Reasons to become an Atheist

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If you become an atheist, then when Jesus knocks, you can call the cops!

Time Magazine's #1 Reason to be an Atheist is: Darwin always brings the beer.

HEY YOU!

Yes, YOU!

Are YOU sick of having rules to live by?
Is your religion not centred around YOU?
Does your life not have enough YOU in it?

Then become an Atheist today! It's quick, it's easy, and it's ~~initially~~ painless! Just look at all these advantages!

[edit] If you become an atheist today...

[edit] ...you'll save money!

...you'll never be persecuted for your religion! (Offer not valid in the Middle East and most of the South.)
...you'll get free membership in the ACLU!
...abortions are half-price! Don't be like Barbara Bush or Bristol Palin, act now to avoid future regrets!
...you'll save money on car insurance!
...you'll get a 20 percent discount on your wireless phone plan!
...you'll save money on funerals because you now know there's no point in getting all dressed up, since there's no place to go!
...you'll never have to strap on a suicide bomb for Allah! (no, suicide bombs aren't free!)
...you don't have to sign up in any holy-war/jihad! (Bullets cost money! And so do suicide bombs!)
...you won't need contribution boxes/collection plates/threats/absolute obedience!
...You wont need to make love to multiple women every day! (But you can if you want!)

[edit] ...you'll get to make fun of stuff!

...you can make fun of religious people! That's always hilarious!
...you get to laugh when Pat Robertson has a stroke!
...you can slash the tires on the Jehovah's Witnesses-in-trainings' bikes!
...you get to pose as a member of a fictional religious cult!
...you can refer to Adam and Eve as Adam and Steve!
...you can refer to Adam and Eve as Madam and Eve!
...you can refer to Adam and Eve as Aida and Eve!

[edit] ...you'll get to believe this stuff!

...you'll have a scientific worldview that is scientifically supported by scientific science (unless the scientists lie, because they have no morality and like to hide global warming emails and eat babies)!
...you'll get to believe that fishes can have monkey eggs! Well not quite.
...you'll get to finally think for yourself, according to a recent scientific journal.
- BONUS:' You won't have to dismiss any recent scientific journal as 'devil propaganda', because it's science (unless the scientists l–wait, I thought I said this alrea–I see Jesus on toast)!
...that you don't have to do something one way merely because an old book says you have to. You have brains to invent everything for yourself instead!
...that there isn't an omniscient God who can send you to Hell for dropping your rubbish on the floor!
...you'll get to believe that life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are inalienable rights given by Thomas Jefferson, who's now dead, along with his slaves!
...you are special because of your merits. Most Christians believe they are special because God created them. Without this belief they'd realize they are as common as dirt.
- ...which is what they claim to come from!
...you won't have to believe in any gods! Not the thousands that Christians reject when other cultures view them as atheists nor the one that the Christians do believe in! In fact, you can reject one more god than they do!
...you won't have to bathe, because after all, "cleanliness is next to godliness!"
...you don't have to kill someone simply because they don't believe what you believe! Beliefs can be wrong!
...you won't have to deal with heaven for all eternity, you can live like you want!!! And you don't burn in Hell either because Hell doesn't exist!!!

[edit] ...you'll get to be this stuff!

...responsible for your own actions! Next time you bomb an abortion clinic or defend your racism, you can't hide behind God in order to appear pious.
...free from superstition!
...you finally won't pay for your own sins! There is no such thing as wrong!¹
- ...you eventually won't feel bad about yourself if you do anything "wrong"!¹

¹Except for when you are editing Uncyclopedia. Then when you do wrong, you suffer the terrible fate of eternal banishment.

[edit] ...you'll get to do this stuff!

...you get Sunday (or whatever your former religion's Sabbath was) free! You can work or stay home or whatever you want! (You can watch football or do other cool things, like not watch football)
...you can take offense at EVERY religious holiday, as well as laugh at the serious devotees!
- ...you can insist on presents for EVERY religious holiday, too!
  - ...you can even invent a scientifically plausible story about a bunny laying eggs!
...you can masturbate in private or let consenting adults watch! You can do it before or after you got married.
...you can finally volunteer at that soup kitchen by the abortion clinic again without feeling compelled to question the source of the "mystery meat" in the broth!
...you get to fill your head with old religions like The Force, and become a Jedi!
...you can defecate on any form of religious paraphernalia. It is your ~~God~~ Thomas Jefferson-given right!
...you can secretly plot ways of decaying the moral fiber of America by turning kids gay!!
...you can have pre-marital sex with women without ~~God~~ ~~The Big Cheese~~ anybody whining about it!!! Even if you're a woman!
...you can defend your position with logic. No more need for doctrines, lies, superstition or suppositions you just pull out your ass to indefinitely suspend reason. You can just tell people your version of the truth!
...you don't have to defend your position with logic, you can just use evolution!!!
- ...and also you won't have to be polite when it's your Christian opponent's turn to defend theirs, because you make up your own morality!² Also, the media will help you by portraying Christians as ignorant boobs! Many of them of course are ignorant boobs.
...you can throw religious people into gulags, like Stalin! And you won't feel guilty afterwards!
...you can look down on anyone who disagrees with you!

²NOTE: On 99% of websites, this will start a flame war. However, just once wouldn't hurt...

[edit] ...you won't have to do this stuff!

...you don't have to automatically hate gays!
- ...but you can if you if you want to!
  - ...but you can, because being an Atheist makes you automatically tolerant (except to non-Atheists and Fox News).
...you won't be required to study Apologetics in anticipation of 'refuting' points brought about by the ~~Evil Atheist Conspiracy~~ Academica Intelligencia!
- ...Not only that, but you'll never have to actually refute any points that aren't part of your thesis (Courtesy of the Scientific Method)!
...you won't need communion wafers, which are incompatible with the Atkins diet!
...you'll never have to scream that people who don't belong to your religion are going to hell!
...you'll never have to worry that Gandhi or Albert Einstein or Anne Frank will have to go to hell for choosing the wrong religion!
...you'll never have to worry about the possibility of Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, Ted Haggard or Osama bin Laden going to heaven!
...you'll never have to punish your kid for having a beneficial mutation that gives them a better chance to survive and procreate!
...you'll never have to live with a kid for having a non-beneficial mutation that would otherwise pollute the gene pool (Kill, baby, kill³)!
...you'll never have to look busy when Jesus comes! Because he doesn't exist!

³We apologise for the fault in the above point. Those responsible have been sacked.

[edit] But wait! There's more!

If you become an atheist today, as a SPECIAL ADDED BONUS you will get this additional reason (a $100 value) ABSOLUTELY FREE!
- ...you'll never have to read anything by Tim LaHaye! Thank ~~God~~ yourself!

[edit] Other great reasons to be an Atheist

Because Richard Dawkins says so!
The theology of atheism is so simple, even You can understand it! ("In Soviet Russia, theology of atheism understands YOU!")
Wikipedia will make you an admin automatically using their OnlyAtheistAdmins bot!
You'll get to be 'alternative', 'subversive' and 'edgy'- just like all the cool kids, but with no risk of alcohol poisoning or STDs (Mynd you, møøse bites Kan be pretty nasti...⁴).
You get to take credit for the things you did. None of this "I would like to thank Goooood for my success," or, "I guess God was watching over me that night."
You don't have to pray during sex! ("Oh god.. OH GOD!!")! But you can shout it if it excites you!
- Instead, you finally have an excuse to shout your own name when having an orgasm ("Oh <insert name here>... Ohhh <insert name here>!")!
You won't be forced to bitch and complain about science eroding your mythology!
- You don't have to simply believe whatever your local priest-pedophile tells you when you have "special prayer time" with him.
You'll be automatically qualified to teach mythology classes at the University of Kansas!!
You will believe everything Richard Dawkins says, even though everything he says is cheese shoes!
- You will even be able to take The God Delusion seriously!
You can enjoy yourself at a Slayer concert!
You automatically get to hate Republicans!
You can spray the Mormon missionaries with water when they knock down your door!
You get to have a party when Pat Robertson dies! (Although most Christians will have a party when he dies)
You'll finally be able to experience an erection for yourself!
You can eat pork!
You get to say the word FUCK with out ever giving a FUCK
You get to curse at people til you slobber spit, get to tell them to HAUL THEIR STINKIN' WHOARIN ROTTEN STINKIN' BILJY BLUE BELLY STINKING YELLOW BELLY ROTTEN STINKING WHOARIN' MOTHER'S CUNT HOLE. with out giving a fuck.
You get to laugh at the pastor while in church coz he's talking shit.
You get to fuck up church members coz THEY'RE talking fuckry.
You get to slam the door in the faces of the Jehovah's Witnesses. No more feeling obligated to counter-convert them. No more wasting an hour of your day only to inevitably fail to counter-convert them. Just slam the door and its done.
You get to earn a real education at a real college, and not have to settle for a faux education at a christian college - facts tweaked and skewed so as not to cause any problems with the bible.
You get to earn a secular education at a secular college, brainwashed slowly for 4 years into believing that Christian colleges still uphold Christian principles, and being pushed to accept as fact the beliefs of less than half of one percent of the population.

⁴We apologise again for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked have been sacked.

[edit] Thinking of joining?

Sounds exciting? We think so, too! For just $19.95 (+ $10.05 p&h) you can receive an Atheism Starter Pack from Atheism Headquarters, complete with an introductory letter from Richard Dawkins, Bertrand Russell's essay "Why I Am Not An Atheist", a Pikachu Pokemon card, a handgun to practise your contitutional right, and an oral bound to protect yourself from sexually transmitted diseases and returning to Christianity!

Call our toll-free number, 1-800-NO-GOD-AH, give us your credit card det- Hang on, there no God...

Call our toll-free number, 1-800-NOAH, give us your cr- There's no Noah either...

Call our toll-free number, 1-800, give us your credit card details, your postage address, and your social security number, and we'll send you the Atheism Starter Pack, so you can become an Atheism Master.

[edit] But WAIT! There's MORE!!!

CALL IN THE NEXT 10 MINUTES...

... and you'll receive a 6-pack of Budweiser beer, absolutely FREE! Remember, true Atheists don't drink the label, because they don't expect to be able to read it again until the morning after.

[edit] Don't forget our 30-day money-back guarantee!

Is Atheism not quite right for you? Don't worry! If, in 30 days, you're not satisfied, send us back your Bible and we'll refund you the FULL COST of the Atheism Starter Pack!

So, what are you waiting for? Don't delay! Ignore your God today!

[edit] See also

Reasons to become an Atheist

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Contents

[edit] If you become an atheist today...

[edit] ...you'll save money!

[edit] ...you'll get to make fun of stuff!

[edit] ...you'll get to believe this stuff!

[edit] ...you'll get to be this stuff!

[edit] ...you'll get to do this stuff!

[edit] ...you won't have to do this stuff!

[edit] But wait! There's more!

[edit] Other great reasons to be an Atheist

[edit] Thinking of joining?

[edit] But WAIT! There's MORE!!!

[edit] Don't forget our 30-day money-back guarantee!

[edit] See also

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