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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard
Sunday, March 1, 2015, 16:30 (UTC)
Spock hand
STARFLEET -- Mr. Spock passed away Friday, the victim of a temporal paradox through repeated time travel, which implies that he may never have been alive at all.

He was hospitalized last week but was released several days later. If he achieved this with more time travel, it is possible that he was never hospitalized to begin with. He regretted having smoked, though it is not clear why he didn't just go further back in time and hide his butts. Full story»

OSLO, Norway -- Rats have brought a genus-action lawsuit for libel after scientists in Norway revealed that the true carriers of the Black Death were gerbils.

Researchers writing in the Journal of the British Rodent Guild explain why the plague, which wiped half of Europe's population in the mid 14th century, spread so quickly — gerbils were being passed around openly in cages as playthings — unlike rats, which no one will touch, unless they're Goths or into the occult. Full story»

PARIS, France -- Death will now be a thing of the past, as L’Oreal has invented a $15 miracle cream that, technically speaking, would let Dame Helen Mirren re-grow a severed foot.

But a customer died after using the product; another’s head turned light blue and a few other customers' bones have dissolved, effects that the FDA claims put the formulation a couple notches beneath the statutory goals of "safety and efficacy." Full story»

FORT BENNING, Georgia -- The U.S. Army has finished testing a new grenade that can be stacked like Lego blocks.

The munition is part of the Army's strategy of "reaching out" to Islam through play therapy, to help jihadis get in touch with their inner child and view American combat troops as warm and friendly social workers, culminating in President Obama's National Summit on Youngsters Who Don't Play Well. Full story»

Pat a
HOLLYWOOD, California -- Patricia Arquette used her Oscar acceptance speech to demand equal male-dominatrix rights and opportunities for women shading the big grey “50”.

Arquette urged the nation's MILFs to support cellar conversions with frames designed to hang naked people from, to a standing ovation from Meryl Streep and Bill Cosby. Full story»

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Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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This day in 2013

TV Highlights March 1

Quinn the Quantum Guy Children
Nick Jr. 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
"Hide and Seek." If you cannot see your parents, do they still exist?

Finish Your Peas Drama
Lifetime. 9:00 PM EDT/8:00 CDT
Someday, little Tommy will be DEAD.
THEN they'll be sorry!

Future shock Science documentary
Science Channel 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Scientists gloat about technology takeover. Michio Kaku attempts to help us understand why we have to do what the robots are telling us to.

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