states that have done this, the economy was not subsequently destroyed, but that was only because the economy was pretty well shot anyway.
Zimbabwe's economy is growing at a remarkable rate. A menial worker in Harare can expect to earn a wage twice as high as he did merely one week earlier. Zimbabwe doesn't need help from the United States, the European Union, or the international banking community, because the average person is already a billionaire.
Nearly everyone in the country is at least a millionaire, provided he occasionally looks down at the pavement for discarded bills, and some top level government officials are katrillionaires. Chairman Mugabe himself is a rajilamonaire, though he was once a gatillionaire before donating to charity. There are, however, restrictions on wealth, so no one can become a farrillionaire. There are also restrictions on banking, to protect that sector of the economy. They provide that no customer can withdraw more than the equivalent of 25 U.S. cents per day.
Western "analysts" claim that Zimbabwe is only so fabulously rich because of inflation, but Zimbabwe's economy is thriving. Skilled workers in Zimbabwe have crafted a bread worth $10 million per loaf. Loaves can be easily bought from numerous shops conveniently located just across the border.
- Government integrity
transparency.org gives the government of Zimbabwe an impressive score of 157, out of a possible 177, on the index of institutionalised corruption.
- Land reform
Zimbabwe's booming economy dates back to about the time that Mugabe took power. This was followed by a program of land reform which, curiously, did nothing at all to the land. It only reformed the white folks who used to farm the land. Most of these were reformed all the way to South Africa or Western Europe, where they are successfully farming. Zimbabwe's farms are now managed by completely different people, whose formal training is in the use of the machete to protect Mugabe from bullying and other unkind remarks. Suggestions that they actually learn how to farm and do some work rather than just engage in government-sponsored looting count as unkind remarks.
In 2008, Zimbabwe made history as a scientific government by issuing banknotes denominated in scientific notation (with exponents). Unfortunately, the average consumer does not know how to read this notation, and many sadly view 1014 as a single dollar more than 1013.
Mugabe claimed that the current cholera outbreak was caused by Britain and America poisoning Zimbabwe's water supplies. In fact, Americans are too obese to carry out such a feat, and the average Brit would have to bring an NHS ward across the Mediterranean to poison anything at all.
This place is packed full of all the best culture of the region; simply put, it's harder to find more culture per square metre than anywhere else. Every month or so all the tribal leaders will make a sacrifice to the gods to thank them for the bountiful shit that they have received as a precious resources by killing a wildebeast without dying in a stampede. Meanwhile, Mugabe is so cultured he has killed or exiled a million Matabele people to prove he is not racist.
The greatest single consequence of all this excess culture is Museums, "Keep off the Grass" signs and Crazy Paving.
As few as 50% of the country's museums have fallen into disrepute. Unfortunately Efrem Zimbalist Jr., despite being named after the country has yet to accept his certificate, which sits on display at the National Homophonic Museum.
Recently, groundbreaking ceremonies have beeen held in Mugabegrad for the latest cultural enhancement in the history of ZANU-PF rule — a twelve-floor edifice celebrating Robert Mugabe.
edit Censorship in Zimbabwe
Zimbabwe is heavy on Media censorship, mostly due to the fact that Mugabe does not like people cracking jokes about him. Anyone who jokes or speaks ill about Mugabe immediately has all their works banned and has a fatwa issued for their death.
edit Politics in Zimbabwe
Zimbabwe is a fully functioning democracy, but due to hyperinflation can only afford one political party, the ZANU-PF. They would have called themselves the ANC African Nutters (and) Communists, but Nelson Mandela had already copyrighted the name.
Democracy Zimbabwe style means outlawing any opposition. "If you start opposition party, Bob give you nice pair of Concrete Boots." There are limits on campaign finance; opposition candidates traditionally wage low-key campaigns from unmarked graves in the cellar of the Presidental Palace.
In 2014, Mugabe accepted a power-sharing arrangement with Morgan Tsvangirai, a man Mugabe had tried strenuously to kill for the past 12 years or more. He won the last election in a surprise upset victory. The surprise was that that election had been rigged so that he would lose, but Mugabe had become so unpopular that Tsvangirai won anyway. Bob announced a recount, and sent the Army and ZANU militia to burn down selected villages to smoke out any missing votes. Tsvangirai announced he could not put his (surviving) supporters through this and conceded. However, when international aid donors threatened to cut off all aid, Tsvangirai was given a power-sharing agreement as a consolation prize.
edit Notable locations
Mugabe has decreed that all the place names must be changed because he could not pronounce Salisbury. Its name is now Mugabe, which Mugabe has always found easier to pronounce. Likewise, the largest city, Bulawayo, is now Mugabegrad. Victoria Falls was since renamed Mugabe Falls, but quickly re-renamed afterwards.
edit Mugabe (Salisbury)
Mugabe, originally Salisbury, is the capital of Mugabestan, all the government officials live there and commoners aren't allowed anywhere near it. When Ian Smith was Prime Minister is was simply a run-of-the-mill Colonial city, but now that petrol is ridiculously expensive it's roads are basically race-tracks with pavements, South African youths often go there to race their new cars and go in the Pubs (which are empty) If you are considering going to Mugabe try not to crash into a Rolls Royce with a small black man with huge glasses in it.
edit Mugabegrad (Bulawayo)
Mugabegrad (originally Bulawayo) is the second city of Mugabestan, It is well known for being the city with the most petrol stations in the whole of Zimbanana, with a massive total of 2. Mugabegrad also has the cheapest bread in the country at the low price of Z$1,000,000,000,000,000(one quadrillion or $1,000 in new currency) per loaf.
edit Mugabeville (Kariba)
The city of Mugabeville is located in the north west of Zimbabwe on the river Zambezi, It's only redeeming feature is blackmarket booze and it's Hydroelectric Dam (The only one in the whole of Southern Africa that actually provides electricity, all the others just eat into government funds and electrocute engineers. This one provides more electricity to political opponents' bodies than any other single facility in the whole continent.)
edit Mugaburg (Umtali)
Mugaburg is the only city in Mugabestan where whites still form 10% of the population. Which is why Bob has decreed that it will be blown up in 2024 to celebrate his 100th birthday.
edit Mugabe Falls (Victoria Falls)
The Mugabe Falls were discovered in 1901 by a colonial explorer whose name history has chosen to forget, they were originally named Victoria Falls, in honour of the then Empress of India, Queen Victoria Saxe-Coburg. Of course, there is no water in Africa, but Victoria falls is just one of the many places where you can end your miserable life, by falling; as to speak.
edit See also
- Air Zimbabwe
- UnNews:Bangladesh blames economists: Dolar was not strong enough for Zimbabwe!
- Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac
- Northern Rhodesia