Reindeer

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Reindeer
This is a Reindeer
400px-Catfish 1
This is not a Reindeer (nor is it a cat)

Reindeer are creatures who live in swamps, feeding on helpless prey which is unwarily passing by. They will eat almost anything, but their favourite snacks are Ho-Hos. According to recent studies, reindeer make up the majority of Norway's population.

The first reindeer was created by Dr. Ludwig von Frankenstein in his own secret laboratory, using only spare parts. They seldom make good pets, but some dedicated botanists have been able to train them.

Reindeer have razor sharp retractable horns made of raw energy. During an encounter with Christopher Columbo, a reindeer actually decapitated the explorer. This reindeer was promptly shot and killed, using several AK-47's and the Holy Hand Grenade. It's head is on display at the Library of Congress for all to see.


edit Polar Reindeer

These are the freaky, English speaking anthropomorphic animals Santa uses as slaves to pull his sleigh for 24 hours non stop every year on the night of December 24. Due to this cruel treatment, these reindeer have become highly dangerous carnivores, as well as decent assassins. These blood-thirsty creatures should not be approached under any circumstances, for they have evolved heat vision on top of their flying ability. The diet of these reindeer includes:

  • Smaller reindeer
  • Children
  • Almost any type of small animal
  • Chocolate Bars
  • Fried Chicken
  • Paper Towels

Because of their special diet reindeer are one of the most tasty animals known to mankind. However the worlds scarcity of especially children, chocolate bars and small reindeer are putting a natural limit to the worlds maximum population of reindeer. Finnish, Swedish, Russian and Canadian governments is therefore doing anything in its power to keep the extraordinary flavor of reindeer meat a secret to the world (especially China).

In 1939 Soviet Russia invaded Finland in an attempt to take control of the precious market for reindeer meat. However Finland survived the attack using a the special Finnish version of the knife in the back strategy. The failed attempt to control the reindeer market lead glorious Russia to a almost 50 year long period of general grumpiness in international relations also known as The Cold War

Reindeer are venomous and attack other animals. However, they are not Jedi but they live in swamps! But they have been seen flying and using some kind of heat source or other known as "heat vision". This makes perfect sense its plain and simple Reindeers are arsonists!

edit Predator-Prey relationships

Rudolph-the-red-nosed-reindeer
Martian Reindeer firing their Heat - Ray.

Reindeer, as cute as they may seem on the Christmas specials, are the primary food source of many predators. Some of which include:

  • The Arctic Wolf: This ruthless animal is immune to the Polar reindeer's venom and hunts Reindeer year-round. They have also been known to blow down the three little pigs' house, eat Red Riding Hood, attack Russian children and be sympathised by animal rights activists.
  • The Arctic Hare: This animal, cute as it may look, will ravage any living thing that comes near it. A perfect example of this occurred in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. However, Polar reindeer frequently cook them with their heat vision and serve them with butter.
  • Fairies: Over the centuries, reindeer have gain a taste for pixies and spites as well as anything that looks like a woman with wings. Reindeer will hunt them and eat them after kitten huffing. It is believed by scientists that consumption of fairies's pixie dust and cocaine is what gives the reindeer the ability to fly.
  • The Average Finn: These primate-like animals are the top prey of the Polar Reindeer, which herd the humans up in tight groups, contain them in cages, and send them to human processing plants where they are made into the reindeer chow Santa feeds the reindeer. This chow also contains fish, rabbits, other Polar reindeer too slow to avoid being caught in the cages with the people, and feathers.

However, the common reindeer is commonly hunted by the Finns, who would love to shoot down Santa's sleigh. So obviously to solve this problem Santa carries around a shot gun.

  • The Friendly Postal Worker: These predators disguise as a friendly human delivering a package; however, their true form is unknown (see Chaos theory). They are known to ruthlessly murder common reindeer in their sleep and wear their skins as their disguise uniforms. Their remains are then used to create "letters" (an archaic form of communication before the internet and email were invented in 1 A.D.). Upon close inspection, one may see the remains of the slaughtered reindeer in the opening statement of each letter. (EX: Dear Joe...). For more information on these horrible beasts, see UPS. If one accidentally attacks a Polar reindeer, however, he is the prey.
  • Giraffes: Probably the reindeer's biggest predator. They herd them up and chase them over cliffs, then walk away to find more. Their on going feud can be dated back to the great war of the hoofed animals(year of war is unknown however). Giraffes feed on reindeer blood, and drink their meat, murdering them without mercy. Giraffes use their awesome ability of breathing lightning to fight against the reindeer's heat vision. As well as having needle sharp teeth that rip apart all space and matter, they also contain neuro toxins. Giraffes are known to play with reindeer's by whacking them into walls and tossing them up in the air, and torture them before eating them. Reindeer have no chance at all against these most evil species, you can almost feel sorry for the helpless reindeer.

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