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Thursday, January 29, 2015, 14:56 (UTC)
Juno
FLAT 1, Mount Olympia -- Juno, the emotionally fragile Goddess of marriages, is allegedly throwing cutlery and slamming doors, after hearing her name given to Superstorm Juno striking the eastern United States.

Just as the fallout is settling from Pastor Isidorio’s announcement that the Gay Pride Parade in São Paulo caused droughts, incestuous activity is being blamed for the record American snowfalls. Full story»

Hibachi in Snow
UnNewsNAVEL-GAZING
NASHUA, New Hampshire -- The 35 million in the U.S. northeast are living in panic of news reports of historic snow. The press has to outdo its breathless coverage of last weekend's four inches, as the region now expects 24 inches.

The "mainstream media" reported the storm is "growing exponentially," which means that Monday's 1 inch and Tuesday's 10 will be followed by 100 on Wednesday, and so on until it causes the moon to make snow butterflies as it orbits the earth. Full story»


Greek Election
ATHENS, Greece -- Leftist leader Alexis Tsipras promised, after his Syriza party swept to victory, that Greece’s Archaic Period of antiquity "humiliation and suffering" imposed by oligarchs is over and a "Golden Dawn" had begun.

"By Zeus, today is one for the scrolls!” Tspiras proclaimed from the front of the Parthenon. Full story»

Ghoton
GLASGOW, England -- Junior technician Peter Woodlouse has managed to slow down light not just in water or glass but in free space — by playing The Endless River, Pink Floyd’s latest album, in a room full of weed smoke.

Mr. Woodlouse said he was “stoked” when a non-ionising photon stopped for a brief chat. Full story»


Obama bow
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) Obama will leave India early to detour to Saudi Arabia for the funeral of Abdullah — unless his scheduled golf game should require a tie-breaker round.

Scholars of Journalism listed many Historic Firsts Mr. Obama's trip will achieve, including being the first to praise Saudi Arabia as a moderating influence in Arabia, in remarks to be delivered at Blood Libel University. Full story»

State of union
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Barack Obama wrote his own State of the Union Address, taking inspiration from great speech writers, such as Toby Ziegler, Will Ferrell and Barack Obama.

The President honed his vocalization to emphasise his pseudo-passion, dispassionately. He went on to promote his own agenda, which is to launch a pop music career. Full story»

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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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This day in 2013

TV Highlights January 29


Quinn the Quantum Guy Children
Nick Jr. 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
If you read this, you cannot watch the show. If you watch the show, you cannot have read this.

Product Testing Lab Documentary
Discovery. 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Minute examination of how products are tested. This week: Preparation-H.

Repeat of 1960s American Drama Drama
CBS Action. 5:00 PM GMT
This week Captain Kirk meets Walker Texas Ranger in NCIS for the showdown of a lifetime.

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