Rednecks

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A redneck is someone whose mother is their girlfriend is their aunt is their grandma and is their step-dad. Other requirements are: you must chew, incest is best, gay is not the way, your mom is hot, you can trace your lineage to various subhuman species from Etowah County, Alabama, and you have never heard of condoms or actually peeing in the toilet.



Contents

[edit] The Open Invite - Directions to the Real Southland Folk's:

"Uh commun miscunsepchun be th' idea dat rednecks only live'un da south. But ifin's ya was careful ya could jus as easlie find yo'self sha'rin a Pig Pickin' in Bakersfield, CA or eny utha rural town in eny utha state fa that mattu. Jus visit any tral'r pawk or down by 'da rivva and somebody nice'll show ya' the way. 'Specially if'n you arr'ive with a grum'blin gut and no coin and y'all see fer yerself. En Kan'na'da sum folks call 'dem bluenecks, er po' white trash but thems are Willie Nelzon luv'in North Amer'cans tu"

Daily Routine and Dining Rituals:

When a redneck wakes in the morning it commonly brushes it's teeth with a fork coverd in baby oil to clean there mouths as their mouth probably already smells like somone took a deuce in it. Rednecks typically feed on roadkill, grits, McDonald's, Hardees, pawk rinds, macaroni salad, gizzards, mountain dew, country buffets an' KFC. Although a Redneck kin survive fo' its intire trailer-boun' exissence on these staples, they tend t'git bo'ed wif this hyar limited fare an' like t'divahsify their diet. Alternatives include Taco Bell, Burger Kin', Kittens, Beer (th' 6th Redneck grubgroup), an' thin's they killed wif their 12-guages. These thin's include but is not limited t'Postum, Raccoon, an' Hamster.

Neighborhood Class Distinctions and Subdivisions:

  • Upper Middle - one o' them double wides enna widda dish up yonder (it has a satellite dish to watch home shopping, oprah and TBN!)
  • Lower Middle - plain old sin'le trailer wit dat rattlin' screen door nobody wants to rem'ady (it's attached to the ground and can withstand tornadoes).
  • Low Class - a Trouse (a trailer thet has been added unto {trailer-house} and moves around in many mobile home parks).
  • Below White Trash - Natakua, aka Spirit Water, cock plucker (and his RV goes across the good ol' USA).

Unlike them other car'et baggin' McMansons hoomins who fight on over social status, rednecks knows whar they stan' based on their residence.

[edit] Safe handling

I have just been informed of a little known fact. Due to the shortcomings of hundreds of years of indirect confrontation, an Instant Karma likeability deficiency can be demonstrated between approximately 68.3% of all Americans in the Deep South and their counterparts in the North, East and Western areas of the Good 'Ole USA. As such, what may in civilized parts of the universe may be actually considered odd or funny; would in redneck territory risk incurring enduring friendships between Americans hailing from differing regions. For those interested in how some accomplish this, take a few minutes to see here: [1] As well as here: [2] and [3]

[edit] A Scientific Side Note

Amoung all the humbug flying around our airwaves, recently another interesting fact about rednecks has been discovered. After NASA detected an unidentified object in the upper atmosphere in orbit of earth, it was shortly determined that the object, a make-shift communications satellite (Constructed out of sheet metal, plywood and duct tape) had been put into orbit by a group of Texan and coastal Floridities rednecks. These rednecks claim to have no memory of how the object was put into space, or how it is broadcasting them free HBO.[4]

After many months of close observation and studies, scientists determined that rednecks actually have amazing untapped mental and engineering abilities. This section of the brain (stored in the lower right Mullet) is activated upon consumption on large amounts of country music videos! See Here: [5]

Incidentally, all kidding aside; the communications satellites we all enjoy these days did not come (to us who benefit from them) without a loss, cost and/or sacrifice: [6][7] and here as well:[8]

And Don't forget this trio: [9] [10] [11]

[edit] Religion

See Kid Rock[ 8714328_125x125.jpg] [12] and dont 'fergit Dolly Parton[13]

[edit] Famous, Yeah...But They Shudda Been Born Down South

Famous freaks include

  • "Joe the Genetically Spasmodic Cocker" [14]
  • "His Illegitimate twin freak impersonator Blues Brother Elliot[15]
  • "Robin Williams (who incidentally killed off Elliot cause he was impersonating Joe) [16]


  • "Uh Oh, Home Land Security on the Cable the Larry Guy - Hot Line Here! Them thar' near my KFC Bucket a Road Kill over 'yonder - Wayzat? President Obama, you can smell my Road Kill Pickens over the phone - Ok I'm back... the rednecks has gottem in thar’ sights Lemme Larry and Curly Bay! Oh good, his passport was flagged! Fire up Jean Claude Van Dam and the Time Cops!"


  • "Muhammad Something or Other who's been running all over Mecca claiming Allah made him convert to the freggin' Islamic Hoodlums over in Oil Rich Mecca just because he was making the camels confused because the Moon Shadow, Moon Shadow kept following him around and the Camel Jockies kept gittin’ lost." See "yer passport CAT, if that's 'yer REEL name or we'll sake you shine the moons shadda from Guantannamoe. There now, back to 2004 you go round yer buddy the Moon Sahdder Moon!"[17]


  • "OMG OMG I sent Bubbah Clinton to the year 2050 AD or was it DC - oh well, Hillary will hardly miss, he been over flirtin' and jawin' with that oversexed intern agin? Him a hel'll looks like it's ACDC time LEMME consult the Bible - OMG it's CAT STEVENS again! What's that Cat Bill picked up an intern on the Time Machine... Please Say No More... What's that you say, he was flirting."


  • "The city of well all be packing are bags and headin over to the "I can't believe it's not BISHOR BUTTA BEN DOVER's, butter no wonder thay call that call that room where the alter boys gotta hang them red knickers up - the RECTORY, sounds like a gastrological munissions dump to me. OMG OMG BILL GATES IS Forming! - Look awaty Bill Clinton at the Historic Signing of the Eternal HealthCare For All Americans Bill whatever you do - DO NOT tough that computer mouse number HERE: (Dateline 2050 AD):[18]"


  • "Madonna - We All Hadder (then the dang dog alarm went off[19])"

[edit] Redneck Socializing Terms - Th' Langage a Gitin 'long Proper

Hick-Speak, th' official langage of rednecks is a compleks language thet only the dawgoned-est intellyjunt bein's is able t'comprehend, cuss it all t' tarnation.


  • "Squirt th' dirt" - phrase indicatin' one is a-gonna uriniate +
  • "Makin' Mud" - phrase indicatin' one has diarearee
  • "Hepyamaw" - a phrase used t'info'm a yo'nd chile thet their Mammy requires assistance.
  • "Y'all come back now, Y'har?"- a term used t'info'm varmints of th' next box social, which usually hosts a large number of S&M sesshuns.
  • "Jeet yet?"- loosely translated as "have yo' ett up recently?"
  • "Comeeraminit" - Th' redneck is requestin' yer assistance. Waste no time in he'pin' them, fo' fear they will call yo' a fag, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells!
  • "Thims fightin' werds!"- th' soun' made t'initiate a jool. Th' loser perfo'ms hari-kiri, follered by a fine ol' fashion pokin'-of-the-co'pse-wif-a-stick. Shet mah mouth!
  • "Aw shit we gon miss th' Dukes"- Usually meant as a way t'info'm varmints thet their favo'ite show is about t'come on, although their is debate whether rednecks love th' Dukes Of Hazzard o' th' Masterpiece Theater mo'e outfittz.
  • Fry mah hide!! Fry mah hide!" Transformer Alert! Faggots can bi-whatevers kin con'versn alle want and by all meanz we wont mind if ya' don't like to say graze prior to cleanin' out the KFC bucket, butcha' gotta wacher' toung wagon at that finger lickin' goood eatind and especially mind yer' talkin 'bout'cher intimate inti'mate inkcounters of the third kine near the dang down homefobes!
  • '"Munny pikin hbrew" - jewish person
  • '"Dirty varment thief" - black person
  • '"Fagy grrl" - homosexual
  • "Lazy beans

[edit] Tube and Boombox Entertainment Options - Good Ole Boys

[edit] Folks that Hail from the Southlands That Done Good

  • "Al Gore & Tipper Gore"[22]
  • "Tennessee Voices for Children* [23]
  • *Tipper & Laura* [24]

[edit] See also

[edit] Rednecks in Popular Culture

[edit] External links

The American Red States AKA Megatexas
Alabama - Alaska - Arizona - Arkansas - Colorado - Georgia - Idaho - Illinois - Indiana - Iowa - Kansas - Kentuckistan - Louisiana - Mississippi - Missouri - Montana - Nebraska - Nevada - New Hampshire - North Carolina - North Dakota - Ohio - Oklahoma - South Carolina - South Dakota - Tennessee - Texas - Utah - Virginia - West Virginia - Wyoming - Washington


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