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Sunday, July 5, 2015, 14:17:59 (UTC)

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Camoba
BUCKINGHAMSHIRE, England-- Great Britain became the 51st State of the United States of America as the official Declaration of Dependence was signed by Senator David Cameron this morning — completing the Revolution of 1776.

British statesmen ejected tea (and Harman) into a marina, and decamped to Burger King for a Double Whopper and banana milkshake. Full story»


Solar Impulse 2
HONOLULU, Hawaii -- A solar-powered airplane is due to land here Friday in a record-setting, around-the-world flight that promises to change the face of aviation.

The plane spends the daytime just above Earth's atmosphere to recharge its solar batteries, as the pilots steer by synchronized leaning. At night, it descends to 30 feet to save energy, and to try for boosts from chimneys, smokestacks, and semi-trailers on expressways. Full story»

Drivers
SILVERSTONE, England -- Formula One has been asked to kill more drivers live on television as of next year.

Bloodthirsty fans are leaving the sport in droves to watch more exhilarating things, such as chess and water evaporating. Full story»


USAJapanese
HOLLYWOOD -- The actor who portrayed Mr. Sulu has discovered a new, alien life form.

Mr. Sulu concluded that dissenting Justice Clarence Thomas was not a legitimate African American but a "clown in blackface" — a "First Contact" with an alien species that would be Mr. Sulu's first without the assistance of Captain Kirk. Full story»

Gyros
LONDON -- Tourists going on holiday to Greece should take enough gyros to cover the entire trip, said Chancellor George Osborne.

“With Greece’s financial crisis, tourists may find themselves in the market and unable to recognize anything. Fortunately, most British supermarkets have a range of very photogenic moussakas, kleftico and souvlaki that can be photographed cold for posting on Facebook.” Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights July 5


Opportunity Knox Comedy
ABC 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Accused murderer hottie Amanda Knox answers a roommate wanted ad from a retired Mars rover - hilarity ensues as they clash about everything from kitchen duties to panties drying on the deep space antennae.

Viral Videos ?
TBS 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Every supposedly hilarious you-tube video you've already been linked to one hundred times on Facebook, in case your day was not dreadful enough already.

TV Highlights Readers Documentary
Discovery 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
People who read the TV Highlights section.
No, you're not in it.
What, you think you're the only one who reads this crap?
Stupid narcissist.

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