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Friday, July 25, 2014, 10:24 (UTC)
Obama laugh
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- As world events swirl out of control, Obama is raising cash from the nation's only stable source of emergency funding, Democratic Party donors.

Their aid will ensure that the "Guatemalan" "refugees" streaming into the U.S. are promptly returned home, after being given multiple EBT cards and guidance on how to face Mecca. Full story»


Pope Francis behind Plexiglas
VATICAN CITY -- Pope Francis gave a guarantee that 2% of priests are pedophiles, adding several other facts that were immediately denied by the Vatican hierarchy.

However, the Holy Father was unable to guarantee that the number of priests who are homosexual, have bad breath, or are boring orators matched the occurrence of those types in the general population. Full story»

EricPicklesSqueeze
WESTMINSTER, UK -- Prime Minister David Cameron announced the annual charity Musical Chairs event in Parliament. Ed Miliband, who chairs the Committee on Table Manners, will further entertain the Commons by eating two bacon sandwiches during the competition.

But ministers who take a tumble, squeezing past Eric Pickles in the narrow aisles, could find themselves injured and unable to hold their cabinet position in the final year. Full story»


Beck Crying
McALLEN, Texas -- Glenn Beck stammered to explain charges that he brought teddy bears and soccer balls to migrants in Texas.

"We don't want them playing with a football or a baseball, or we'll be outsourcing our NFL and MLB jobs to migrant workers in 20 years," Beck explained, and then stormed off of the stage. Full story»

Joe-biden
NASHVILLE, Tennessee -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) Vice President Joe Biden called on the governors of the U.S. states to "lead the nation out of this mess we're in."

Not only is it unclear which mess Mr. Biden meant, but Mr. Biden's boss was responsible for leading the nation out of any mess, as well as probably for getting it into the mess, though he was busy shooting pool with Colorado governor John Fluffernutter. Full story»

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About UnNews
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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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This day in 2013

TV Highlights July 25


Quinn the Quantum Guy Children
Nick Jr. 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
If you read this, you cannot watch the show. If you watch the show, you cannot have read this.

Product Testing Lab Documentary
Discovery. 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Minute examination of how products are tested. This week: Preparation-H.

Repeat of 1960s American Drama Drama
CBS Action. 5:00 PM GMT
This week Captain Kirk meets Walker Texas Ranger in NCIS for the showdown of a lifetime.

Viewers in the United States can receive these broadcasts by notifying their local cable provider that they would like the Highbrow Package, which includes all these channels plus several in Hindi and complete coverage of Smackdown Wrestling.

Viewers in the UK might try contacting their local BT network for an upgrade from only receiving two channels to receiving three and all in colour.

Viewers in Australia or New Zealand might want to turn their TVs upside down (right way up) so that they can receive the signal.

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