Red link

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The red link is a common type of link.

While often described as "broken", "dead", or "communist", these links are really just the result of lazy authors who didn't feel like looking up every fucking word in the sentence of their article to see which bracketed phrases go somewhere and which ones lead to the big bad scary Edit box.

Red links are often mistaken as "dead", but "dead" refers to a link that no longer works. The more appropriate word, along a metaphor of the same nature, is "unborn" links.

What those outside the box know is that if you don't bracket at least one word in your contribution, you will be visited by the hounds of the IP banishment master and left to sweat and dehydrate outside the gates of Uncyclopedia for a minimum of 20 days, sometimes much longer. The red appears to have originated in 1492 and referred to the war paint which indicated to colonists and explorers that key native links such as Beothuk had gone dead.

The lost tribe of hypersexuals who require an atmosphere of 99.999% red links to live are suspected of having taken refuge on the Red Page.

Causes of red links

Red Linkism

"We really don't understand what they don't like about us." says a Red Linkist (all identities shall be kept anonymous). "I mean, nobody protests green links. Why should red be any different? They call red links 'broken' just because they link to edit pages. But what they don't understand is that red links are vital to the growth of Uncyclopedia."

"I'm tired of being persecuted because of the colour of my links!" says another. "We're all Uncyclopedians here. We all follow Sophia. For them to have their links and tell us we can't have ours is just the pot calling the kettle black! You can't have your cake and eat it, too."

"I don't see why we can't all just get along." says a less orthodox Red Linkist. "Perhaps something like this would help to keep everyone happy?"

Anti-Red Linkism

"Keep them off our front page!" shout angry protesters outside Uncyclopedia headquarters. "To the back of the data bus with you!" "We don't want you here! You understand?"

The leader of the "Better Dead than Red" campaign, Senator Joseph McCarthy proposed the mobilisation of the entire US military-industrial complex to launch evil robots from outer space and fight the red menace.

"Blue links are pure, man!" says one. "I'm not saying red links don't have their place - I'm just saying that their place is somewhere else! They should go back to Wikipedia, where they belong. When Sophia created links, she made them separate colours for a reason - she's telling us they're supposed to be separate!"

This is followed by a smattering of applause from the assembled crowd.

"Wait a second." interjects Oscar Wilde. "Wouldn't it make more sense if Red Linkists were the ones against red links? Fuck. I'm at the wrong protest."

The laws of robotics

In an attempt to save the planet Earth from impending doom (which would leave only a red link in its place), the Asimov Act legislated key requirements to slow the evil killer robots in their quest for world domination:

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to become a red link.

2. A robot must obey orders given it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.

3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law. Asimov then decided to create a 'Zeroth law', namely: A robot may not harm humanity, or, by inaction, cause humanity to become a red link


Don't See Also