Ratatouille
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“A wonderful article on my sad, pathetic life.”
Ratatouille (pronounced ra-ta-tu-ta-ta-tu-ll-ee-ra-ta-ta-ta-ta-tu-ee or: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ?) is a Pixar Animation Film of desperate rats who can't cook. It earned the awards of Dullest Pr0n, Best Neo-Nazi Propaganda, Worst Bat Fuck Insane, Best Shit and Best Anti-Semetic Brutality.
[edit] Origins
Ratatouille is a movie about a paranoid rat named Remy who thinks the world is out to get him. The poor bastard also thinks he is a great chef, which is obviously not true; he once killed a fraction of the rat colony with the stench of his "Specialty Stew". The remainder of the colony is believed to have been the cause of the Black Death. Due to his father's influence, Django (AKA: ol' fat nose), he was not burned to the stake, hanged, or deprived of his vital organs because of this incident. Instead, he was banned from talking to the others or entering the rat colony. Being banished, he became more and more attracted to being "a great chef" as he put it.
One day, while collecting his fair share of food, or "garbage" as he called it (in his prissy sounding voice), he smelled rat poison put out by the owner of the house, a 75 year old retired prostitute, and he immediately became a hero among the rats. He was placed with the status "Supreme Douchebag Overlord Food Sniffer", and was entitled to sniff any and all foods to make sure they weren't laced with hormones or some crazy shit. Although honored among rats and prided by his father, he wasn't satisfied with his life and set out with his fatass brother, Emile, to become a great chef.
He was almost killed in a suicide mission to electrocute a mushroom on top of the old prostitute's crib. Afterwards, Remy entered the old lady's house only to find out she was also a crack addict, and proceeded to search for some drugs that she hadn't already snorted up for his "Electric Mushroom Surprise". During this, Remy found out that Gusteau, a renowned fast food chef and his childhood hero/inspiration, died from "a broken heart". This put Remy in a slum of despair, and he probably would've killed himself if not for the old lady/prostitute with the shotgun doing the job for him. (AKA: Dick Cheney's mom).
Remy and Emile escaped to the rat colony above the house, only for the old lady to discover the rat colony and the rats' large stockpile of pot. As the old lady proceeded to snort up the hard-earned pot, the rats quickly fled the house with Django claiming that the resale price had fallen because of the infestation of grues or some bullshit like that. {Some say that the rats lived alongside Grues and that explaines why rats are useless half assed good for nothings!} Remy escapes, but he is alone and afraid, and falls down a waterfall. He then has delusions of the now deceased Gusteau (He admittedly had some of the mushroom), telling him to come to his restaurant, Fat Albert Fast Food, and start his half-assed quest just for the hell of it. Remy soon meets some random loser who is named after spaghetti who has a crush on the short-order cook, Collette, and uses him for world domination using bad food.
[edit] Characters
- Remy: A worthless fuck of a rat who does nothing but whine about the fact he has to eat garbage. He eventually meets a retard who he uses as a puppet and sex toy. In terms of sexual lifestyle, he is an "omnivore": he "eats" any animal, vegetable or mineral. Producers agreed on the fact Remy's lack of visible sex organ (meaning he has probably been emasculated in his youth ) could explain his wussiness.
Remy apears to have the tendancy to serve himself as a meal because of deppession but thats where Gusteau always stops him.
- Alfredo Linguini: A French retard who serves as Remy's fuck toy and puppet. He sucks so bad at life that he is used as a punch bag for Collete. The poor retard thinks he's her boyfriend, when in fact he's her scape goat.
- Collete Tatou: The bisexual bitch of the restaurant, she lacks an anus (well, nobody's perfect). She pretends to be Alfredo's girlfriend, when in fact she is using him as much as Remy is.
- Skinner: Napoleon's reincarnation and the most useless villain that ever walked the Earth since Walt Disney. He is surprisingly sadistic for someone that is as big as a turkey.
- Anton Ego: The idiotic evangelical priest who does nothing but annoying people at restaurants with "You're going to Hell" comments, when in fact they just want to be in peace. He looks like a Dracula rip off, despite his religious connections. Obviously desires every little boy's butt he sees.
- Auguste Gusteau: The deceased idiot who started this fucking story. He is an old fat fart who serves as Remy's consciousness; in that case, he would be better dead, since the rat pays no attention to him.
- Remy's Family: The stupid rats that allowed him to live in the first place. If they had killed him, none of this would have ever happened. Although they resemble the rats from The Secret of NIMH, they are obviously so stupid that they don't even know what good food is.
