Ray Liotta

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ARG

"HEY! Get your own bag!"

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Ray Liotta.
“I'm not crazy, but if you say that again I'll cut you.”
~ Ray Liotta

Ray Liotta was/is/will be a cybernetic android created by several large corporations in the year 2484 by accident when several McHappy Meals fell into the Sub-Atomic Neurowhatsit Synthesizer.

Career

Soon after his creation, he was sent back to the 20th Century. He quickly decided that he needed to find himself in the most evil industry known to mankind - so he moved to Hollywood. While Ray possessed stunningly good looks, as an android he is not a very talented actor, and found him self typecast as a "generic crazy psycho," which wasn't very far from the truth. Liotta became famous for actually dying in all of his movies (even when the script didn't call for it), and being replaced by an identical android from the future, who would copy his memories. This was not always successful; after Operation Dumbo Drop, nobody bothered to tell the new Ray about that piece of shit movie, or the pile of elephant shit that the old android Ray was left in after being humorously trampled by elephants. He still doesn't remember a damn thing about the movie.

Objectives

In his autobiography, My Life as a Parahumanoid Cybernetic Creature, Ray Liotta explains that his base programming contains three objectives:

  • To add up all numbers from one to infinity,
  • To star in the movie GoodFellas, and
  • To obliterate all persons named Sarah Connor, and while he's at it, figure out why he's in the wrong film anyway.

He has, as of 2006, only completed one of these objectives, but is believed to be making good progress on the other two.

It is highly likely that Ray Liotta is/will be/was/could be the catalyst for the world's first temporal paradox; destroying all matter in the known Universe.

Poppycock

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