Ratsak

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Ratsak is a potent rodenticide used frequently in residential and commercial structures. Due to its potentially hazardous (to humans and other animals) nature, some consider it inhumane, and it is generally used only when trapping and dubstep have proven insufficiently effective.

edit Early development

In 1925, Warsaw sweet shop proprietor Władysław Ratszak conducted a series of experiments designed to increase the addictiveness of sweets and increase his profits. Due to the unsanitary conditions of Ratszak's laboratory, his new concoctions had the unintended consequence of killing many children. This was not initially recognised due to it being coincidental to large-scale potato contamination within the region, and the tendency of Polish parents of the era to blame the deaths on the childrens' gluttony.

edit Discovery of Ratsak's true potential

When the Warsaw rat plague of 1928 left all of Warsaw's sweet shops, except for Ratszak's, in ruin, his rival proprietors, being haters, immediately jumped to the conclusion that Ratszak had been selling children poison for the past 3 years. Ratszak vehemently denied the allegation and counter-alleged anti-semitism; this was summarily disproven as Ratszak was a noted and devout Catholic, and because Warsaw Polyteknika's School of Pest Control and Manufacturing Equipment Maintenance conducted a series of experiments that proved Ratszak's product to be a rodenticide.

edit Fame, money, hoez

Anglicising the name slightly, Ratszak took the rather narcissistic approach of naming the product after himself, and marketing it worldwide. In a move of utter fucking genius, Ratszak sold large portions to crews of cargo ships, who would use it to protect the other cargo, as well as to sell once reaching port. Ratszak parlayed his fortune into large property investments in eastern Poland, until OH SHIT NAZIS.

edit Recovery

Ratszak fled Poland for New Poland, Illinois, via New York City. In his brief stay on Ellis Island, he realised that New York City's rat problem was far worse than that of Poland, and that a huge market existed for his product. Ratszak enlisted the help of recently-retired bootleggers, which had the multiple benefits of distributing his product nationwide, eliminating the (admittedly pathetic) competition with standover tactics, giving the ex-bootleggers something to entertain themselves with besides kicking Polaks such as himself, and witty old-time gangster talk like "Hey guy, we don't need no rats like you in the rat poison business, see?"

edit Worldwide distribution, Fame, money hoez 2: Electric Boogaloo

American soldiers and Polish immigrants alike introduced Ratsak to the rest of the world, and by the 1960s, Ratszak was rich again, with significant shares in Chicago logistics companies. He retired to Miami in 1978 and died of a heart attack in 1985.

edit Ratsak today

The tendency of Ratsak to kill rodents in difficult to access wall and roof spaces which then stink like pure fucking evil has made it fall from favour for today's more biologically aware rodenticidal maniac; poisons that dry rodents out and make them implode like destroyed towers are now considered state of the art. Ratsak, however, remains the sentimental favourite for the musophobe and jilted lover alike.

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