Reddish

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Winner of Miss Suburb 1812, 1813 and 1815, [1] Reddish is a beautiful town situated in the county of Notquitemanchestershire. The population is 314,000 and increasing due to the recent baby boom and teenage pregnancy epidemic. Historically, the town was part of Mankashire but was liberated by the dictator William Houldsworth during the Industrial Revolution in 1842. It is surrounded by affluent areas such as Gorton, Levenshulme and Longsight. The local National Park, Reddish Vale, preserves the areas past volcanic activity whilst providing recreation for local residents.

edit History

edit Toponymy

The town got its name in 1774. A passing ]]pikies|gypsy]] came to the town and slept with the Mayor. A few days later, after the gypsy had moved on, the Mayor began to constantly scratch at his groin. His groin became inflamed due to his scratching. He approached a local lady who took a gander at his nether regions and described what she saw as "reddish". The town was named after this extremely important event in its history.

edit Volcanic History

The National Park, Reddish Vale, has had an unstable history of past volcanic activity, however the thick layer of asbestos surrounding many of the poor quality houses has protected such monoliths with only major damage to many ecosystems noted. This former volcanic activity can still be seen at the volcanoes, Mt St Elizabeths-School and Mt Saint Margaret-Mountford. Tectonic activity was thought to have been extinct since local resident, Dildo Bagwash, threw the Ring of Power into Mt St Elizabeths School in 1917. However on 20th June 2008 the volcanoes began to erupt again with lava reaching as far as Gorton Road. The eruption killed one man and his dog, apparently on his way to mow a meadow, and the pyroclastic flow made visibility on the M60 appalling for a week. The science teachers from Reddish Vale Technology College have now deemed the volcanoes extinct and no further erruptions have occured.

edit Civil War

Reddish was originally a unified town until the usurpation of the local council by High Commander Molly Sugden. Her coup d'etat and 'Years Of Terror' saw her implement an increase in council tax, a food shortage and the destruction of the radish crops through chemical weapons testing in the 1820s. Civil war ensued. North and South Reddish were divided with a trench separating the two sides across the area that is now Morrisons car park. Fighting was particularly violent on the Heaton Chapel borderline with Heaton Chapel defecting to support North Reddish, after South Reddish annexed Heaton Norris. After South Reddish's failed attempt to conquer Barclays Bank via George's Chippy, North Reddish and it's new ally Denton overan the trench and successfully pillaged South Reddish of its three french hens and two turtle doves. Shortly after, Molly Sugden fled leaving an ongoing hatred between the two sides.

edit The Rise of Houldsworth

William "Nancy" Houldsworth OBE, a foreigner from the land of Ardwick, came to Reddish in 1842 as part of a travelling circus. Seeing how weak and vulnerable Reddish was he and his clown posse took advantage of the situation and conquered Reddish, unifying it once and for all. At first he inspired hope with his messages of peace and prosperity however after his wife, Roberta D'La Dumpling, cheated on him with Colonel Mustard, leader of neighbouring Heaton Chapel, Houldsworth became a tyrant. With slave labour he constructed a huge fortress called Houldsworth Mill which still stands on the border of Heaton Chapel today.

Isolated in his fortress and filled with hate, Houldworth's made plans to construct a giant machine spun material to block the sun and send Reddish into eternal darkness. Houldsworth also declared war on Heaton Chapel not resting until Mustard was killed (with the dagger in the testicles) and Heaton Chapel surrendered to Houldsworth's rule, becoming a principality of Reddish. Despite the war being over, violence had gone to Houldsworth's head. He began to rule Reddish with an iron fist, he began to build random "mills" everywhere to implement his plan and forced the people of Reddish to produce Cotton. Famous Cottons they produced include Dot Cotton and Fearne Cotton. Houldsworth ruled as dictator of Reddish for many years, eventually creating the Ring of Power, which allowed him to rule his minions who were mesmerised by the shiny and unknown substance 'gold'. However, a passing gypsy Dildo Bagwash broke in Houldsworth Mill and stole the Ring of Power whilst Houldsworth slept. Bagwash fled to Reddish Vale National Park, soon Houldsworth gave chase resulting in an epic battle at the top of Mt. St. Elizabeths School. Bagwash was never good at sports and was always the last to be picked along with the fat kids, so when Houldsworth chased him he stumbled on a passing picnicer and dropped the Ring of Power into the volcano.

As the magma destroyed the ring, Houldsworth, who had become one with the ring through his tyranny, began to melt. All that was left of Houldsworth was a dressing gown and a pair of slippers, which Bagwash exchanged for a bag of magic beans at Gorton Market. Houldsworth and his rule were gone, allowing Reddish a time of prosperity to grow into the valuable place it is today. The Reddish Olympic Games Committee even came third in the bid for the 2012 Games, however the judges were alarmed at how close a proximity the library was to the huge and fully functional swimming complex. In 1983 the people of Reddish erected the Houldsworth Clock in memory of the dead dictator Houldsworth, with every 12th Tuesday in the year celebrated as Dictator Day. Both North and South Reddish folk take to the streets and celebrate in style by beating the shit out of each other.

edit Landmarks

edit Houldsworth Clock

Houldsworth Clock was for a long time believed to be just a clock (functional on only one face after the other three fell out with one another). However, recent sightings have confirmed that the clock actually houses Thunderbird 1, after the destruction of Tracy Island during the Thunderbird-Team America War of 1924. Several other famous clocks including Big Ben now hide the remaining Thunderbird vehicles as the team continue their fight against crime.

edit Reddish Train Station

Originally a backstreet brothel in the late 1890s, Reddish Train Station is now a wonderful piece of gothic architecture. The train station has attracted many famous figures throughout the years. The Train Station welcomed Stephen Hawking in 1991, however Hawking was unable to depart from his train due to the lack of wheelchair access.

Thomas the Tank Engine paid a visit in 1998 when he got lost on his way back to the Isle of Sodor. Thomas was a curteous guest, however was silenced when Gordon passed with the 14:00 express. It is local belief to this day that Thomas lost his virginity to the 04:20 train to Sheffield whislt at Reddish Train Station.

edit Morrisons

After the end of the civil war the trench that had separated North and South Reddish was filled using faecal matter carefully extracted from local pigeons. A factory was built on this site though its purpose is still unknown to the people of Reddish. Local conspiracists claim that the factory was a chocolate factory belonging to Willy Wonka.

However, recent evidence suggests that the factory was used to manufacture the bird flu virus and what was initially believed to be Oompa Loompas was in fact illegal immigrants that the virus was being tested on. In 2001, with the collapse of fear of bird flu and the rise of swine flu, the factory closed down. The site is now home to a Morrisons supermarket.

This supermarket is the centre of Reddish's economy after the Morrisons staff drove out local shop owners with pitchforks and burning torches. Offers usually found in Morrisons include, four apple turnovers for 89p and 4 jumbo sausage rolls for £1.19. Recently this Morrisons store went to war with Tesco Gorton, the outcome of this is still undetermined.

edit Bandit

A local housing estate on the Levenshulme border, orginially named the Poets Estate, began to isolate itself from the rest of Reddish as local people decided to start acting and speaking as though they were from Levenshulme. The area was recently voted as the shit stain on the knickers of Stockport receiving the maximum 5 ASBO rating. Gun crime, knife crime, prostitution, drive bys and drugs are all valuable assets of this estate and it's economy. The people of Reddish have distanced themselves from such an area as they wanted the popular Channel 4 entertainment programme 'Come Dine With Me' to film in the area.

edit Local economy

Reddish's economy revolves around the principal of "Lend uz a fiva till weekend". This principal has served Reddish well throughout history, though local youths have begun to build a new economy based around the principal of "U got 20p mate?" In 2009, local residents protested for about twenty minutes (as they all couldnt be arsed) for a Greggs store to be built in Reddish to help develop the local economy. Greggs have refused to comment on the future of Greggs in Reddish, despite the people of Reddish naming a street, Gregg Street, after the company.

edit Notable appearances

Reddish has appeared many times in various forms of media. Reddish famously appeared in Wish You Were Here in 1984; however, host Judith Chalmers said after the episode was broadcast that she wouldn't even give the town a one star rating, though some believe this was due to her losing her leg in a hit and run accident on Longford Road.

In 1999 a memerable episode of Wife Swap was filmed in the area, when a scally mother of fifteen from Bandit swapped homes with a business woman from London.

In 2001, a team from Reddish appeared on the hit Challenge TV show, Fort Boyard. However, after Mr Le Bull released the tigers the greedy bastards were locked in and devoured by said tigers. Though the episode did win a BAFTA that year. Reddish also appeared in hit TV show Location, Location, Location, though after the featured house was destroyed in an arson attack Kirsty and Phil said "For this episode we should have renamed the show Asphyxiation, Asphyxiation, Asphyxiation."

edit Famous residents

  • Mr Chips, lovable character from hit TV show Catchphrase was also born in Reddish in 1924. He still lives in the area with his wife Mrs Dorothy Chips.
  • The Pokemon Ho-Oh can be seen on a clear day perched upon on roof of 24 Broadstone Road. It is believed that the Pokemon Lugia lives in the basement of the same property.
  • Some architect guy who submitted the inital plans for the Death Star to Stockport council. The plans mysteriously disappeared along with Stockport Mayor, Palpatine.

edit Footnotes

  1. Although this years title was removed after it was proved that the "liason" between Reddish and the judging panel went a lot further than it originally appeared.
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