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Monday, May 30, 2016, 20:33:59 (UTC)

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Bill Weld
DISNEY WORLD, Florida -- As U.S. Republicans are set to nominate a lifelong Democrat, and Democrats agonize between a nominee who is arguably not a Democrat and a woman who is arguably not a stateswoman to replace a President who is arguably not an American, the Libertarian Party, at its nominating convention here, joined the crowd and selected two men who have never been libertarian. Full story»
UnNews Logo Potato1BREXIT
LONDINIUM, Roman Empire -- Emperor Julius-Claudius Junckerstine warned the Britons that it will lead to higher taxes and deformed babies if they vote in June to give up access to the single Imperial market.

"If Britons vote to break away," he said, "Londinium will lose out. It will become a ghost town." Full story»

TORQUAY, England -- A coach-load of beaver has been sent to Devon to boost the gene pool, part of Natural England’s wider strategy to boost the economy.

The action was prompted when it was discovered Torquay’s opticians had approached Ray-Ban about designer frames for cyclopses. Full story»

CRE bacterium
PUNXATAWNEY, Pennsylvania -- A bacterium has been found in Pennsylvania that is resistant to every known antibiotic — a situation called "the end of the road."

Most bacteria patiently wait a few millennia for a legitimate mutation to ward off penicillin, amoxycillin, exetera; but Mr. E. Coli bulked up on "plasmids" and spent weekends at Gold's Gym until he could withstand exetera, clean living, and even America's last line of defense, colistin. Full story»

Mobil @ 2.89
DALLAS, Texas -- Exxon has approved a shareholder measure that could put a pedophile on the Board of Directors.

The measure merely lets minority shareholders nominate outsiders to sit on the Board and be listed in the prospectus as a candidate. Actually electing a pedophile would require that the company undergo further shaming next year, but Senior Editors at UnNews are up to the challenge. Full story»

Solar Impulse Moffett
TULSA, Oklahoma -- The Solar Impulse 2 left Tulsa on its way to Ohio. It arrived two hours late at Tulsa, but the TSA has advised Americans to allow three hours for their pre-flight federal pat-downs.

Unfortunately, the single passenger, hapless token salesman Clivus Multrum, was late for his meeting, and must now wait for the next solar-powered flight back to Phoenix. Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights May 30

Quinn the Quantum Guy Children
Nick Jr. 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
If you read this, you cannot watch the show. If you watch the show, you cannot have read this.

Product Testing Lab Documentary
Discovery. 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Minute examination of how products are tested. This week: Preparation-H.

Repeat of 1960s American Drama Drama
CBS Action. 5:00 PM GMT
This week Captain Kirk meets Walker Texas Ranger in NCIS for the showdown of a lifetime.

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