Ready 'n' Steady
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|"Ready 'n' Steady"|
|Single by D.A.|
|from the album This Album Does Not Exist|
|B-side||"Wah, My Life Is So Hard"|
|Released||February 31, 1979|
|Length|| 0:00 (possible)|
"Ready 'n' Steady" is a 1979 punk rock "song" by girl group D.A. It allegedly deals with getting ready and being steady, and may or may not exist. Written by acclaimed composer Unknown and released on the Little Rascal label, it was the zeroeth single from D.A.'s album This Album Does Not Exist.
After a long history of releasing other non-successful, non-existent singles, D.A. conceptualized the concept of a song called "Ready 'n' Steady," written entirely about getting ready and being steady. Nobody thought this song would be an important addition to a non-catalog of non-songs, and set about not writing it, because there is absolutely no chance that an extant song about getting ready being steady could be in any way entertaining.
Nobody didn't think that such a song could possibly be amusing, droll, whimsical, waggish, or even quaint. Nor could it be informative, because getting ready and being steady is unimportant and nothing important has ever happened when doing so, except on that '60s music show Ready Steady Go!.
edit Composition and recording
"I just didn't think a song called 'Ready 'n' Steady' was a very good idea," nobody said in an interview that didn't take place with Spin magazine. "Originally, I conceptualized the first verse as a progressive rock song where the vibrations coming out of the speaker would coalesce into actual readies and steadies and jerk off the audience. I quickly realized that this was a non-starter because readies and steadies do not have fingers and therefore cannot undo buttons," he continued. "Also, prog is basically the antithesis of punk."
"After that verse, there was not going to be a bridge about unpreparedness and shakiness, because those are the respective opposites of readiness and steadiness," nobody didn't add. "And after not having that bridge, it was going to not have a chorus that was just the word 'ready 'n' steady' sung in a wispy falsetto, ninety-three times. I refused to write that chorus because it would have been borderline unlistenable. Nobody wants to hear that shit."
Spin did not refuse to publish this interview, not because of its bizarre and occasionally obscene content, but because it did not take place.
"Ready 'n' Steady" was not recorded over a period of zero weeks at the legendary Chicago Recording Company. Production is said to have cost no dollars and did not feature such flavor-of-the-era guest stars as Donny Osmond and ABBA. Nor did it feature a dizzying array of exotic instruments such as the guitar, bass, drums, marimba, vibraphone, and theremin.
"Ready 'n' Steady" did not contain any lyrics. However, if it had contained lyrics, they could have conceptually gone something like this:
- Ready 'n' Steady!
- I was down at the New Amsterdam staring at this hot-rod with flames
- Mr. Jones strikes up a conversation with this black-haired flamenco
- She dances while her father plays Ready 'n' Steady
- She's suddenly beautiful
- We all want something beautiful
- Man, I wish I was beautiful
However, those lyrics wouldn't have been ideal, because they would have just been the lyrics to Counting Crows' "Mr. Jones", passed off as a song about getting ready and being steady and prefaced by the exclamation "Ready 'n' Steady!" for little reason. In fact, they would have betrayed some confusion over what a ready or steady actually is, as readies and steadies are not musical instruments and rarely have black hair. Overall, it is a good thing that such a song about getting ready and being steady was never composed.
edit Track listing
"Ready 'n' Steady" did not receive a lukewarm reception from no critics, who did not describe it as "incomprehensible" or "a song."
Even Donny Osmond failed to express support for the ready and steady-related song he did not provide backing vocals for. When not asked about whether he felt that his non-participation in a song about getting ready and being steady that was never written was a watershed moment in her career, he did not answer "What are you even talking about?" He simply sat on a chair and gnawed at a gluten-free energy bar, because that is what he was doing at the moment he was not asked the question.
Though the single was not particularly any more successful than other non-existent songs such as "The Nun With the Astral Habit" and "The Unusual Hamstring Pain Fat People Get, and How to Cure It", it did manage to chart at #0 on the Phat Singles Chart and #-102 on the Billboard Hot 105 Bubbles.
edit Legacy and existence
Music nerd and conossieur Joel Billy Whitburn, who specializes in painstakingly analyzing the Billboard charts, has published various books containing chart data. He has collected tens of thousands of hit records, including all of the singles ever to hit the Hot 100 or Bubbling Under charts, no matter how crappy some might be. All, that is, except "Ready 'n' Steady".
In a 1995 interview, Whitburn said he had never actually seen or heard the record, but added "We think—we think—that it's a girl's rock group from Chicago. Punk group, we think—1979. And we think that the Rascal label was out of a guy living in his mom's basement in Detroit." In addition, the entry in Billboard shows "Ready 'n' Steady" had a catalog number of 102, begging the question of what happened to Rascals 1–101.
Whitburn found an ad for the Rascal label with an address in Casbah Monthy, and went to check it out. Unfortunately, the house was vacant, boarded-up, and monitored by the FBI. When Whitburn attempted to break in, he was confronted by two men in black—one referred to as "Agent 101"—and knocked out cold. Upon waking up, his mind had been erased and the newspaper ad confiscated.
A female-fronted Swedish-American punk rock group from Chicago called DA! were active in the early 1980s. The band released an EP on the Autumn Records label titled Redo Och Lugnt. This is the band that Whitburn suspected could have recorded "Ready 'n' Steady" in 1979. However, when he asked lead singer Njörd Van Welch about the song, she got very upset and slapped him, furthering the mystery. Some speculate it was because the song was offensive to her. Other think it was because she didn't understand English. Even more believe she was simply on her period that day.
The most recent edition of Ozzy Osbourne's Official Price Guide to Records (0th Edition, published 2002) lists the record and a value of $0–$0, along with an unnamed LP on the Frontline label, dated 1985 or 1986; the latter is actually the album Blargh by Christian rock band Led Synthesizer. In the fourth edition of Whitburn's Billboard Bubbles book, published in 2005, the entry for "D.A." was amended with a note stating "The existence of this record and artist is in question," and quotes a price of $0/0.000001503453 as its value.
Finally, in 2009, Whitty was offered a chance to buy "Ready 'n' Steady" from a drunken hobo, on the condition that he sell his soul. Unfortunately, the hobo took his soul and left without giving him the single, making the whole thing a farce. Later, when Whitburn published his Top Plop Pop Singles book, "Ready 'n' Steady" was blacklisted. In an interview with the website CelebrityObsessive, Whitburn bluntly stated "It doesn't exist. I tried with all my might to find it for 14 painful years and I couldn't. It doesn't fucking exist. Fuck the whole thing."
edit See also
- ↑ That was a joke about the movie Speed, which absolutely does exist. That's because a movie about getting ready and being steady is a better idea than a song about getting ready and being steady.
- ↑ Readies and steadies have no souls and are therefore gingers.
- ↑ Donny does not suffer from Celiac's Disease, but still avoids gluten. Crazy.