Reading FC
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“Can't watch, Reading”
~ Typical Reading fan, full of enthusiasm
Reading FC is an English poetry reading club, located in a library and formed in 1871. They used to play in the FA Premier League against really good teams, such as Manchester United States, Abramograd, 'Where the fuck's my stereo gone?' and Arse-anal and also teams such as the Spearmint Rhino works team Hottenham Totspurs.
Reading FC have laboured for many years in the lower divisions, often languishing mid-table in whichever league they happen to have been in at the time, until recently during the 2005/06 season. During this bizarre time they actually won the Coca-Cola Championship (with record points) and were promoted to the FA Premier League. It is still unclear how they managed this, quite frankly - but they did, none the less, only to be relegated back shortly after the FA realised they made a mistake, and employed Fulham F.C. to give them the old one-two.
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[edit] The club that is on fire
And by on fire, we don't mean form, we mean that the Reading team is full of ginger hot heads; every year the tinge of red on their away strip becomes slightly more ginger and QPR copy their kit every year.
[edit] Facilities
Reading used to play in a luxurious mega-stadium, named Elm Park, for many years, until their saviour came and sorted them out. Elm Park is now a housing estate. It was first used residentially in about 4000BC, when a neolithic caveman was frozen during a typical Tilehurst storm. In 1982 the club dug up the pitch, looking for some of the fans that had abandoned them when the going got tough. They dug up the caveman, who now takes pride of place in the entrance to the club's Megastore, a place where you can buy Reading FC things. (Normally known as a cabin and a place you can buy cheap tacky golf equipment for extortionate prices)
John "Mad John McMad" Madejski was born in Stoke-on-Trent, but was banished as soon as locals realised his life didn't revolve around chatting up slags, drinking weak lager and smoking illegal substances. He moved to Reading and made fuck loads of money setting up AutoTrader magazine (a car sales thing), which he then sold for millions of pounds and then chipped off to Malaysia (or somewhere equally remote) for a year and a day - in order not to pay the money-grabbing British Government any of his hard earned cash in TAX. Nice one!!
Then he came back (still minted) and bought Reading FC. (idiot, he bought RFC years before this) He then proceeded to build the team a bad-ass stadium worthy of great football - shame really, cos at the time Reading FC were still pretty crap, and had no fans to fill the stadium.
The Rugger buggers of London Oirish share the ground, and they like to kick the pitch up a bit with scrums, rucks (rucking at Football has since been made illegal), and whatever else they see fit to entertain the 10 men (9 gay men looking for dates with Welsh accents, and the Slough village idiot) and a dog that turn up to watch them. Still, they pay the club in gold sovereigns they found at the end of a rainbow, so everybody's happy really.
When Reading FC got a bit good, lots of people who supported Manchester United, Arsenal and Chelski decided to buy Half Season tickets, so they could buy a real season ticket for the next season, when such clubs would be visiting. These people have to pretend to be Reading supporters so that they don't get found out. They wear replica shirts, sing songs about Reading FC, cheer Reading FC goals and talk a bit like a farmer. A strange morphing from Glory Supporting Premiership fan to Reading FC fan has emerged where these fans are actually ditching their 'real' Premiership club and supporting Reading FC for real... Not just pretending...
Or is it, I really can't tell...
This has been analysed by psychiatry bods at Slough College of Basketweaving as a case of Stockholm Syndrome.
[edit] The Team
Reading FC have a full array of world class players, who for some reason never get picked to play for their country (wait! some of them do!!)
- Marcus "Hahninho" Hahnemann - Yank goalkeeper. Bald, and fairly consistent. Always throws his shirt into the crowd at the end of a game (lose or win).
- Steve "Sidwinho" Sidwell -
Ginger Midfielder. One of the "Ginger Ninjas" (Reading FC have 3). Sidwell originally came from Arsenal. He wishes he'd stayed. Sidders runs about, looking moody and shooting from impossible angles and distances (he hardly ever scores).
Edit: Greedy, unloyal money-grabbing bastard. Mediocre player content to sit on the Chelsea bench for the next 5 years. I'm glad he left personally, never liked him anyway.
- Brynjar "Gunninho" Gunnarsson - Icelandic International, Defender. The size of a small house. Looks like Boris Becker. Is Boris Becker's Long lost Twin. May even be Boris Becker. We just don't know...
- Glen "Blakey From 'On The Buses'" Little - Unattractive Midfielder who can nutmeg with the best of them, but lacks stamina to play a full game. Often seen limping or gasping fro breath around 75 minutes. Looks like Blakey from 'On the Buses'
- Leroy "Lightweight" Lita - Short-ass Striker. Runs like a leopard on speed. Bit of a gangster. Wears yellow boots to put off the opposition and to give the Reading players a target for balls. Likes Fighting in Nightclubs in Bristol. Can't score to save his life.
- Kevin "Missus" Doyle - Irish International, Striker. Another of the "Ginger Ninjas". Legs like tree trunks. Was found crying at Cork FC, and Reading saw the potential. Speaks like a leprechaun. Mistakenly thought he was coming to play for London Irish.
- Stephen "Shitbag" Hunt - Convict. Stephen Hunt has been removed from this seasons squad whilst he serves a 5 year prison sentence for Attempted Murder. Owns the patent on steel-plated knee pads. Most significant contribution to football: trying them out on the Lokomotiv Abramograd goalkeeper.
- John "Ostinho" Oster - Midfielder. Once seen browsing the crappy food section in the Shell garage down the road from the ground (Mad Stad) by author (me). Not convinced his training diet includes dodgy pre-packed sandwiches.... Announced at Chelsea as "John Oyster"
- Dave "Poor Man's Paul Scholes" Kitson - Mardy Striker. The final "Ginger Ninja". Kitson moans a lot. Needs to sit in the naughty chair more, I reckon. Injured since August, after stubbing toe on crossbar while attempting an overhead kick.
- John "Balls" Halls - Defender. He never plays when I'm at a game. Existence is questionable. Possibly left the country after being sent off for Arsenal precisely 0.7 seconds into his debut.
- James "Parper" Harper - Midfielder. Harper has legs like a cartoon character and runs as such (twenty paces - moves 10 cm). Hectic (possible related to Lita's leopard on speed).
- Graeme "Flirty" Murty - Defender, Scottish. Murty has no neck, and was once named the best right back in the division (coca-cola championship) by some blind commentator.
- Nicky "Whorey" Shorey - Short-ass defender that is capable of excellent free kicks (every second monday of a month when the moon is full on the 13th and the age of Cancer is dawning agaist Leo, and the wind is north-westerly at 7mph).
- Ibrahima "Honko-Honko" Sonko - Defender. Commonly chanted as "Superman". Sonko is deft in the air with his head, but under no circumstances should he be allowed to kick the ball.
- Neil "Warlock" Warnock - Attacker. Spends more time watching Reading from the stands than most Reading fans. Grossly overweight but still does a job.
- Ivar "Inginho" Ingimarsson - Icelandic Defender. More famous for his break-dancing skills. Ivar can do the splits, spin on his hand and back-flip all over the box. Also jumps like a salmon going upstream when trying to head the ball from corners.
- Bobby "Doo-Wap" Convey - Yank Midfielder. Dodgy haircut. Can be very very good, or very very crap. never anywhere inbetween.
- Sam "Nickname TBC" Sodje - Defender. Can't dance as well as Ivar, and kicks better than Sonko. Good at Getting sent off. Name means bugger off in Scots.
- Seol "Kihyinho" Ki-Hyeon -
Midfielder. Hectic. Goes to the same hairdresser as Convey.
Edit: Lazy, eats a lot of dog, but suddenly looks good for Fugham
- Andre "Pikey" Bikey - Defender. Good at Getting sent off. Pronounced in various ways, such as Beekey, Bike-E, Bee-Kay. Most prefer Bikey, because it rhymes with Pikey. Which is mildly amusing.
- Micheal "The Dentist" Essien Although not strictly a Reading player, has scored more goals for Reading this season than Murty, Sodje, Convey and Little put together.
- Jay "Unpronounceable" Haszczyn Although not strictly a Reading Player again, he is just the sexiest Reading fan in the world, plus he plays for St Harmon. Mother Fucker.
- Lee "The Book" CookA great player for the hoops so many asists last year o i fort they wer qpr but they just copys and steal from them FUCK YOU LOOKIN AT...(Reading wore blue and white hoops before QPR so jog on)
[edit] The Manager
Steve Coppell - never smiles or gets excited (except when Reading beat West Ham 60-0 on New Years Day).
It is believed that Steve threatens the team with the Hamlet monologue if they don't win....poor sods. However, he also threatened them with said monologue if they got into Europe, so what's a Royal to do, eh? He also has a love for banana cake along with fishing
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