From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Love is a battlefield.”
Relationships are best discussed supposing two people. We can call then Emma and Eli. When they want to be together, what is this called? A relationship! In the human process, it is the male who tries on the first move. If Emma accepts the grunting beast of which is Eli, she will take him. Which she better. If not, she will move onto another tribe and try her luck elsewhere. If no mate is found, Emma will have brought much shame and dishonour to her family, and will ultimately be burned at the stake.
edit What is a relationship?
I have had a few bad relationship experiences in the past, so have decided to impart my knowledge on the more fortunate, so they never have to go through what I have gone through. It was a living hell, and I recommend only doing it for sex...and comfort, but mainly sex. Again from a male perspective.
The rituals involved in courting are very complicated, so bear with me.
edit Male Courtship
There are three main forms of Male courtship rituals:
- The male will become friends with the female, a difficult concept to master which involves becoming friends with everyone she knows, talking to her a lot, spending time with her and doing a lot of stupid girly things without ever losing your masculinity (a difficult feat by anyone's standards). Then at the appropriate time the male will ask the female out on a date/night of sex, and she will either accept him, or laugh in his face and sever all friendship bonds with the male, this is a risky strategy with a lot to lose.
- The male will walk up to a woman and try to impress her, and following which, ask her out on a date/night of sex, in which she will 9 times out of 10 reject him, the benefit of this strategy is that it requires very little effort, and it allows one night stands to take place, for the shallower people.
- The male stalks the female until she gives in and agrees to go on a date with him, this almost never works and should only be attempted be the deranged and the truly desperate.
edit Female Courtship
There are three typical forms of female courtship as well, and they are as follows:
A: The Female will attempt to seduce the male, by looking as hot as possible whilst still making sure their intention is clear, and as long as the female is good at looking hot, and the male is not in some form of couple himself (sometimes even if he is) this will almost always work.
- Note: In Relationships, a total wimp/Nerd is not classified as male, but as Neutral, since he affects neither gender in any sexual way and is therefore measured as a 7 on The Gender scale.
B: The female will try to dominate the male, and show a really strong personality, this only works on weak minded men and men who like that, so is unlikely to produce any worthwhile males (i.e. males that they would want to go out with)
C: The female, gets the male interested using either of the two above techniques, and gets him totally smitten, then, when she has his full attention, she pretends not to be interested. No-one knows why they do this, because it causes an awful lot of confusion and sometimes decreases the male's level of interest. But they keep doing it none the less.
edit The first date
The first date is often a wonderful, magic experience, and is the only true delight of going out with someone up until the first kiss, where it all turns 'narsty'.
Many people say that kissing comes naturally, and that everyone knows how to do it, CODSWALLOP!!! No-one knows how to kiss first time, and this means trouble, and also a bit of learning about your partner. So listen up.
A: If your partner is a good kisser, that means that they have had practice, which means, you are not their first, so you will be constantly compared to someone else, and if you don’t beat that person, “bye bye loser.”
B: If your partner is a terrible kisser, you can guess the problem there; they are a terrible kisser, so you can’t win either way.
From then on you are guaranteed intermittent pockets of misery, i.e. whenever you are with them.
There are 11 main unspoken rules when it comes to dating, these rules are of cause different for men and women, and for a successful date with all your dignity intact at the end of it, you must follow all of them.
edit The Males Rules
- Never hurt your partner in ANY way or you are in for it.
- Always make sure your partners pockets are full of money, even if yours aren’t.
- Constant flattery done in a tasteful way.
- Listen to your partner !!!-I know, its awful isn’t it-!!! A good listener is one that is always thinking about something else.
- Don’t talk about sex, until she does (which is never, unless she is gagging for it, which if she is good enough to go out with is never).
- HAVE A CAR!
- When she says don't bother with the movie tickets, she is BULLSHITTING (its a common female trait, get use to it!)
- Never look at any other woman in “that way”
- Dress well at all occasions
- Never EVER EVER brag about what you have done!!!!!
- Don't tell her that you love her by the end of the first date! That's a bummer.
- Wear cologne, I know it sounds gay, but it works.
edit The Female Rules
- Be “untamed” with your partner, it doesn’t matter if he gets a bit hurt.
- Always try to use up all your partners money, otherwise he will think you are holding back, or worse, will bring less next time.
- Always pretend to enjoy his flattery, even if it is tasteless and badly delivered.
- Talk to your partner, and don’t get too offended about where his eyes keep going, (but make sure it is appetizing and revealed enough to make him do so
- Don’t talk about sex, until he does (which if he does, you should look offended and either dump him, or come close).
- DON’T HAVE A CAR!
- Accept all your partners cheep crummy gifts at face value, not what it is really worth (which is nothing).
- Look at other men in “that way” to keep your partner on his toes
- Dress well at all occasions (and use a lot of makeup unless directed otherwise, then use more).
- Always ALWAYS ALWAYS tell others what he does (i.e. bad habits, and the like)
- When he says "I love you" pretend not to notice how forced it is.
If you follow these simple easy to use rules, then your partner will not dump you (even if it is advisable that you two break up immediately).
edit The Responsibilities of partnership
These again are different between the sexes:
edit The Male responsibilities
- Listen to all her problems.
- Don't ignore her texts.
- Never let her hear any of yours.
- Never refuse her of anything.
- Continue these responsibilities even after you break up (unless you dump her, then you’re free).
edit The Female Responsibilities
- Don’t hold out on sex for too long.
- Never appear to hate your partner’s advances.
- Impart all your troubles on your partner
- Continue to enforce your partner’s responsibilities even after you break up.
- Make him feel needed.
edit The Break-Up
Once you have had about as much as you can take of your chosen (or in some cases forced) "partner" then it becomes time for one of you to harshly dump the other.
There are four main methods of breaking up; these are the same for male and female
- Harshly - Typical examples: "you’re dumped" or "no more nights of hot sex for YOU again."
- Gently - Typical examples: "I think we should see other people" or "I’ve met someone else" (when of course you haven't met someone else, you just got bored of having sex with one guy/girl.)
- Reverse-Psychology - Typical example: "It's not you, it's me."
- Telling the Truth - NOTE: only use as a last resort. Typical example: "My heart belongs to the sea."
- 5fake insanity. Not overly difficult for somepeople,but never fails to make the other back away. lines such as: I ate a weevil for lunch, or i think it's time i came out of the freezer, or weird sounds related to unearthly shrieks, deep maniacal giggles, or widgetthonkooblecgaroophmaoctopusicusflames.
edit Post Relationship Torture
The guy is never trusting of the girl again and is constantly irritated by them wanting to be friends or taking liberties as if you were still going out, although stop as soon as you ask for something in return and act offended at the idea. And as if it weren't bad enough, they constantly try to trick you back into a relationship, or simply believe any half-crazed accusation about you and spread it Also the guy becomes the subject of continuous humourless jokes be the girl and her friends, these jokes continuously get made and as far as I have had experience they never end.
So I hope I have helped you people out there to realize that long term relationships are a mistake in almost all cases, so short term relationships (also known as spontaneous sex, one night stands and free love) have fun people, and remember, GET LAID!