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Monday, May 21, 2018, 09:01:59 (UTC)

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JERUSALEM, Israel -- Normally optimistic and peace loving apartheid acolyte, Benjamin Netanyahu, surprised all disinterested people when he warned on Tuesday that a nuclear-armed Iran is ”a nillion times more dangerous and destructive than so-called Islamic State,” his office warned.

“As savvy and stylish as ISIS is, still they are civilized when compared to the stark raving suicidal maniacs in Iran. As the preeminent terrorist state since the last 500 centuries, if Iran even entertains the ‘mere thought’ of trying to acquire nuclear weapons, it will be one trillion times more scary, two zillion times more dangerous, and three nillion times more destructive than ISIS,” Netanyahu said, referring to the homicidal Iran, whose latest act of overt military aggression was as recently as 1798 when they used to be called Persia. Full story»

HOMOS, Syria — American Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson, stated on Thursday that all Syrian government forces and their citizens must leave Syria immediately, or be sanctioned by the Council on Foreign Relations and/or Starbucks.

Speaking to CNN’s Fareed Zakaria on Thursday, Tillerson stated that the UN Security Council has not approved the work of the Syrian Government and its coalition in Syria, nor has Syria been invited by Syria’s legitimate government, the United States. Full story»

ROME, Roman Empire — First Imperious Lady (3rd edition) Livia Augusta took advantage of an organized meeting of the Roman Senate to address those who have criticized her for taking on a platform that includes opposition to permanent dictatorship.

"I am well aware that people are skeptical of me discussing this topic," said Livia in opening remarks. "I have been criticized for my commitment to tackling this issue and I know that will continue. But it will not stop me from doing what I know is right." Full story»

ET Hawking
Donald J. Trump Space Center, Florida -- After much delay, the late astrophysicist Stephen Hawking was finally launched into space at 9PM EST last night. Supporters of the Americans With Disabilities Act successfully sued in the Supreme Court for this to happen. A spokesperson noted, "Since able-bodied spacesuits in Teslas could be sent into space, provisions must be made to allow the disabled to do the same." As it happened, United Airlines attempted to throw Hawking off the flight but quickly realized that this was not one of their flights. Full story»
Washington D.C., USA -- Donald Trump has confirmed that he has chosen the Easter Bunny as his 2020 USA presidential running mate. He made the announcement after finding a missing Easter egg on the White House lawn.

The move to replace the current Vice President Mike Pence was after Trump's advisors (Ivanka, Jarred and Barron) told 'Dad' that he didn't need Pence anymore. They said the Evangelicals would vote for him even if he stood outside Congress and take a leak. Full story»

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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights May 21

Horizon: Investigation into whether Microbiology exists elsewhere in the Universe Science Documentary
BBC 3 7:00 PM GMT
Brian Cox gets an insight into the search of microbiology on other planets.

Who wants to be Abducted by an Alien Quiz Show
ITV1 5:00 PM GMT
A quiz show in which celebrities compete to be kidnapped by ET! (Warning: This programme is for entertainment purposes only and does not support the fact that alien life exists).

Aliens: A daily struggle to survive! Science Documentary
Channel 5 8:00 PM GMT
We meet Alan and Dave, random people off the street who claim they are aliens, to obtain true, scientifically proven facts about alien serial killers living in the Midlands with dramatic narration and the theme from Dracula playing on repeat in the background.

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