Red Wings
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“No thanks, I'll just clamp my testicles in a bear trap.”
“They can't see me.”
“They can't see me, either.”
The Detroit Red Wings are a bunch of pussies. Enough said.
Contents |
[edit] The Early Years
The Red Wings were formed in 20 A.D. by the Original Jesus himself. Ever since then, the Red Wings have been known as the team of Hockeytown (Canadian Heaven). Originally, they were called the Jerusalem Apostles, but after the death of Jesus, they were quickly turned over to Judas Iscariot. Here they were left untouched and became one of the only teams in the world to allow slaves I mean black people to participate in any sport. This was not meant to last however, because in the year 70 A.D. the team went completely bankrupt and were unable to run Jesus Christ Rink. Some experts contribute this to the fact that no other people outside of the Red Wings organization even knew what hockey was. But, in 1926 Jesus feeling bad for watching former team come to a halt for over a 1800 years, asked his dad to bring them back to life. So, God possessed James Norris and made him suck some major cock. This action ejaculated the Red Wings right back into the league.
[edit] 1930s-1980s
At first the Red Wings sucked as much as its original owner did. But, then God possessed the trouble maker Gordie Howe in the year 1948. As Howe he was able to lead the team to several Stanley Cups. But, as Howe, he tragically died in his youth on June 6, 1980 in a gardening accident where he was watering his petunias and was hit by an airplane. To honor the deceased, the players decided to play as well as the dead for as many years possible. But, in a miraculous return, God came back in the form of a young lad (who was once ALLEGEDLY molested by Oscar Wilde) named Steve Yzerman. From this point forward, the Wings were able to play as outstandingly as they did with Gordie Howe. It should be noted that with Howe, the Red Wings won every Stanley Cup from 1948-1968 and 1970-1980 (the NHL awarded the Canadiens a trophy in 1969 for nearly competing with the Wings every year).
[edit] 1990s-Present
After winning every single Stanley Cup from 1993-2007, the Red Wings and their fans were shocked when world renown Israeli Sharpshooter Lee Harvey Oswald, murdered Steve Yzerman with his banjo. Once again the Red Wings playing suffered. This generated a large amount of anti-semetic feelings among the team and fans, which boiled to a point where the Red Wings changed there names to the Detroit We Think We Own The NHL Nazi Wings. In the first year with this name, they won their first Stanley Cup without divine intervention. However, the next year, well known homosexual and Jew Sidney Crosby made a pact with notorious NHL commissioner Gary Bettman after over 300 hours of oral sex (299.5 of them were for fun), convinced him to let the Pittsburgh Waddling Antarctic Mammals win the Cup.
[edit] Mascot
Now, since they decided to go with the Red Wings and not the Nomadic Russian Bisexuals (which would have been easy to find a mascot for) they had to think about what their mascot would be. One might think they would go with a cardinal, it having red wings and such. Instead, they went with a squid, for obvious reasons (?). Unknown to most, the squid was named their mascot in honor of Pavel Datsyuk's six penises(Or should I say penii?[very Manly]), resembling a squids tentacles. Don Cherry and Thomas Edison are also both mascots, and it is said that Elvis didn't die, instead he plays the in stadium music, and he sleeps in the squid during intermissions.
[edit] Goaltending
Chris Osgood is currently one of the wings goaltenders and decides when he wants to be good. His playing style varies from night to night, from "HOLY SHIT, NICE SAVE!!", to "I'll just let in a few goals to make this weak game interesting". HOWEVER, when the playoffs roll around, he turns into his alter ego, Chris "Out of the Net" Osmediocre. Before the 2009 post season, however, he was known as Chris "Super Saiyan level 9001" Osawesome, however he has instead shrunk his arms so that it can wrap evenly around Sidney Crosby's incredibly small penis and suck it while letting in a weak goal.
Currently, up and coming goaltender Jimmy Howard has been playing along with Osgood. Unfortunately, he suffers from a curse bestowed upon him by Tony Romo which allows him to turn into a brick wall. However, it also causes the rest of the Red Wings to turn into brick walls and they are unable to score.
[edit] Play Style
Detroit has a tendency to play so well that the opposing team joins them in scoring on their own goaltender. This is very common, especially when Bryan McCabe comes to town.
[edit] War with Colorado I
General Claude Lemieux of the Colorado Avalanche decided to push Kris Draper of the Red Wings calvary down the stairs. This resulted in Lt McCarty of the 4th line Regiment to declare war with Colarado. McCarty got far and beat up the old General and humiliated him in the war by making Lemieux kiss his feet. Patrick Roy was also involved somehow, but I dont really give a flying cow/
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[edit] Hockey Town v.s. Hockey State v.s. Hockey Bay
Recently their have been debates on whether Detroit or Pittsburgh is the true Hockey Town or if Minnesota is the one and only hockey state. And then of course there is Hockey Bay located in Tampa Bay Florida which is also home to the Tampa Bay Lightning who no one cares about. Anyway it seems we have an identity crisis here. Honestly there is only one true Hockey Nation and that is Canada, which is ironic given the quality of their professional teams.
[edit] Detroit Red Wings Trivia
- The Guinness Book of World Records lists the fact that the best thing about Detroit is six white guys as the most ironic thing ever.
- Nobody living inside the City of Detroit actually gives a flying fuck about the Red Wings or hockey.
- The current Red Wings head coach is Mike Babcock.
[edit] See Also
- The Honorable Mayor Kwame being greeted at Red Wings Victory Celebration.
- Hockey
- NHL
- National Hockey League
- That sucky team from Canadia
| National Hockey League | |||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Leastern Conference | Worstern Conference | ||||
| Atlantic | Northeast | Southeast | Central | Northwest | Pacific |
| New Jersey Devils | Boston Bruins | Atlanta Thrashers | Chicago Blackhawks | Calgary Flames | Anaheim Ducks |
| New York Islanders | Buffalo Sabres | Carolina Hurricanes | Columbus Blue Jackets | Colorado Avalanche | Dallas Stars |
| New York Rangers | Montreal Canadiens | Florida Panthers | Detroit Red Wings | Edmonton Oilers | Los Angeles Kings |
| Philadelphia Flyers | Ottawa Senators | Tampa Bay Lightning | Nashville Predators | Minnesota Wild | Phoenix Coyotes |
| Pittsburgh Penguins | Toronto Maple Leafs | Washington Capitals | St. Louis Blues | Vancouver Canucks | San Jose Sharks |
| Seasons (structure) · Stanley Cup (Playoffs–Finals–Champions) · Presidents' Trophy · All-Star Game · Draft · Players (Association) · All-Star Teams · Awards | |||||
| History · Timeline · Defunct teams · NHA · Original Six · 1967 Expansion · WHA · Streaks · Droughts · Hall of Fame (members) · Rivalries · Arenas · Rules · Violence | |||||
| Category | |||||
