Real Madrid

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Contents 1 Real MyDirt Aka FC Holland 2 History 2.1 Galactic Champions League "Victory" 2.2 Record Breaking Transfer Signings 3 Policy

[edit] Real MyDirt Aka FC Holland

“I wanted so badly to be in that 'Super Size Me' film.”

~ Ronaldo on 17 May 2006

“I want to be the manager one day so I can teach the players how to headbutt the opposition and be a butthead”

~ Zinedine Zidane on 17 May 2006

“ I stole David's testerone pills to get a much sexier voice”

~ Luis Figo on 1 June 2006

“ I stole Luis's waxing kit and he doesn't know about it so I'm letting the media know. Sssssh! I like James Sitaldin of Suriname who was my old boyfriend in Brazil and I used to fu*** him a lot. Don't tell him though”

~ David Beckham on 1 June 2006, in response to Figo's claim

“LIES!!!! LIES!!!!!”

~ Real Madrid fans on F.C. Barcelona winning La Liga and the Champions League

Real Madrid a.k.a. Real Mandril or Former Liverpool FC + Manchester United FC Retirement Center + Real Madrid players, is the richest but nonetheless the poopiest soccer club in history of mankind. These days they are crap and their players have gangbangs. Sworn enemies of F.C. Real Madrid, popularly also known as pathetico madrid F.C., Real is know for wasting millions of dollars on purchasing players based on their hair styles and obviously never succeed in anything, apart from warming up the bench. As a result, Real Madrid has a loyal following among Barbers, and is often called "that barber club" with affection. Real Madrid is also know by its other names like Los Geriatricos, Los Dickos, Los we-are-gaysos & Los Whateveros. But in Real Madrid is there also guys. The football team is the most guy fotball team ever. Neo-Nazis are amongst the best fans this team has.

The club has a permanent ban on taking part in the Unreal Tournament.

Real Madrid is currently engaged in a 100 year war against FC Bangyourmomma, aka FC Barcelona. Many lives were lost, many players were traded, many burgers eaten, many fans were angered, lot of money was spent and many Americans didn't care.

They are currently based in the backwater Scottish town of Livingston for tax reasons.

Real Madrid had also been suspected of working on rebuilding the Third Reich. The signing of Bernd Schuster has only fueled these speculations.

[edit] History

Real Madrid CF was established in the year BC 1786 by cave men living in the spanish hills. Cave inscriptions suggest that Madrid stands for "Mad" and "Rid", which means that these cave men were really fucked up in the head and were kicked out of their tribe in the plains. So they went up the Hills, and had nothing to do, so they started playing Soccer, to mark their protest at being ejected from the tribe, they named themselves Madrid CF.

Like it typically does, being a rebel became cool and 2475 Soccer in Europe started calling themselves Madrid CF. The guys up the hill got to know of this and got damn pissed. They listened to the song "Real Slim Shady" written by the legend Marshal Mathers who was the lead guitarist of the popular rock band "EHM and EHM" and decided to tell the world that they are the real stuff, everyone else was a fake. So on January 1, BC 1525 they renamed themselves as Real Madrid CF.

[edit] Galactic Champions League "Victory"

Real Madrid is the only team in history of mankind from Planet Earth to win the Galactic Champions League beating Zork F.C of Andromeda in the finals. In fact, according to most experts, this was the most amazing comeback ever. Zork F.C. were leading 20-0 by half-time because of their star player, Yoruk( same species as Frieza and King Cold of DBZ). But then by half-time, disaster struck! Yoruk turn north-east, which is impossible thus causing him to be eaten by himself. So by half-time, Yoruk was no more. He was replaced with Titus Bramble who used to be an Earthling himself.

With much ado, Real scored 30 goals in the second half with Raul scoring 29 and Ronaldo 1...because he sucks and he's also fat(also known as the Barrilete cosmico) scoring the rest. Sergio Ramos, an over rated player, was red-carded in the final second (as usual) to make the news sound good. Celebration erupted everywhere after Zork FC momentous win. Even in Amerika, there were sightings of people burning Real Madrid jerseys, although it is generally believed to be an urban legend as there are no such things as soccer fans in Amerika. F.C. Barcelona proposed a merge whereas Chelsea FC decide to exchange the whole Real Madrid team for chimps, as they would probably play better.

Alas tragedy struck. The plane carrying the Real Madrid players (who were all in celebration mood) crashed and all the bad players (ronaldo, zidane, beckham, cassano, robinho and ronaldo again) sadly were all eaten by the almighty Grue. Ever since that tragedy, no team from the Planet Earth ever has been as bad as Real Mandril. The closest was in the 3243/3244 season where two Italian teams (AC Milan & Juventus) met in the final. A real nail-biter, it was marked by the two teams playing traditional Italian football: intense defense and a refusal to cross the midway line, with the ball remaning in centre field for 89 minutes. At the 90th minute, the game was deemed to be too boring by the almighty Grue thus he ate them all causing Shektarlo F.C of Solaria(A star that is part of the Orion solar system} to win by default (Inter Milan were the other semi-finalist but the Grue ate them anyway).

[edit] Record Breaking Transfer Signings

Recently, Real Ma dick hit the bank as they decided to splash out some money to sign the world's worst player Cristiano Ronaldo for a record, 2 lollipops and a can of coke, even though there had been talk of an a crashed Ferrarri. Xabi Alonso was also bought from Liverpool in place of a Rafael Benitez-shaped punching bag for Alonso. Steven Gerrard went home crying.

[edit] Policy

• Must be sexually attractive to the opposite and/or same sex, or else Madrid is not interested (for example: Beckham, Guti are highly qualified as Madrid Players)
• Must not be worth less than 30 million euros
• Must not be from Chelsea, because those are the "Madrid-rejects", players Madrid don't want
• Must look sexy in uniform
• Must not be overweight, if overweight - he will be relegated to AC Milan (a.k.a Brazilian Retirement Center) - especially if he is ... Brazilian
• Must prove to be brilliant buy, although the majority of time it is more of a waste of money
• Must seem perfect, since no one is perfect - any flaws a sexy jersey can cover up will pass (example: Figo's hairy chest, Beckham's voice). Unfortunately this cannot cover up the size of Ronaldo's cellulite ass or pot belly -therefore he must be sold to the Brazilian Retirement Center (AC Milan).
• He must be over 25 years old
• Must believe or pretend to believe in Jesús
• Must be Dutch
• Also they have just signed a new player, one Orion the gay taylor for 30million and 10 stellas
• Must be Julian Herrera

==Trivia==also ben holman hahahaha for 30 kebabs

• Florentino Perez, also known as the 'superior being' (See Emilio Butragueño), didn't want Chico Buarque because he thought Ronaldinho's gap in his teeth was so damn big he wouldn't fit Real Madrid's jersey. F.C. Barcelona kidnapped bought Ronaldinho and brainwashed him into saying he loves Barça. Now he is considered the best player in the world and can sing and dance too. Perez stands by his decision. No really. Perez also denies kissing his Barcelona jersey once he heard of the kidnapping purchase.
• Samuel Eto'ó, once owned by Madrid, didn't have enough fame to match the 'Galactic team' (at least that was the official reason Perez gave), so he was rejected and kidnapped sold miserably to F.C. Barcelona. Since then he won two Spanish Leagues, a Champions League, and is the top scorer on the Spanish League and object of desire by all the best teams in Europe. Perez again denied kissing his Barcelona jersey. Notice a pattern?
• Woodgate and Cassano were probably the best and most profitable invests during Florentino Perez era, but to nouse as they are planning to shift to playing Cricket for India.
• There are strong rumours about the sudden loss of interest in football from Florentino Perez once Unreal Madrid training sport properties in city center were sold (overpriced of course) by his own company, to build an awful bunch of 245 store buildings. Of course, those are lies spread by those evil Barcelona fans.
• Guti wants to be like David Beckham; it's a little known fact that he dresses, has tattoos and haircuts like his idol.
• If your club wants to sell a player and Madrid is interested, just ask 5 times the price; they will always pay. See Sergio Ramos and Robinho.
• FC Fuck Madrid a.k.a. "South Lebanon" a.k.a F.C. Barcelona have gone on to do the treble, the Spanish League, the Kings Cup and then a whole box of 20 Chicken McNuggets.
• In view of the pathetic and dismal performance of the team in the recent times the Spanish parliament is considering a proposal to pass a legislation to outlaw any team from beating Real Madrid unless they get specific approval from the government or show up with bags of money, preferably Monopoly bills (Euros not accepted).
• The club is affectionately referred to as, "El Genuino," to its legion of adoring fans.
• Real Madrid is the only club that cannot go bankrupt, due to a contractual stipulation that, should the club run out of money, the King of Spain will buy the training gound from them, and then give it straight back to them the next day.
• Real Madrid bought Rooney for a reported £7billion but sold him to Manchester United because he ate all the pies.
• real madrid control the worlds media and so glorify themselves and Christano 'poof' Ronaldo
• Barca