Religion in The Philippines

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Religion in The Philippines has always existed ever since homo-sapiens with a wicked sense of imagination arrived in the has-been land bridge. Right now, The Great Theocratic Empire is ruled by the facade thanks to some guys in a white robe with weird tall hats originally intended for rabbits.

Humble Beginnings

It all started 30,000 years ago when Mr. Bathala ordered a scout brigade from the malaya lands which is lead by Larry King. They used a modified advance ship used by Lord Xenu known as a DC-8. The only difference was this ship can't fly since they can't pay $100000000000 in total, so they only paid $1000000 where they received a modified version used as a boat. Larry King and Bathala actually had the money but they used it all up for DNA elixirs so that they would never grow old. The Philippines was a land bridge back then. But they needed a boat since Larry King and his scout brigade wanted to look cool and all mighty to the painter they brought with. They arrived in what would be Luzon and set up a base of operations. As they achieved their goal, Larry King decided to leave The Philippines in search of Neanderthals to rape.

After 230 years, the descendants of the scout brigade had spread in the entire land bridge and created an empire known as "The Empire of the Descendants of the Scout Brigade that Larry King left in Search of Neanderthals to Rape" or in short, "We Came Here First Empire". They created rice terraces to look cool and all mighty to their supreme leader, Bathala. They created villages and cities, conquered enemy cities which was ruled by The Crab People and ruled the entire land bridge. But thanks to Mr. Global Warming, the last ice age subsided and sank a large portion of the land bridge including some villages and made The Philippines into a archipelago we know and love today. This was known as The Flood where the gods decided that the Earth was too cold and decided to warm it up a little bit.

Invasion of The Arabs

Just when a a stupid flood was bad enough, diaper heads decided to take the land of Mindanao. The Muslims brought camels to the natives and gave them an epiphany. This made the We Came Here First Empire angry and declared a war on the invading infidels. The Arabs decided to conquer the islands of Visayas, but the We Came Here First Empire unleashed a secret weapon called Buddhism. The natives made a deal with the neighbor country of China and decided to help them in exchange for cows and rice. This made the Arabs defenseless until they unleashed their own secret weapon called misogyny. The We Came Here First Empire relied on women to make weapons of mass destruction to combat the invaders. But thanks to some bribery convincing, the natives decided to defunct all women in their holy crusade and relied on The Crab People to make their weapons. This failed however since they don't have apposable thumbs and fingers. This gave the We Came Here First Empire a weapons shortage and the crushing defeat in Visayas.

The natives prayed to their god Mr. Bathala but as gods always say "The reason we gave you free will is to use it, can't help you dude". As the rag heads approach the main island of Luzon, Lord Xenu and his strike brigade helped the We Came Here First Empire and crushed the Muslim's invasion force. In one of the scrolls discovered by historians, it stated;

"OH FUCK! OH FUCK! TOM CRUISE IS RAPING ME! TOM CRUISE IS RAPING ME!!!! -Arabian Warrior"

Stated in one of the scrolls now in a very safe storage. Another scroll states;

"As the A-minded ones ruled by thy Lord Xenu invaded thy enemy, most of them thy raped the infidels into their damnation."

The We Came Here First Empire, along with Lord Xenu and The Crab People had a plan to retain Visayas but instead, they had a deal with the Arabs. Both of them accepted the deal and alas, the Muslims got Mindanao while the We Came Here First Empire got Luzon and Visayas. Lord Xenu and his fellow Scientologists decided to go and do other more important things.

The Christian Crusaders

When "The United Nations of Esperanza de Kinsenieta Dios Mio" which is now called Spain decided to banish Magellan due to a lost in a Kung Fu match. The only way he could return is to find a new country for The Empire and for The Invisible Sky Daddy. After crossing both the Atlantic ocean, the Pacific ocean and a stop over from Guam. Magellan had finally seen The Philippine Islands. Back then, it was referred as "The Land of Constipation" and the We Came Here First Empire was now separated into thousands of state villages. Magellan saw a human-fish hybrid called Lapu Lapu who decided to eat his people. By boasting that 60 men is suffice to eat 1,200 fishes, Magellan and his army's ass was raped and had to suspend the crusade. Magellan died and his remaining army returned to The United Nations of Esperanza de Kinsenieta Dios Mio to tell Lord Philip of the find. They decided to name the new land as "The Philippine Islands" in honor of The Lord and Master and The Invisible Sky Daddy.

Philip decided to form an invasion force, placing Miguel López de Legaspi in charge. Miguel promised to his master "That this is The United Nations of Esperanza de Kinsenieta Dios Miooooooooooooooooo!" or whatever bat fuck insane thing he said. When they arrived, this kind of happened.

Sparta

As Mr. Miguel's General-Enforcer, King Spongebob of Atlantia de Ocho was killed by the natives. Miguel decided to ask help from The Republican Party. The Republican Party gave Miguel the power of The Word of God and some kick ass guns and ammo. From that day onward, The Philippines was theirs.

During the occupation of The United Nations of Esperanza de Kinsenieta Dios Miooooooooooooooooo. The Spaniards were able to brainwash convert the majority of the Filipinos into redneck Jesus-lovin' retards. Except in Mindanao where the population was able to hold out the invaders and still retain their retardation religion.

Pre-Religion Ruled Period

Machine gun cat

The American welcoming party mascot

When the United States decided to kick The United Nations of Esperanza de Kinsenieta Dios Mio out of the country and became the new rulers, new beliefs appeared in front of the Filipinos. One is called Secular Humanism, where people believe that religion is a scam and that all it wants is your brain and some money to spend at Mcdonalds. Another one is We are the true Christianism. In which the belief is to kick the Catholocism's ass into extinction.


This is where the INC(iglesia ni cristo) or church of christ,in english, comes. A private organization that making paybaack to those people that messing on it. Known for being a bloc voter and one of the most powerful secret organization in the philippines.


As Hitler's arrogance ends. The Americans decided that The Philippines was strong enough to stand on its own. This is where religious fundamentalists like the INC and The Catholic Church grew its power. And as their power grew, so did its influence in brainwashing showing the Filipinos the bulshit light.

Apparently that has almost failed when a guy called Mr.Ferdinand got brainwashed by his wife Empress Imelda in order to steal all the shoes in the world and become the leader of the fourty-eleventh-seventy seventh republic. This was a big wall for the fundies since all they can do is talk bullshit on the radio about how cool and awesome they are.

So the Catholic Church decided to call their headquarters The Vatican in order to call Pope John Paul II for direct help and some extra eight year old boys to rape. So the former pope decided to take things directly and go to The Philippines himself to rape him convince the puppet president to give him a back massage cause some relief. So martial law was lifted but this wasn't enough for the religious fundies so they assassinated an opposition leader called Ninoy Aquino to invoke the EDSA volcano to erupt and cause some massive bullshit.

The Modern Times

And so, the Church's plan worked and The Philippines became the The Great Theocratic Empire which is known today. The Church's power of "Suck my dick asshole, yeah you would see some mayonaise their and with no condom" returned. Along with a new found power known as the INC, the INC's power has also risen in a form of controlling the elections for candidates they want to fuck up the country improve the country.

New forms of religion has also arisen during the 90's and early 2000's. These beliefs are Wowoweeism, Eat Bulagaism and Pacquaoism. These beliefs have both combined with The Catholic Church and The INC. But Wowoweeism and Eat Bulagaism still has some occasional fights ESPECIALLY on TV to raise the ratings to let the whole empire know.

As the Catholic Church and the INC rule much of the lands, in the southern lands remain the Muslims who still fight for their brainwashed bullshit beliefs and power from both the Church and the INC. As Filipinos can't escape the facade of Bullshitism, there are those who sometimes, are a pain in the ass to the kool-aid drinkers. These are the 0.1% Filipinos who has plans on making the Philippines a more Nazi land secular place. This makes both The Church and the INC decide to kill them all in the future and make them suck their 2 inch balls.

So, currently, most Filipinos right now are in the influence of Kool Aid and Religious Opium. But do not fret. The Filipinos are enjoying fighting each others own version of their fucked up religions and wasting their lives in the name of their invisible sky daddy which makes them very very stupid "wise".

See Also

Countries and territories of Asia
Euroasia Armenia - Azerbaijan - Cyprus - Georgia - Japan-France - Russia - Turkey (the country, not the bird) - Lebanon
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Central Asia Kazakhstan - Kyrgyzstan - Tajikistan - Turkmenistan - Uzbekistan - other-stan
South Asia Bangladesh - Bhutan - India - Maldives - Nepal - Sri Lanka - Tibet
Southeast Asia Cambodia - East Timor - Indonesia - Laos - Burma - Malaysia - Philippines - Singapore - Thailand - West Timor - Vietnam

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