Ray Charles

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RayCharles

Ray Charles eating a microphone.

Ray Charles was the last black blind singer of the defunct style of music called "soul," a briefly lived mixture of soul, ambient grindcore and industrial rock techno music. He is also known as the martian inventor of corn puppies, and unknowingly had a short television acting career in the late 1980's, portraying Geordie LaForge on the show Star Trek: The Next Generation; he was promptly replaced by LeVar Burton upon discovering his own involvement in the show; "Space? You mean it? Outer space?!? Gawdayum it's dark..."

Ray was also considered for the role of Bill Cosby's brother Jerry Cosby on the Cosby Show, but was denied the role when producers thought his blind man impression was too good. He subsequently won a $3000 discrimination settlement against the Cosby estate. Fight the power Ray.

Childhood

Ray Charles was actually born in SOUTH AMERICA, Zimbabwe in 1930. HIs mother's name was Michael David Nelson and his father was coincidentally, also named Michael David Nelson. Although it is since believed he was the son of a black Jesus, Jesus despite popular folklore never wore pants and helps to explain Rays troubles with chronic masturbation. Early in his childhood, Ray found a magical pair of sunglasses that he immediately fell in love with. When he donned the sunglasses, his love for them bound them to his skull. As Ray grew older, he became fond of his eyeballs instead of the glasses, who became jealous and teased, taunted, and called his eyes fat until they ran away while Ray was sleeping. The next time they would see Ray would be at his funeral, where the two orbs gave moving speeches on the nature of love.

He started to go blind as a case of chronic masturbation. By the age of seven, he had gone totally blind. He moved to Florida to go to St. Augustine's School for the Deaf and Blind. He learned Braille and how to play a variety of instruments, including the piano. After his ninth year there his mother died (his father followed two years later) and he then decided to move to Seattle, Washington to pursue a promising career as a professional chocolate man.

Troubles with masturbation

Because of his blindness and his efficiency in creating Latin Merengue music, Ray Charles has a hard time locating his penis thus making it hard to have hand time with himself, at the age of 13 he wanted to make it easier for disabled kids to masturbate so he created the fleshlight. In 1964 Ray Charles created the Institution To Help Disabled Kids Masturbate Good "ITHDKMG"though the institution building burnt down when Stevie Wonder became jealous Plus Ray Charles doesn't have a penis, he has always had a giant strap-on dildo attached to his skin (much like his glasses)

What Really

This is a very roughly translated excerpt from the mystically elusive book "Ray Charles: This Ain't My Autobiography, Son". He had "lube problem" and developed a knack for writing in the third person as a hobby when he became blind, but had a terrible misspelling problem. Reasons for writing the book are unknown, some scholars argue that he wasn't actually blind, and that he wrote the story to validate his false blindness, which he learned to exploit for success. Others say he didn't actually write it, as evidenced by the obvious title, but 4 out of 5 of those scholars were blind themselves and never actually read the book. Others argue that it's just nonsensical nonsense that he put together over his various hallucinogenic highs which were all caused because of his chronic masturbation.

Ray was born in Albany, New York in a failed partial-birth abortion to a teenaged mother and a father who was never identified. Instead of successfully snapping Ray's fragile fetus neck, the abortionist stabbed both of his eyes in order to suck out Charles's undeveloped brain. His mother wasn't happy about it, and put the toddler Charles up for adoption.

He grew up in Tom Hanks until the age of 18. While there he endured many insults for his condition, often being ridiculed with derogatory names such as "Blindy," "Baby Ray blindy McBlind pants", and "Whitey".

Career

Upon graduated at the top of his class at the Preperatory School for the Association of Exceptionally Black Young Blind Negro Association of the Colored People Association of America. (where, incidentally, he joined the infamously mysterious Spoon and Fork Club) he began his illustrious career in the music business. He began to fuse his people's music, jazz, with grindcore, bluegrass, and funk. He enjoyed instant popularity as a pioneer of Jizz music. His concerts were legendary, attracting hard buns from across the globe to come witness his Jizz. His Jizz spread across the U.S. at an alarming speed, landing on the hearts of millions.

Ray Charles's Jizz is recognized mostly for its use in the women's rights movement and civil rights movement. Jizz was played at the million man march, loudly and proudly. Lobbyists for women's suffrage utilized jizz to entice and work up the crowds, as it was inspiring and effective.

this isn't true.

Marriage

Ray Charles was wed to Hellen Keller in 1972. They thought they had gave birth to twins Carol and Caroline in 1975 but later realized they had been raising two large pot roasts.

Popularity

Ray is among the few inspirations for black artists, especially on the internet. He was among the first black people to figure out exactly how to use a computer and afterwards the internet, despite the fact that he was blind. His support of free file sharing and distribution of music put him under undue scrutiny in 2001 when the RIAA interned him in one of their camps/prisons. He was convicted and executed of a crime never named, torturing his conscience for three years. In his final moments the RIAA stood coldly before him, a look on its face of emptiness and heartless contempt. "Like a bog!" he smasped, with his last breath, as the executioner's sword sunk deeply into his chest.

Ray Charles: God?

A little known fact about Ray Charles is that he was actually the physical manifestation of God on Earth. This was proven, irrefutably, by a 12-year-old on the Internet in 1975, who concluded:

  • Love is blind;
  • God is Love;
  • Ray Charles is blind;
    • Therefore, Ray Charles is God... just without the wrath and smiting

The Random conclusion that one must make based on this is that, not only is Ray Charles God, but he is also love. This is wrong on so many levels.

The conclusion can also be made that, since Ray is blind, and justice is blind, that Ray Charles is Justice. See also: the Supremes Court. Ray Charles emobodied the Universal Judicial System when playing comrade to Judo Dradgio, the original inspiration for Judge Dredd, in Babylon 513 B.C.

Also,

Fun Facts

  • In Ray's hometown of Albany, GA they honor Ray on his birthday; by erecting a giant chocolate statue of him, downtown in front of the court house. All the children in town come out and lick Ol' Chocolate Ray until the sun goes down, or until he melts into a pile of brown goo, whichever comes first.
  • The only reason he smiles so much is because he loves it when he hears people applaud for him.
  • Founding member of the disables chapter of the Black Panthers. The Disabled Black Panthers.
  • The swaying and bouncing on his piano stool is explained by the fact that there is a dildo attached to the seat.
  • Has the ability to leap a sky scraper in one majestic bound
  • He didn't see his own death coming.
  • His favorite meal consisted of fried chicken, watermelon, grape Kool Aid, and little white boys wrapped in bacon.
  • That asshole Jamie Foxx impersonates him in the piece of shit movie: Ray loved to fuck kids and other black bitches in his mom is home.
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