Religion in The Philippines
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Religion in The Philippines has always existed ever since homo-sapiens with a wicked sense of imagination walked down the land bridge from Taiwan Right now, The Great Theocratic Empire is ruled by some guys in a white robe with weird tall hats originally intended for rabbits, but it is also ruled by guys with turbans and giant roosters, as well as an alchemist's aviary/Pokedex worth of magic birds.
edit Humble Beginnings
It all started in 24,500 BCE, when the ice age glaciers was at it's peak. The Philippines was part of a land bridge back then in the Hyperborean period. Mr. Bathala Maykapál wandered the earth alone since as long as he could remember, having long ago repressed the memory of his Taiwanese tribe being crushed beneath the feet of a stampede of Stegodon. He arrived in Luzon where he ran into a dragon named Ulilang Kaluluwa waiting for him to stab to death with jade. UK was very lonely but even more proud and attacked Bathala for three days and three nights before Bathala finally cremated the creature.
A few years later the winged Galang Kaluluwa showed up at Bathala's house, and the two became friends. However GK got sick and asked to be buried where the dragon was slain, and from his grave rose the first coconuts. One day while fishing Mr. Bathala caught a mermaid named Aman Sinaya and together the two created the first people Tabon Man. But the bamboo tree hungered for human flesh and with the coconut tree's help smacked them repeatedly in the face with their branches; flinging coconuts at them. Mr. Bathala summoned a a giant bird, who proceeded to free them.
The Tagalog created villages and cities, conquered the cities of the enemy The Crab People and ruled the entire land bridge. But thanks to Mr. Global Warming (Mr. Freeze's eviler twin brother and Captain Planet's arch nemesis), the last ice age subsided and sank a large portion of the land bridge including some villages and made The Philippines into a archipelago we know and love today. This was known as The Great Flood, where the gods decided that the Earth was too cold and decided to warm it up a little bit.
edit Invasion of The Arabs
Than, Muslims to take the land of Mindanao. The Arabs decided to conquer the islands of Visayas using their superior boating and camel powered technology, but the Tagalog unleashed a secret weapon called Music. The Tagalog relied on women to give them +4 morale bonus on saving throws against charm and fear effects and a +4 morale bonus on attack and weapon damage rolls with their Kulintang playing to combat the invaders. Unfortunately the Muslims also had this bonus from their own bard class, the Whirling Dervishes and they seized the Visayas.
The Tagalog, Muslims and Crab People made a deal. The Muslims got Mindanao and Palawan while the Tagalog retained Luzon and Visayas, and the Crab People got what ever was underwater.
edit The Christian Invasion
On All Saints Day Nov 1 1520, Ferdinand Magellan began to haunt the pacific ocean on an exploratory expedition to circumnavigate the globe; when they arrived at Homonht on march 16th 1521, they were initially mistaken for Skeleton warriors, as they hadn't had food for three months. Magellan's Malay translator slave Enrique managed to lead the expedition to Cebu on April 9th. Luckily the king of Cebu Rajah Humabon willingly converted to Catholicism and formed a blood oath with Magellan to slay his enemy Lapu Lapu, chieftain of Mactan Island. Magellan wondered how hard it could be when he was the only one with guns, yet the landing party was thwarted by a coral reef that corralled them to their deaths. Magellan died and his crew barely managed to return to Spain in 1522.
In 1564 King Philip sent an invasion fleet of 500 men and established a permanent base in Cebu; slowly the Philippines fell, leaving only Mindanao with their original religion left in mint condition as everyone else's religious relics were smashed apart for sacrilege, or melted down for gold and shipped from Manilla to Acapulco aboard treasure galleons. Throughout 333 years of Spanish rule, these galleons provided the Philippines with a steady flow of Chinese, Portuguese English and Dutch ghost pirates.
edit Pre-Religion Ruled Period
In 1898 Spain lost the Spanish American war and decided to sell the U.S. the Philippines for 20 million. New beliefs like Protestantism and secular humanism started to become available to the Filipinos. One such group were the Freemasonry but they weren't nearly as powerful as INC (Iglesia ni cristo) who stole the masons compass for their protestant churches logo. Founder Felix Y. Manalo also stole the title last of the prophets from Muhammad and the oncoming apocalypse from Seventh-Day Adventism.
Over 200,000 Filipinos fought against Japanese occupation during world war 2, as citizens of the U.S. common wealth. For their bravery, the half that survived were stripped of their promised benefits in 1946. After world war 2, America decided that 50 states and a couple of territories was enough, and that they could probably use an ocean sized buffer between them, China and Russia to avoid giving the impression that they were slowly conquering all the other countries and that continental Asia was up next for grabs. Puerto Rico was so jealous.
The Philippines were finally free to be ruled by their own indigenous dictator, Ferdinand Marcos who in turn was mind controlled by his wife Empress Imelda, through her dazzling dress and proficiency in the dark arts. During the witch queen's reign, dissidents would have their brains carved out and implanted in cockroaches to be crushed beneath a shoe collection so expensive it could have fed the nations poor twice over.
So the Catholic Church decided to call their headquarters The Vatican in order to call Pope John Paul II for some divine intervention. So the former pope decided to take things directly and go to The Philippines himself to exorcise the puppet president Martial law was lifted but opposition leader Ninoy Aquino was assassinated invoking the EDSA volcano to erupt.
edit The Modern Times
In the 1970's the first wave of giant robot anime swept the country. The government panicked, fearing children would become devil worshiping, Japanese nationalist, terrorist robot pilots, and coordinate attacks on the presidential palace with Mazinger Z's colossal gravity defying mechanical knees. Finally the mecha cults were forced underground and the United States stationed G.I. Joe, the ThunderCats and the Transformers at Subic Bay Naval Base throughout the 80's to prevent a resurgence.
The political power of the INC and Catholic Church started to slip as new churches arose in the early 90s: the Associated Broadcast Corporation and the state sponsored International Broadcast Corporation. ABC church doctrine focused on the veneration of the holy mother Sailor Moon, and her divine intercessors the sailor saints; while IBC showcased her son Ghost Fighter Yusuke Urameshi, who died on the hood of a car for our sins, only to rise again and street fight demons for the souls of mankind. Newer generations would remember Japan less for the Bataan Death March and more for their awe inspiring animated religious art.
|Countries and territories of Asia|
|Euroasia||Armenia - Azerbaijan - Cyprus - Georgia - Japan-France - Russia - Turkey (the country, not the bird) - Lebanon|
|East Asia||People's Republic of China - Hong Kong - Japan - Kansai Republic - Korea (north) (south) (pick 'em) - Macau - Mongolia - Taiwan (Republic of Taiwan) - Tibet|
|Western Asia||Arabia - Bahrain - Iran - Iraq - Israel - Jordan - Kuwait - Oman - Palestine - Qatar - Saudi Arabia - Syria - United Arab Emirates - Wherethefuckistan - Yemen|
|Central Asia||Kazakhstan - Kyrgyzstan - Turkmenistan - Uzbekistan - other-stan|
|South Asia||Afghanistan - Bangladesh - Bhutan - India - Maldives - Nepal - Pakistan - Sri Lanka|
|Southeast Asia||Cambodia - East Timor - Indonesia - Laos - Burma - Malaysia - Philippines - Singapore - Thailand - West Timor - Vietnam|