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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard
Friday, October 24, 2014, 12:47 (UTC)
OTTAWA, Ontario -- Canadian authorities say the week's two jihad attacks do not appear to have anything in common but are "lone wolf attacks" and possibly cases of "workplace violence."

Jihadist Michael Zehaf-Bibeau seemed agitated when he couldn't get a passport. Members of Parliament, after a five-minute standing ovation, began debating whether the Passport Bureau should be streamlined for loners with numerous drug arrests whose hobby is holy war. Full story»

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Barack Obama has opted to put "boots on the ground" after all, calling on veteran singer Nancy Sinatra to donate her old boots to "throw at the fanatics."

Sinatra's old Top 40 hit, These Boots Are Made for Walking, will be blasted through loudspeakers as the old footwear is dropped on ISIS. If these run out, the Philippines will supply Imelda Marcos's confiscated shoe collection as a backup. Full story»

Onyango Obama
CHICAGO, Illinois -- President Obama has voted here, using his ability to make excellent decisions before the facts are in, as when he decided that authorities "acted stupidly."

But many blacks may shun the election, and Mr. Obama called on them to "find cousin Pookie....grab him and tell him to go vote," which many in the dwindling audience evidently left to do. Full story»

Matzah Ball Soup
WIKIA CITY, California -- Computing giants Facebook and Apple will offer to freeze the eggs of productive female employees.

The move will let them keep their tits their noses to the grindstone, cranking out web pages and policy manuals and filing complaints about the cafeteria food throughout their productive years. Then they can have a baby at age 70, and hire someone who can actually bear it, nurse it, pick it up, and remember its name, and might adopt it when they die when the kid is 5. Full story»

Cup holder
DETROIT, Michigan -- Automotive engineer Kevin Blaser has received the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize for suggesting that the new, all-aluminum, Ford pick-up truck get two coffee-cup holders in its tailgate.

Ford rushed his suggestion into production without the usual four-year design review. He is confident the indentations will not be hard to clean and will not attract corrosion, as there are no lakes anywhere near Detroit whose water is salty or occasionally sprays up. Full story»

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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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This day in 2012

TV Highlights October 24

Jesus Slaps the Shit Outta _____. Fantasy
EWTN 6:00 PM EDT/5:00 CDT
This week's guests: American Catholic Bishops.

Spanish Inquisition Game
HIST 6:00 PM EDT/5:00 CDT
Betcha weren't expecting this.

Test Patterns Art history
CBS 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
In an effort to boost ratings, the network replaces one of its several crime dramas with an hour long slide show of test cards used throughout TV history.

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