Red Ring of Death
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“WTF? MY XBOX JUST DIED!!! F%&@#ING HELL!!!...”
~ Xbox 360 Owner on Red Ring of Death
Red Ring Of Death is the condition all Xbox 360 gamers dread. It shows the Xbox has been infected by ghosts via a miscellaneous game update or random Microsoft Blue Screen of Death moment. The Blue Screen of Death was actually created by Playstation 3 fanboys so that they could have something to flame Xbox 360 users with in online forums. This however, was a moot point as everyone in the gaming community soon realised, as the 360 has so many weak points. Before the Red Ring of Death, Playstation users would point out "The PS3 has better graphics", or "PS3 network is free", citing the plentful evidence supporting those facts. Now, PS3 users prefer to point out -correctly - "The 360 has crap reliability" "RRoD is still at 30%+" or "The 360 doesn't even work". Therefore, it will refuse to play any game becuase the 360 will scratch the game disc. It is shown by 3 red lights where there should be green. In all communities, the Red Ring is more evil than Satan, the Anti-Christ and Khan (from Star Trek) combined. Other cults have been formed that worship the Red Ring, like those Satanists, but are persecuted on every imaginable forum on the net. You know you're reeeeaaaalllllyyyy sad when you get bagged out by nerds. The Red Ring also means that your X-Box 360 has acquired AIDS.
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[edit] When you get "Red Ringed"
The Red Ring of Death is the most traumatizing time of your life if you are a hardcore nerd i.e twat. If you have a real life, you can cope because, if you're clever, you still have the receipt and can get it fixed. However, you own a rediciulous unreliable console that relies entirely on multi-format games a 4th rate "exclusives", so when RROD strikes, you're fucked. The only cure for being "Red Ringed" is to Immerse you head in a bucket of water for 30 minutes or so. That way you will never have to suffer the indignity of RROD ever again and the rest of civilisation will gain from you being removed from the gene pool. link title In nerd communities, these people are laughed at mercilessly. This has created the "Curse of the Red Ring of Death", where those who laughed at a "Red Ringed-ee" get the dreaded ring when the original Red Ringed Xbox returns from repairs.
[edit] Who gets "Red Ringed"
All Xboxes will be Red Ringed, especially those that try to play crapbox games. Bill Gates is smarter than the average bear. The statistical probability of Red Ring occurring breaks down as the following;
- Any Xbox 360 console = 100% chance of occurring
The red ring was invented in North Korea as a plot to force all xbox upsessed kids to yell at their systems and kill themselves. Luckily now they have nukes but the red ring is still hungry for your childs soul hahahahahaha.
- Elite (pronounced "L33t") Xbox 360 console = 25%+ chance
- Note: The likelihood of Red Ring of Death occurring is directly proportional to:
- The number of games owned (and hence $$$ spent)
- The number of hours spent playing games.
- The number of hours spent on Xbox Live.
- The amount of purchased content you own.
- The amount of child/bestial porn you have on your hard drive.
Upon hearing about the phenomenon of the Red Ring of Death (RROD) the Xbox 360 owner instantly becomes in danger of it occuring. Rumors exist that n00bs don't experience RROD. This is untrue, because in their n00bish state, they think they've connected 3 red controllers and reckon it's cool. If they're gangsta, they say "shizzle my nizzle" a few times, ring up their homies and bros and say it's "fully sick". Then they find out they can't play Saints Row and someone breaks it to them that they're not gangsta. Real gangstas play crapboxes.
n00bs and Gamers alike will instantly research everything they can about RROD using the unholy google. Approximately 1.32 minutes later they will discover that there is no hope. They bought a complete turd of a console and there is nothing they can do about it.
[edit] Serious? online gamers
Online gaming is the realm of "serious" i.e deluded 360 owners. Now when Red Ring of Death occurs, this can lead to expensive computer-related violence or furious bouts of wanking.
Here is a very disturbing example of when online gaming is taken tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo far.
Please note that this is an EXAMPLE OF ONLINE GAMING COMPUTER VIOLENCE (and unnecessary caps and loose associations).
[edit] Signs of the Red Ring
The signs of the dreaded red ring can be detailed as a three-quarter circle colored red with a green power button. The system may or may not display anything on your screen, or shoot whatever game that is in the console out at you at high speeds. In severe cases, The system may whisper in agony but this can be caused from the immense cofusion caused by the mere sight of the red ring.
Symptoms of the red ring were described as moderate to severe,and could include, but not be limted to...
- Hysteria
- Upset stomach
- Strange rashes
- Nightmares
- Erectile Dysfunction
- Frequent Masturbation
- Contradictory statements
- Unsettling Tendencies
- Excessive Diarrhea
- Unexplained twitches
- Perfectly explainable twitches
- Darkness. This is exceptionally dangeruous because it could result in being eaten by a Grue
- Hysteria
- The inability to rationalise that they have bought a pile of excrament and go out and buy a proper console instead.
And on rare occasion, Minor cases of Deja vu with fits of Hysteria.
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[edit] Mutations of the Ring
Like all good incurable conditions, the RROD will, depending on how much money you spend, mutate into a new and wholly unnatural form. There are 3 separate forms that it can assume, each one logarithmically worse than the last.
The Quarter Ring: consisting of one red segment of the ring, this was believed to be an undeveloped form of the ring until gamers noticed the god-awful, retina-scorching ERROR message plastered on their screens. Please, for the love of all that is holy, keep your warranties up. Because if this appears, your sole option is to send the damn thing in for repair. [Translation: The guys at Xbox don't know what the hell this is and send you a new unit to shut you up and avoid legal action]
The Half-Ring: Same look as above, minus the error message and it has two segments instead of one. Of course, I'm not telling you anything you haven't already figured out am I?
The 3-Quarter Ring: Rarely seen if ever. In actuality when you see this it's over because it will make you a splode.
Unlike other mutations though, these variations on the RROD have virtually the same symptoms. You may additionally have the urge to huff something, or maybe kick a gnome, but generally the symptoms stay the same.
[edit] What to do
Some believe that if you close your eyes and ears and sing loud enough, the big bad ring will go away. This is jibber-jabber. The Xbox is thankfully dead. Send it away in a box to the magic post office and it will be fixed. Eventually. Then stop crying and don't play World of Warcraft. Ever.
You can also try buying a PS3, but this will result in:
- Actually realising that you wasted money buying your 360.
- Saving a fortune on online gaming.
- Realizing that the online is run entirely on non dedicated servers so you can always experience PS3 again.
- Having a wide choice of different games in which all, and many more, were on the 360.
- Being able to watch full 1080p movies.
- Owning a games console that wont die once a month.
- Having to buy many more batteries for your own vibrators.
- not getting your eardrums perforated by screaming 10 year old kids.
You could also commit suicide. Try it! Its fun!
One other method of getting rid of the ring is the towel method. By wrapping the Xbox in a big warm towel, the Xbox can't see anything, and the ring thinks it doesn't exist. Then, the ring kills itself, as it doesn't exist and is still existing for some reason.
There are only three people that are able to cure Red Ring of Death without sending away for repairs; User:Bernard, Obama and Chuck Norris.
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