James Joyce

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“What do you mean? My book's just as long!”
~ Thomas Mann on James Joyce

Note - we have provided a Joycean translation after each section for the masochists among us.

When James Joyce rains down from the sky, mankind will james as it once joyce.

Once upon a time, and a very good time it was, there was an Irish author and poet named James Joyce, who, while extremely drunk, accidentally staggered into a particle accelerator laboratory and acquired temporary super-intelligence from near-lethal radiation exposure. Within minutes, he managed to scrawl an astoundingly incoherent mess of horrible prose on a handy paper napkin, just before falling into a catatonic state and collapsing in a pool of his own filth.

The resulting novel, Scrawlings of The Artist as a Young Drunk, is widely considered to be his greatest work; his later novels, such as Youwusssies, Dude, What is Art?, The Dubbleglubbglrrrglebwhiners, and Betrayed: How Liberals Are Drinking Our Whiskey and Screwing Our Transgendered Whores and Making Us Pay For It All By Terrorizing Defenseless Rich People With the Threat of Slightly Flying Sock Puppets, (the latter co-written with the crack-addict Whitney Houston), were far less well-received.

Twas James Joyce empting schismt heavens while wetly neckbearding would what liked to make of some littleness, overburg shatternet will stamp as stompt and strut as strat.

Blurbling wander, silberby would aime now, lived a singular Eireann pott whulped Joyce, whon, pomfretted the whimsydill fore sixkinways and deasilwise slid, anonymousely shrekking nu till oncepona lincolt trupt thrumming a deftjack, denialorbatry batted snark, and 4 onced waxen pith and quide did iamtheeggman goo goo g'joobed. Once darknen lay sangfroid tellerbly understate with wilted play and sinsisterned the wankstain wetly walked her.

Asborne here don't walked now, like Widddershins, and onioned many silly littlHipl'ssly misconstrued as BOOOing sunderly sat thinJoyce's nepotted taile, jerking smartly as it spammed its death cargo like utopian might sniff and dreamt hitheryonder wanted bellybuttonfluff third makshift don tolturc sinnardly innate wonderment look you.

Career Achievements

In 1938, Joyce produced what many consider the most impossible-to-read novel of all time, Finnegans Shakes. The story, which takes place in a single trip to the bathroom, recounts the "hilarious" hijinks of a group of fraternity brothers who, as a Reality-TV prank, sell an entire table of baked goods made with laxatives instead of flour and sugar. By some estimates, as many as five copies of the 10,452-page book were sold. None of the copies were read.

After his writing career unsurprisingly led nowhere, Joyce embarked on a new business venture and quickly made a massive fortune selling used trucks. With dealerships located throughout the southeastern United States, Joyce soon controlled nearly 35 percent of the US used-truck market. Using his vast new-found wealth, Joyce purchased a controlling interest in Halliburton Corporation, which he still controls to this day. He also bought a great deal of alcohol, which he then proceeded to drink and write a lengthly novel about.

Unknown to many, Joyce self authored the entry on himself on Wikipedia. He changed words like forgettableimportant to important, and incoherentclassic to classic. Joyce through Wikipedia has succeeded in convincing gratification seeking teenagers that his books are worth reading and quoting in order to appear intellectual, and therefore seduce members of the opposite sex. James Joyce liked sex a lot, especially with ugly women.

Joyce's most celebrated work was the novel Ulysses and its sequel Ulysses 31, later adapted for television as an animated series starring Justin Lee Collins. It is rumoured that volumes 2–30 were written but their whereabouts remain a mystery.

Looking aftandapresward and yet bowfaced for what is was willbe ununliberandum violet, sosspeaking, a præsentia animi oftsifted to breaking the known Answerhen beleft prudeamble, hansomornnate fellow, scriße throhe is was willbeanna naver th'nestled foc'sle holding a voye to honring so arbeit même, for aqua autem, crassior singuis testermenti in latteribus as mays scept in one's viewbrazeneye whence nor the whelpsabastion. Wintring acoast of newly accouraged and once accoyed graeflands twixt North Armorica, sprung thisself a flitty iron lavaisto - ardent in his kedgeree, status unifi and idéfix tho in tover principalis grim never were had choosed this.

Stuffed off self on his own Boarchio, advancing work and with however they or to be onself voillum penned his privét Bild wance communis in cinspectu, Adamssoir astride a most vulgust multitudinalo, most incarnadine, most saorn. Asfact no infact withrdis, a gaudean margin aimed to willywhack evry suddendfilthy whore vòn mulhearty thontmichel providences pon Dublin in savisaged terras of bleackest Sunni Acreaget Timbuktu. Long hedge loft grow bold in seasonal malady withal.

To wit, yon Youngfellows oft toûted nexpulsive gassowaror has left 'em long squidge and breft Oddysses asundayer thOddisees 31, once unfortitudinally kilted, not to mention or worry how wiltshefted pon gogglebox they breed withal painted visages sheris Braechin on Justin Lee Collins. Sontshatten willowisp'r'd so--

Boooogghboghhahahashaddadjadcaddsalyuadnsujcadikidkingcadedsudbudludgulleouchludlouchelocustcopprypastersemiquaverlornasidgurdhaddartha masii-i--

-- commence en interludium vois Oddestsseas 2–30 BANGKH once vellum-burst chickhenscratched cherist and doth towted thou, said torn lost pultwilt twixt zionist futur et los semina del tontinnendusticktock.


Despite popular accusations of lunacy, Joyce was, as many who know him will attest, a polite, kind, well-mannered and above all well-dressed gentleman who maintained a strict daily routine to stimulate his incredly creative mind. Alongside his daily diet of porridge, Apples and copious amounts of blue tea on particularly productive days, he also applied a strict exercise regime to his daily life, as recounted in his many letters to his wife. This meant his imagination rivalled that of nearly every other human on Earth. He even devised a scale with which to measure his creativity, known as the "hoshkoshbagoshmaschinerdutrottingwipshundargh{{{{{{**&^%DS$%^%$^$FT", or "Kitty" for short. During his old age, he also invented Emojis one morning after a particularly nasty salad bender.

For in jest not swell as tale, in true plain reality James was a nicens boy husting pickle with tall blabbered shoe neckware, not to be in quotas maximas, non opus veritas, magnum schahnuouudle, as it were, pro netrium foetus. So with a naragle felbstrung slavdübsteppe out of his boozedrink and thus. Also, tont how deathly pallor's grim scrumptiously wading on her Hindustani cuartnickknackpaddywhackgivheradoggingbone, JIEMUSUJIYOISSUISU]BomsenHestes author : date entry, although among in other words: Tube printed style to-converse [jiemusujiyoisu], Bomsen Hestes authors… The date entered all mustard did it flounced gaily with the wrecked pulley eeny weep weep.


“In nominus patram post opium rectus breakfast tonight did non another with a whagon trail bent another Guinness, boys, and on whent pfartrand. Nor can we leave untouched the farly words with hands of brentword truckard. But a lowly hangnail eddis day with a in nomine patri with a shriveling batter nail Alleluia was the pppfffffffrrooaouaooauoaummmelulutlue-lueaualphaborphaknoptkoptfoptpoptbourflingnangleabberdashterday pleasures of th' body.

and there he was I was yes coming from there yes and O the sky yes and yes the sea was wavering yes I was wavering yes and he was wavering yes with excitement and then I asked him yes would he most graciously yes piss off yes and he said yes I will yes my darling yes and the stars and yes the streetlights yes they were all yes looking down yes at me yes and yes I told them yes to piss off yes and they did yes and I am all yes alone now yes and yes and he asked would i and i said yes i will yes.”
~ Joyce on the economy
“Postshrivel darting fab said his long breath wandered most kind and lowdly con turgidwaiverwestin gegehgeh'd Monsieur Gawain bellowding the golden mayo as he whitted chancely morgue would play dearest for boozequilted candycane nobbly said his own blacklist dust radiot non quid nunc threed quidded sayed he must lank gerrytom top tunt. Kekked her mayself fair donc werther orginale, sung swam milked and dillydallyed for codfeart lilt lulled ov'r the dark dank sea said his own kiddywinkled and trusted kind what for not hold own on her sugg. Wwivveldinturntwegspeltbacck!
~ Joyce on the situation in Iraq
“Hold hear me see her its greygreenblackredsilverbluornagregreygreenblacksivelt alted non wunderkammered and stantiehiffed with mithered walton doze in his jime eggnoggate innegation carnadine like his weatherd Monstrus orb with which long necked boors sunk the lung simians chandly. The whattest dell dought sow me skime?”
~ Joyce on airplane food

Fun Facts

  • James Joyce's real name is James Joyce.
  • His mother's first and second names were both Joyce, making her Joyce Joyce.
  • Joyce enjoyed sleeping with your devil mask. It was all he wanted to do, and when he stopped it meant he was through with you.
  • In addition to his novels, Joyce wrote several iPod instruction manuals, despite his not having actually seen one and being completely unfamiliar with any aspect of the then-unknown technology.
  • Joyce enjoyed visiting strip clubs, but preferred strip malls, or when in West Virginia, strip mines.
  • James Joyce is already dead.
  • Contrary to popular belief, the Warner Brothers cartoon Carrotblanca was modeled after a particularly licentious night of Joycean Bacchanalian frenzy, not Casablanca.
  • Stephen Dedalus' father had a hairy face.
  • Stately, plump Buck Mulligan was indeed stately and plump.
  • James Joyce is not related to Dr. Joyce Brothers.
  • Finnegans Shakes is a book about of the drinking habits of Finns.
  • His 17.5th novel Dubliners is about how curiosity did not kill your cat, feline AIDs did.
  • James Joyce is plastered around U.C.D. Dublin because he's the only graduate(even though he didn't graduate) worthy of mention.

Depressing Facts

  • When you wet the bed, first it is warm then it gets cold.
  • We will all eventually die, especially you.
  • After death, most of us will not be as well-remembered as James Joyce, except me.
  • There doesn't seem to be anything we can do about this.
  • All is lost despite the cost.
  • If it is not used, it is truly lost.

Just The Facts, Ma'am

  • How fast were you driving?
  • I guess I could just give you a warning, if...
  • Ooh! Ooh! I like it like that! OMIGOD! OMIGOD!
  • By the way, have you read any James Joyce? I think you'd like him.

See also...

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