Regent University

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Regent

Regent University's scenic campus, as viewed from the front gate.

Regent University is a private coeducational interdenominational Christian university located in Virginia Beach, Virginia, USA. The school was founded by the American televangelist Pat Robertson in 1978 as the first Conservative Arts School in the nation. Regent has a satellite located in St. Pearlsburg, Kingdom of Heaven, run by provincial headmaster Godfrey Jones, and offers other extensive distance afterlife programs for dropouts, Jews, and students on the wait list.

History

Social Attitudes Fire Summit Regent University 8X10

The diverse faculty of Regent standing before Robertson Hall on Prejudice Plaza, recently renamed Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard.

In the beginning, there was God. God took a look around his apartment and thought it was a little dingy, so he installed some new lights and hired an illegal Dominican maid. Some time passed; unimportant things happened.

Then God begat Pat Robertson. Pat Robertson, still slimy with God's fluids and quickly drying placenta, looked up to his Creator and asked: "What is this horrendous, misshapen world where fifteen year olds can be impregnated by accident, only to depregnate themselves with wire hangers and other implements of destruction?"

God let out a long, healthy guffaw and smiled at his Son. "Why, dear Patty, so you can clean it up!" Pat considered this for a while and looked back up at the large, bearded white man. "So you want me to impregnate the fifteen year olds again?"

God sighed. This was not going very well. "No, just go down there and spread my word, okay? Remember the 3 S's: Spirituality, Spunk, and Straightness. Got it?"

Pat gave a firm salute and descended to Earth to spread God's word. He did this fairly well on basic cable funding and a little help from viewers like you. Pat Robertson begat Regent University, and some guy named Olin begat five million dollars to construct a library. Robertson was pleased and went back to preaching God's word, leaving the University to progress on its own as a self-sustaining organism.

Academics

Through its five academic colleges, Regent offers bachelor's, master's, disciple's, and apostle's degrees in over 30 courses of study. As a conservative arts school, most of these courses follow a similar line of thought, though core curriculum such as English and business are also, naturally, present.

School of Divinity

Winkler2

Francis Winkler: Least successful hostage negotiator of all time.

Description: This school, the largest and most attractive of all of Regent University's colleges, has a student body of five hundred undergraduates, seventy graduates, and two billion eternal souls. Unusually, the school of divinity has, by far, the largest suicide rate of all the schools, with at least thirty kids killing themselves per year. The teachers at the school are outraged at this statistic, for they teach the students to exercise patience and at least wait until their studies are over before they go to Jesus.

One teacher, however, is of dissenting opinion. "When one of my students kills him or herself, I know I've done my job right," says professor Francis Winkler, "Impatience to meet Christ is a good thing for children to learn, and I'm practically killing myself by keeping myself alive just to spread that word." Christ has yet to comment on the logic of Mr. Winkler's statements.

Courses

  • Studies of Excerpts From the Book of Proverbs (1:01)
  • Excerpts of Studies of Excerpts From the Book of Proverbs (2:01)
  • The Book of Romans: Is it Really Necessary? (4:17)
  • How to Pronounce "Thessalonians" Without Sounding Like a Complete Fool (7:12)
  • The Old Testament: Is it Really Necessary? (16:02}
  • John Can Totally Kick Paul's Ass (3:16)
  • Studies in Survival Techniques for Revelations (6:66)
  • Muslims: Are They Really Necessary? (5:13)

Amen.

School of Foreign Affairs

Michael bolton 002

Michael Bolton: former ambassador to the United Nations, crooner of the dreamiest order.

Description: Founded in 1986 thanks to generous donations from diplomat extraordinaires and brothers John and Michael Bolton, the School of Foreign Affairs is one of the most prestigious international relations colleges in all of Tier 4. The courses are notoriously difficult, according to the students and alumni.

"I'm not saying the curriculum was torture," remarks alumni John Milton, "but it was something damn close to it." President James Needermeyer insists that what the professors teach is not torture, but did not comment on the disciplines professors exact on students who hand in papers late. In a completely unrelated case, Diplomacy professor Dr. Howard Vedderman suddenly resigned in the middle of the spring 2006 semester; in an even more unrelated circumstance, all of the wishing wells on campus were drained and filled with cement on the very same day.

Study Abroad Programs

School of Law

Franzjoseph

Admiral —— Fredricks: His expertise in jurisprudence is rivaled only by his muttonchops.

Description: By far the most stuffy school in Regent, the Falwell School of Law is run by the enigmatic former Navy commander Admiral —— Fredricks. The awe-inspiring Admiral, whose name is unknown to everyone but Robertson, rules the school with an iron horseshoe, shirking all of his responsibilities to indulge in recreational activities. No one knows why, but no one has enough balls to argue with it.

Most of the students obtain their education through real world scenarios of lawyering. For example, the final project for Bill of Rights Studies requires the students to identify examples of free speech on campus and repress them as firmly as possible. Alumni include Troy A. Titus, noted elderly defrauder, and J. Edgar Hoover.

Courses:

School of Education

Teenagerr

Nathaniel Crickwood: No-good, dirty, amoral atheist. Probably has sex with pigs, too.

Description: The Hunter S. Thompson School of Education is infamous around Regent's campus as the black sheep liberal bastion on the predominantly conservative campus. This is all thanks to one nasty student named Nathaniel Crickwood, a poetry major who makes up Regent's entire Democratic party. Ironically, he's probably the most violently conservative person on campus, but landed in the Democratic Party entirely against his will. His parents, big bananas in the Virginia Green Party, were planning on turning Nathanial into an abortion until the pure strength of Fetus Nathan's morals turned all of the wire hangers in his house into crucifixes. His bleeding heart parents were not willing to let him become Republican, but were willing to meet him halfway and let him become Democrat.

Nathanial has spearheaded most of the school's extracurriculars, but has been shunned universally by his peers and professors for his political ties. The faculty had exercised many harebrained schemes to try to get Nathanial kicked out, but his transcendent understanding of the Conservative arts and methods resulted in him outwitting them every time. This has resulted in a multitude of steamy ears, stepped-on-hats, and comically twirling mustaches.

Extracurricular Activities:

  • Kontamination Kleaning Krew - A Regent-based organization dedicated to picking up litter and making people feel good about themselves for doing so. The catch? Members beat up and/or rape a black person every Sunday.
  • Regent University Junior Revolutionaries - A Regent-based organization dedicated to challenging unpopular decisions made by the faculty and advancing the rights of the students. The catch? Members beat up and/or rape a Latino every Saturday.
  • Gay Bashers, Unite! - A Regent-based organization that beats up and/or rapes a gay man every Friday. The catch? Nathaniel orders in free pizza for everyone.

Intrascholastic School of English

Jack of all trades

Professor Washington Irving: Jack of all trades, master of fun.

Description: Regent's school of english is the university's token interscholastic college. In this school, fickle students can take ten courses in twenty different subjects, graduate with with a diploma in some obscure, useless major, and feel very pretentious about themselves because they got an "eclectic education." Believe it or not, but the popularity of these pointless schools/programs can be traced all the way back to Regent University itself, specifically one man named Washington Irving.

"It's alright if you just want to major in economics or theology, but wouldn't it be cool if you can do both at the same time while simultaneously reading books by Shakespeare and B.F. Skinner?" says Irving, "of course, it would give you no skills or mastery for the real world, but wouldn't it be cool?" Irving himself has the rare title of being his own headmaster; he has not yet completed his dodecuple major at Regent yet, and has been working on it for over fifteen years.

Possible majors (must choose a minimum of five to graduate):

  • Socioeconomic studies of the effect of evolution on the Feminist movement in Bangladesh
  • Racism and Glacial Tracking in the North Pole
  • Men's rights, and how they've been advanced by the stock market crash of 1929
  • Pontius Pilot's lasting legacy, and its effect on the Spanish Inquisition
  • Self-toasting bread, why God made it, and analysis of Shakespeare's sonnets in reference to it
  • Innovations in Comedy and how they felled the Roman Empire
  • Quadrangles in the fourth dimension and their effect on hedge fund speculations

University Reputation

Regent University has been ranked by US News and World Report as the most conservative school in the nation. This is certainly an ambiguous compliment, but Regent has taken this achievement very well. October 31st has been deemed "God Loves Regent" day on the campus, and is celebrated by each student going around from dorm to dorm collecting chocolate crucifixes from Resident Assistants and Professors.

In their spare time, most students forsake parties and large social activities for private prayer and conversations with Regent's "most esteemed alumnus," Jesus Christ. Frequently held "mixers" at the local chapel allow protestants of all different sects and denominations to mix and mingle with each other in a shared love for the Lord, making the Regent students very sociable and familiar with each other.

Regent life isn't exclusively for WASPs, though. David Wolfenstein and Nelson Mugambo run the school's Hillel and NAACP chapters, respectively. These campus entrepreneurs have had the esteemed honor of being the sole members in their organizations up until 2006, when an irate Kwame Zimmerman was rejected from every other college of his choice.

See Also

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