Red Shirts

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 09:19, June 13, 2009 by 70.179.52.204 (talk)

Jump to: navigation, search
RedShirt

An expendable member of the crew in Star Trek wears a special uniform that creates reduced empathy. As a result, his death creates little discomfort, and he can be sacrificed for the good of the greater United Federation of Planets.

The red shirt effect is the popular name for induced apathia, a phenomenon that allows people to encounter death and suffering of others with little emotional energy.

Origin of the Popular Name

The Red Shirts are those red-shirted guys in Star Trek who have no name and always die, especially on away missions. They tend to get shot, be eaten alive, be eaten dead, have their blood drained, be stabbed mercilessly, have a giant spear shoved through the chest, fall down bottomless pits, get mauled by hideous animals, get vaporized by angry energy beings, or occasionally fail to rematerialize during teleportation. These red-shirted personnel have no families that matter nor do they have memorial services. None of the command crew remember the sacrifices that the red-shirted have made for the good of the United Federation of Planets.

History

The phenomenon of induced apathia was initially investigated in the late 1930s by German scientists serving under the Nazi regime. One of the immediate applications of induced apathia was the murder of millions of Jews, Gypsies, homosexuals, and political dissidents without remorse.

Gene Roddenberry, the creator of Star Trek, believed that induced apathia, used in the service of evil during World War II, could be put to use for good in the future Utopian society depicted in Star Trek. As explained in the original Star Trek, the red uniforms worn by personnel contained special fibers which created reduced empathy in others, particularly those in leadership positions. Thus, the red-shirted personnel could be expended for the good of the United Federation of Planets without consideration for their families, their suffering, or the cost of their funerals. Furthermore, the psychological effects on the command crew would be minimal. In this way, Captain Kirk, Bones, and Spock could have their amusing conversational exchanges amidst the many battles and widespread destruction. In Roddenberry’s universe, the ability to expend human life for the greater good contributes greatly to the functioning of an ideal Utopian society.

Redshirt

Whoops.

Redshirt2

Ouch.

Redshirt3

Anybody smell that?

Redshirt4

And nobody cares.

Science of the Red Shirt Effect

While clothing fibers that create induced apathia exist of course only in the realm of science fiction, the real science of the red shirt effect has been well understood since the 1960s. When large numbers of people are placed in a dangerous and hazardous situation, their nervous systems emit an electromagnetic wave that reduces the empathy in other people. The electromagnetic wave is unusual in that it grows stronger with distance; in other words, observers further away would experience increased induced apathia. The effect is synergistic with melanin pigments contained in the skin. Thus, people with dark skin colors tend to create more powerful induced apathia fields. On the other hand, wealth and power tend to mitigate the magnitude of the red shirt effect. Thus, being wealthy or politically connected reduces the apathy created by the red shirt effect.

People under the effect of an induced apathia field become inured to the suffering of others. Visual scenes of death and suffering become a blur. Any memory of death, suffering, or thought of affected family members fades into amnesia. In addition, the normal psychological trauma caused by death or suffering is minimal or non-existent.


Applications of the Red Shirt Effect

In order for society to function well, the politically powerful must be able to send expendable members (especially the poor and powerless) to their deaths without much remorse. Captains of industry must be able to create suffering among their workers without burdensome workplace rules and to call for random layoffs without having to endure negative psychological guilt. Thus, the red shirt effect has many applications in today’s society. Without the red shirt effect, people would actually care. This caring would cause wars, genocide, and poverty to become impossible and hence would result in the collapse of high civilization and the established order.

With increasing frequency, political and business leaders have been creating induced apathia fields to practical effect. During the nineteenth century, the United States government inadvertently applied the red shirt effect while ethnically cleansing the Native Americans from the North American continent; the subsequent business and real estate opportunities resulting from the genocide were hence enjoyed without much guilt or remorse. After World War II, the Soviet Union and China applied the red shirt effect to allow their Communist leaderships to spout inspiring socialistic propaganda while simultaneously allowing millions of inhabitants of both nations to die of starvation and hardship. Israel in the 1990s under Ariel Sharon used the red shirt effect in order to allow Israelis to enjoy a prosperous economy and way of life even as Palestinians were enduring suffering and death caused by the Israeli government’s policies.

Examples of the Red Shirt Effect in Use

The red shirt effect has most recently been used, with great political results, by the Bush administration in the United States. Some examples are given below.

THE RED SHIRT EFFECT IN USE
Problem Red Shirt Effect Solution
IraqCaskets IraqCasketsBlur
Dead bodies coming home from an unjustified war could be a political liability and reduce support for tax cuts to the wealthy. The dead—mostly black, Latino, poor, or blue collar—disappear into a fog of forgetfulness. Nobody cares.
CindySheehan CindySheehanBlur
Families of dead soldiers asking for accountability and and end to death are a distraction from the agenda of decimating Social Security. The families—mostly black, Latino, poor, or blue collar, and certainly powerless and not rich—vanish into a miasma of indifference. Those in power can let their beautiful minds remain unsullied by empathy and caring.
NewOrleansVictims NewOrleansVictimsBlur
A natural disaster which kills thousands and leaves hundreds of thousands homeless distracts from an agenda of cutting estate taxes for multimillionaires. The victims, mostly black and poor, evaporate into a puff of apathy. FEMA is allowed to be run by political hacks from the Department of Homeland Security.

See Also

190px-Featured.png

Potatohead aqua Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 10 December 2005
This article has been featured on the front page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
<includeonly>Template:FA/10 December 2005Template:FA/2005</includeonly>
Personal tools
projects