Religion

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ATTENTION TROLLS AND EVANGELICAN CHRISTIAN WEBSITES DEDICATED TO SPREADING THE WORD OF HIS HOLINESS GRAKTHAR: Please read the Beginner's Guide, and please be funny and not just stupid. Just cause you guys know it's Bullshit, don't take it out on the sane.

See. They are getting him down from the cross dammit!

“No, No, God Is Real. He just doesn't give a $@#%.”

~ Deist on Religion and God

“It's not right to talk about politics and religion”

~ Emily Post

“Hah, I won Park Place! I have a MONOPOLY on TRUTH!”

~ Fred Phelps

Religion is a lie used by rich retards to make money off poor retards. It has been around as long as there have been moronic people to believe in it; since the beginning of time. Some apologists argue that humanity did not have religion, we would all be goat raping sex fiends - which presumably is what they would be were it not for their religious beliefs.

It is a widespread and contagious mental illness with over 90% of the world's population infected with 1 or another of its many strains. Religion is usually brought on by infection by the group VI 'Facile And Ignorant Thinking Habits' virus more often known by the acronym FAITH. Symptoms involve believing something that is not only unproven but also outrageously illogical simply because someone (or occasionally a book), somewhere, says it's true. In this respect, faith can be considered the chronic form of the lesser mental disorder gullibility. For synonyms, see How To Make a Million Dollars. The official catch phrase of religion is "Give us your money, and you will have a good afterlife!", known to critics as the "Pie In The Sky" allegory. People often catch religion when asking themselves questions like Why am I not rich and successful, or a great lover etc.

Other symptoms involve slowing the process of science, donation of money to hobos, participation in race wars, a feeling of superiority over children, paedophiliac fetishes towards touching young boys, a sense of humour towards government jokes, a contradictory simultaneous avocation of anti-abortion and the death penalty, and spontaneous combustion.

It is commonly believed that religion is also able to manipulate one's personality/point like you may change people's views in such a way that the infected individual believes, and often inflicts upon others, the idea that masturbation is evil and masturbation in little boys is good, and that homosexuals(such as Charles Hill) are pure, undiluted evil and deserve no rights but when the believers rape children its good (see Christian logic). People infected with FAITH seem to have an addiction to being paedophiles who are members of the priesthood. But pedos are actually people and just like to rape kids as a hobby, like making aeroplane models therefore shouldn't be treated differently. And Doctors can't just shoot you full of Atheism to cure you either. They haven't invented liquid Atheism yet...

[edit] Treatment and Containment

The Bible on DVD; created for illiterate people in the Deep South. (Region 1 discs available)

Scientists are currently working on a cure for FAITH, and are hopeful to find an antidote within the time before Judgment Day. Scientists in Japan have been running a clinical trial injecting their subjects with 50cc's of common sense. The ingredients of common sense are so far unknown but the results so far are staggering. Japanese biochemist Ti Mi Schu has published a list of side effects that result from common sense.

1. Changing of political parties, from Republican to Democrat. 2. Joining of either book clubs and/or wine clubs. 3. Urge to purchase a hybrid. 4. The attendance of a college of liberal arts. 5. Bleeding from the eyes.

Due to the simple construction and short life cycle of viruses, when a selective pressure is applied to them ~~Evolution~~ the intelligent designer quickly rewrites the viral genome so it is resistant to the anti-viral drug. A well documented example of this is when the drug company "Flaming Dragon" created an antiviral drug in 1987 which banned teaching the Book how to make Ice. This selective pressure led to a new resistant strain of the faith virus called intelligent design. A recent development by the drug company "The Nuns" has overcome this strain in 2006. It is only a matter of time before a new resistant strain emerges. The leading researcher in the field of overcoming the virus of faith is Cheif. Watches you pee from the University of the study and use of boobies and cocktails (also known as the University of Hot Knockers); he created a mild anti-religious anti-viral program. A more effective software package was developed by Christopher flip off the smartarse Hitchens.

Example of anti-religious viral software. Compatible with human brain version 6.0.

Unitarian Universalism is sometimes suggested as a cure, but some would argue that it is simply a weakened version of the same virus that inoculates against the more extreme strains, resulting in less troubling symptoms, such as Agnosticism.

Normal Religious affliction can often be treated with simple exposure to pornography, fast application of spirited liquors, smoking or ingesting cannabis, meeting a scientist or visiting a psychologist. In fact, Because of the magical, healing properties associated with Beer, a cult very similar to a religion has emerged to celebrate and promote this wonderful drink. However, as alcohol is perfectly wonderful, and as drunkenness a doctor-recommended state of existence for all humans, worshippers of beer are tolerated, and in some cases supported by the state. Because beer is such a remarkable cure for Religion, people infected with religion instinctively seek to destroy its consumption at all turns. As such, another useful test for determining how severely affected someone is by Religion, is their willingness to ingest this remarkable substance.

The only harm related to consumption of beer has generally come from those seeking to destroy it. (See also Beer in religion)

For those in need of serious help, there is a more powerful version out there.

Those suffering from S.T.I are nearly untreatable however, and may soon lapse into complete intractable boorishness. Some Fundamentalists may be cured by extreme exposure to both science and logic but most Fundamentalists stubbornly resist treatment. Because of the violence and anti-social behaviour associated with Fundamentalism-induced religious affliction, these sad souls must be isolated from the normal population at great cost to society.

Due to unsafe sexual practices and a lack of limits on childbearing, religion is currently pandemic, affecting millions of people on every major continent. In fact, some nations are so infected by religion that it is now impossible for anyone not tragically infected to achieve political office or even influence over educational policy. Such nations are increasingly considered to be dangerous to friend and foe alike. (See also The USA.)

The United Nations is currently experimenting with a massive education and treatment program designed to minimize the negative effects of religion. However, because several of the world's most powerful nations are dominated by the afflicted, this program has so far met with little success. Meanwhile, most esteemed intellectuals have become convinced that only Death Metal can save us now. Fundamentalists are aware of the power of Death Metal and are actively trying to counter that with the warped music known as Contemporary Christian Radio.

[edit] Religious Apologetics

Apologists attempt to demonstrate the tenets of their faith with rigorous arguments. As such, religious apologists greatly hamper the efforts of those who seek to exorcise society's demon of religion.

One of the most famous arguments for the existence of an omnipotent God is the ontological argument. Its reasoning goes something like this:

God is, by definition, a being greater than which nothing can be conceived (imagined).
Existence in reality is greater than existence in the mind.
God must exist in reality; if God did not, then God would not be that than which nothing greater can be conceived (imagined).

This argument can be countered by similar reasoning, however:

The creation of the world is the most marvellous achievement imaginable.
The merit of an achievement is the product of (a) its intrinsic quality, and (b) the ability of its creator.
The greater the disability (or handicap) of the creator, the more impressive the achievement.
The most formidable handicap for a creator would be non-existence.
Therefore if we suppose that the universe is the product of an existent creator we can conceive a greater being — namely, one who created everything while not existing.
Therefore, God does not exist.

[edit] Christianity and Science

For many years there have been sceptical peoples that claim many miracles that Jesus performed can be done by David Blane and Chris Angel, such as walking on water. Now, a session was held with the Pope and the Head Science Chief Of All That Is Sciency and decided to compromise.

Religion: Jesus came back from the dead.

Science: Similar scenario depicted in hit Japanese television show Dragonball Z.

Christianity: Jesus can fly.

Science: Criss Angel can fly.

Compromise: Criss Angel must be Jesus.

Chuck Norris could kill God and Jesus

Truth: Criss Angel is Uber Jesus.

Christianity: Jesus walked on water. Alleluia, it's a miracle.

Science: Criss Angel walks on water, what's so great about Jesus?

Tidbit: Lizards walk on water, what's so great about Jesus?

Compromise: Criss Angel must be Jesus. Jesus must be a lizard.

Truth: Criss Angel (Raptor Jesus) is a lizard.

Christianity: Jesus fed a whole crowd on 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish.

Science: Mr T fed a crowd of Ethiopians on nothing but pity and 2 snickers.

Compromise: Mr T is black Jesus.

Mr T: I ain't no Jesus! I pity the fool who calls me Jesus!

Truth: Jesus is Mr T's Bitch who abused the awesomeness of Mr T.

Morality: We should all be worshipping Mr T instead of that noob Jesus.

Religion: Jesus turned water into wine.

Science: Kool-Aid can turn water into punch.

Compromise: The Kool-Aid man ripped off Jesus.

Truth: Kool-Aid man is really Satan.

Morality: don't drink the Kool-Aid handed out in Jonestown, it's spiked with religious rhetoric from Jesus' fan club! Even Jesus cannot stand those lamers!

Religion: Jesus healed people.

Science: So do doctors...

Religion: Jesus was a baller.

Science: No, he never existed.

Compromise: From Tuesday to Thursday, Jesus wears a Rolex and drives a Lexus. From Friday to Monday, Jesus was never here, OK?

[edit] The ReliRelic Community

Not long after the introduction of Tha Intarweb, the underground community of relic collectors and traders utilized this new medium to form one of the most active communities online today outnumbering the bodyparts_of_Oscar_Wilde_or_Kermit_the_frog collectors community by a factor of 3 left thumbs. Common articles traded within the group are Pieces-of-vinger, Blood with weird properties, ribs and various pieces of clothing and personal belongings.

Famous trades:

Both of Joseph's left hands were traded in 1992 for one foot (damaged) that belonged to Jesus
The staff that belonged to Moses was swapped for 10,000 copies of The Da Vinci Code ( with some Asian boat captain )
Half of Oscar Wilde's holy men finger bone collection was traded for a very stiff drink

The most sought after pieces include:

Mary Magdalene Contraception recipes from the Nazareth drugstore
Politico/religious satire sketches drawn by famous Muslim prophets
Parts of Saint Peter's Roman commando battle suit
Any arm that belonged to Kali the gOD of Tang and other soluble beverages.
8 Track recordings of the VOICE OF gOD

Tips for beginning religious relic collectors:

Building a collection can be slow. Start with easy items like pieces of Popes ( there are plenty to go around )
For fleshy relics you need proper storage. Start out with solid items that do not rot ( at least not too much )
Beware of fakes. There are enough splinters from the cross of Jesus around to build 14 Noah's Arks
Remember - the most valuable or desirable relics are not always the most expensive. Don't get tricked into buying a penguin corpse just because it's the most expensive item to supposedly touch Jesus.

Famous relic traders:

Bill Gates, Known to wear a clip-on beard made from gODs beard hair ( the shaving date unknown ).
Oscar Wilde, Still the biggest collection of holy men's fingerbones.
Tom Cruise, Obsessed by holy men leisure sofas ( claimed to own a couch owned by King David )
Catholic Church, Everything including Abraham's kitchen sink

[edit] Religious Groups

[edit] Religion of Uncyclopedia

The official Religion of Uncyclopedia is the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. This is the letter to the Kansas Schools about the religion.

I am writing you with much concern after having read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design should be taught along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design.

Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.

It is for this reason that I’m writing you today, to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. I’m sure you see where we are coming from. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.

Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don’t understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artefact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artefact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.

I’m sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taught this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize that observable evidence is at the discretion of a Flying Spaghetti Monster. Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outfit, which of course is full pirate regalia. I cannot stress the importance of this enough, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming too long. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we don’t.

You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.

In conclusion, thank you for taking the time to hear our views and beliefs. I hope I was able to convey the importance of teaching this theory to your students. We will of course be able to train the teachers in this alternate theory. I am eagerly awaiting your response, and hope dearly that no legal action will need to be taken. I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.

Sincerely Yours,

Bobby Henderson, concerned citizen.

MAKING PORN A RELIGION.

by. precious fanny, mike hunt and york hunt.

making porn a religion is a pivotal issue in society as it is seen as one of the most addictive forms of media in the world today. racoons tend to be the main culprut in the pushbike helmet laws and they also snort to much huff kitten litter. they also eat too much of mike hunt and luv to make york hunt bleed. so if we make porn a religion york hunt and mike hunt will be able to live better lives like precious fanny does. NOOIIICEEE!!!!. petron is a $dollar bottle of tequila that gangsta's drink.

suimin noodles with oriental chicken flavour, 70g, taste of the orient, used by 19.11.10. ingredients, weat, flour, vegetable oil, anti oxitant e320 salt, flavour sachet, salt, flavour enhancers,hydroliysed vegtable protein, soy sauce powder. store in a cool dry place