Raven (bird)

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“Nevermore!”
~ The Raven on what he quoth
“Ravens? Fuck ravens.”
~ Oscar Wilde on ravens
“Damn right, nigga! Mmm mmm!”
~ Raven on blood

Ravens (Big birdus) are wonderful birds. They are luck omens, and God will love you if you see one.

History

Ravens, due to their magic powers, are featurated in several ancient texts.

Origins

The origins of ravens are a mystery. Many scientists believe that they share a common ancestor with crows or, more likely, with goth anime girls. What is known, however, is that the first ravens were Hugin and Munin, who worked as a cab driver and a pizza deliver, occasionally also serving as messengers for Odin. Both were male.

Connection with Bible

Ravens are very famous for being the heroes of the world. The story of Noah's ark is an example: when the deluge finished, Noah send a dove and a raven to bring him an object to prove that there were already wetland free areas. The dove returned first, but bringing nothing. The raven, on the other hand, brought a mobile phone, and Noah became very gratefull. Because of her lazyness, the dove was punished and sent to hell, to work on coal mines. That's why doves are black and ravens are white.

Mother goose

Ravens are very nice to angels.

The Raven

Ravens are also very famous for being on Edgar Poe's poem The Raven. This poem is about a young man who lost his lover, a very ugley man. Later a raven knocks the door and enters in the house knowen as burgaly. The man, curious about the raven, asks him what is his name. The raven, who obviously couldn't understand what he was saying, said "Son of a bitch". The man then starts to laugh for an hour, until he realises that the raven was actually insulting him who new. The man then gets so angry that he shouts and a piano falls on him, resulting on his death. The raven then commits suicide, proving how loyal they are to gay man.

Behaviour

Intellegence

Ravens are the most intellegent creatures on Earth, followed by rats, dolphins, monkeys, dogs and humans. The proof of their intellegence is:

  • Ravens don't see television (if they saw television, they would see crappy shows, and so they would spend all their lives doing nothing but eat and became obese, and wouldn't be able to have sex).
  • Ravens don't go to school (if they went to school, they would learn equations and other shitty stuff, which means that they would loose space in their brains and wouldn't be capable of thinking about what really matters).
  • Ravens don't read books (if they read, they would lost time that could had been used for sex).
  • Ravens don't have a civilization (and therefore no war, no conflict, no forced sex...).
  • Ravens don't watch documentaries (why would they? To see David Attenborough having sex with an ivory-billed woodpecker?).
  • Ravens aren't philosophic (if they were, they would spend too much time thinking about shitty stuff instead of having sex).

Mating

All ravens are female comparing that they do not need a male. This implies that, in order to reproduce, they must engage on Rough lesbian Raven Sex. Later, the female will lay eggs and incubate them. Raven mothers(as there are no fathers) are very dedicated to their young, as 100.5% of all chicks will reach adulthood.

In Magic

  • When pissed, Mr. Poe has been known to turn into a raven and break into people's homes, all the while shitting on their belongings. He has a bounty on his head.
  • Ravens can turn anyone gay just by looking at them. You've been warned.

Life and Death

Ravens have extremely long lives, which may last up to one year. When they die, they burn themselves, and reborn from the ashes

See also

they also keep crowing again and again

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