Rasberry Crazy Ant
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The Rasberry Crazy Ant or Tawny Crazy Ant (Scientific name: Nylanderia fulva) is an ant species with 2-4 mm individuals that live in colonies of millions to billions with multiple queens. The primary common name comes from Tom Rasberry, an exterminator who first discovered invading colonies in Texas in 2002. "Crazy Ants" are so named because of their frantic defensive behavior due to their not taking their prescribed medication and their worship of Robin Williams.
Nylanderia fulva originates from South America, around Brazil and Argentina. They are as pervasive as military juntas in the region but are held in check by competitors and predators unlike the military juntas in the region. The species has a preference for warm and humid coastal areas as do a lot of vacationing humans.  In any dispute between the two, the ants usually win.
Like many other ant species, the ants tend aphids for the sweet sticky syrup they produce, much as soft drink companies do. Rasberry Crazy Ant nests are distinguished by being surrounded by dead vegetation sucked dry by their aphids. Otherwise, the species will eat anything. The ants do not necessarily need to live in a hidden underground nest. They will use any cover available including dead leaves, rocks, pieces of wood, hijacked patio furniture and beach umbrellas.
Colonies aggressively attack anything perceived as a threat, which is anything. Therefore there are areas with no animal life other than Rasberry Crazy Ants and their aphids. Luckily, their territorial borders are clearly marked by the aforementioned beach umbrellas so other life can avoid them. Further, colonies do not attack each other and often merge into supercolonies. While scientists are uncertain about why they form supercolonies, some suspect it is to form an invincible army to exact revenge on Charlton Heston, who destroyed a mass of army ants attacking a plantation in the 1954 movie The Naked Jungle.
The ant species has expanded its range to Central America, Mexico and many Caribbean islands. Recent research seems to indicate pioneer colonies arrived in the US in the 1930s and worked as mob enforcers in underground speakeasy bars, but only became noticeable in recent years. Rasberry Crazy Ants now thrive on the Gulf Coast of the United States, whose human residents have a longstanding tradition of not welcoming newcomers particularly when the newcomers outnumber the existing residents by several million to 1.
The identification of the exact invasive species remains difficult due to similarities with other species and misidentification of ants in existing collections. One early theory was that the Texas invaders were Nylanderia pubens, a non-native species previously established in Florida. It may now turn out that N. pubens may actually be N. fulva just to send taxonomists into a feeding frenzy over nomenclature. Eminent entomologist Bill Beaker noted that the hats and gang colors worn by N. pubens fooled the scientific community completely.
Both common names and scientific names are hotly contested by different groups of scientists. Those entomologists will physically attack each other with the subsequent deaths of entomologists causing the group to be placed on the “threatened” scientists list. Cleverly disguising themselves as herpetologists, scientists of one faction will attack the labs of their rivals, carrying off research ant farms, comfortable office furniture and grant applications back to their own base.
Rasberry crazy ants should not be confused with Longhorn Crazy Ants or Yellow Crazy Ants because it will get you into more trouble with those species than it's worth. An identification method follows, approved by the entomology department of Miskatonic University, Houston Campus:
- Nylanderia fulva have short hairs over their entire bodies.
- They also have longer upright hairs on their back, the infamous Crazy Ant Mohawk.
- Their color is a pale brown to reddish brown.
- If you are surrounded by millions of tiny ants trying to crawl into every orifice in your body and bite at the same time, the chances are good that they are Rasberry Crazy Ants.
Once properly identified, you can collect your family and pets and run like hell from the massive reddish brown carpet of N. fulva heading toward your house. It is highly recommended that you do not pick up any hitchhiking ant queens on the way. Insure you have a correct count of your children and that they are who they say they are. You may be transporting a bunch of child-shaped ant colonies instead. The tip-off that they are not your children is that they will not be fighting in the back seat and they will be constantly shorting out the car's electrical system.
Arrival in the United States
While the further spread of Rasberry Crazy Ants was probably inevitable with the amount of commercial traffic crossing the Caribbean, some researchers blame the invasion on escapees from an ant farm owned by then-President George W. Bush. This is despite the assertion that the Iraq War was started on the basis that someone in "Eye-Rack" named "Sad Dam" had stolen the ant farm and acquired nuclear weapons to protect it. Both scenarios have been denied by Bush employees and supporters, who noted that the former president was forgetful and would never feed his ants, which killed them. Employees then substituted plastic ants to keep Bush entertained and happy much in the way the radio-controlled robot "Jenna Bush" was used.
The colonies had been well established by 2002 when exterminator Tom Rasberry discovered and publicized them. He stated, "It was kind of obvious, really, since there was a mass of them from horizon to horizon. Wish they called me a little earlier." Despite his calls for an eradication program, politicians and scientists scurried around like ants for years before acknowledging there was a problem, preferring the problem be solved in traditional Texas ways like lynchings and firebombings. Officials also pointed out that intervention would be taking work away from professional exterminators, though most of them had already fled the state with their families.
As of 2018, N. fulva has invaded 29 counties in Texas, several in Louisiana and areas elsewhere on the Gulf Coast. Authorities explain that the species is a semi-tropical one and its migration will be restricted by cooler conditions and their aversion to Polar bears. However, since this is Texas talking, global warming doesn't exist to them and everyone in the US is doomed. The invasive species has been estimated to be increasing its US range by 200 meters/year. However, this figure may have been calculated by the same experts that told us that Africanized killer bees could never escape Brazil/ never escape South America/ never cross the Panama isthmus/ never cross the Mexican Sonoran desert/ never become the majority political party in Manitoba and Ontario.
Behavior as invasive species
Rasberry Crazy Ants have now overwhelmed local competitor, the Red Imported Fire Ant (RIFA), Solenopsis invicta, previously the most-hated insect in the Gulf Coast. That fire ant is itself an invasive species with nests having enough stinging power to make any visiting Australian feel right at home. Yet N. fulva are able to neutralize RIFA stings, credited to both a coating of formic acid and cheap sunscreen that they apply to themselves. Residents in affected areas now long for the good old days of stumbling across Fire Ant nests in backyards and empty lots versus having a tsunami of tiny ants filling up their house and yard and destroying all electronics and electrical items.
As Rasberry Crazy Ants were never allowed to play with matches in their native South America, they have taken out their frustrations by crowding into electrical conduits, electric appliances and computers. Eventually, they will cause a short and/or fire, causing the group to emit panic pheremones. That makes even more ants arrive resulting in another electrical short or fire. There have been several studies made trying to explain this behavior, though it was recently found that some nests were employed by the CIA PRISM spy program while others were in the pay of Cambridge Analytica doing direct data mining inside laptops and computers. Battles between those competing groups have caused fires and severe damage in such devices as well as the theft of sugary drinks left next to computers.
N. fulva has adapted well to its new home. The colonies now look forward to Cyber Monday every year, where they can destroy new purchases made by Gulf Coast residents. Rasberry Crazy Ant nests can multiply in size many times by living in the yard trash of leaves and branches left between annual yard cleanups known to meteorologists as hurricanes. The species will also live in abandoned cars and refrigerators that populate Texas yards, often repairing the electrical parts within only to gleefully destroy them again, over and over. Hurricane Harvey in 2017 proved to be no problem for the ants, who just floated to new lands like little tiny obnoxious Columbuses.
The species is considered a hazard to agriculture as any farm crops are food for their aphids. Experts are alarmed that the Texas plantation way of life will be destroyed and that large number of slaves are at risk and could escape.
Even with their success, N. fulva is very good at dying. Large drifts of dead ants killed by exterminators appear like piles of dirt against houses and in fields while live ants use them for hiking and skiing. This does not bother the species, which rebounds and even increases its numbers in very little time.
Rasberry Crazy Ants have no natural enemies present outside of their native habitat even though long-simmering tensions with Argentinian Peronists continue to this day. Birds will not eat the crazy ants due to the high formic acid content, much preferring Sonic Burger French fries with blander catsup instead. However, that is all birds have to eat now as the arthropods, small animals and seeds they would normally eat have all been chased off or eaten by N. Fulva. The swarming ants are known to have asphyxiated chickens and have even attacked cattle. The latter is not considered a problem by many as formic acid makes an excellent meat marinade.
Conventional ant poisons and baits have proven ineffective as Rasberry Crazy Ants are food snobs. Effective poisons are approved only for use by certified exterminators in hazmat suits and the Syrian military and require repeated application. This explains why exterminator Tom Rasberry was a major buyer of the Elon Musk flamethrower.
In the early days of the Texas Rangers, a town desperately requested their help and were stunned when only one Ranger arrived. The officer then explained to them: "One riot, one Ranger". On that basis, the state of Texas sent one anteater to Matagorda County to take on the whole invasion. It is estimated that it would take the anteater approximately 300 years just to clean up the one county, so residents hoped for a cloning program or anteater resurrection to keep the extermination process going. Unfortunately, President Donald Trump ordered Immigration & Customs Enforcement (ICE) to deport the anteater as an undocumented foreign worker in 2018.
Nueces County set up a wall of outdoor movie screens ahead of the wave of Rasberry Crazy Ants moving through the countryside. Surplus electrical kitchen equipment was connected to power and placed near the screens which showed the kitchen scene from the movie Gremlins on a continuous loop. While some ants took the hint and managed to destroy themselves, it appears the ants are generally not fans of Steven Spielberg movies.
Louisiana has bred a supersized Venus flytrap, Drosera audreyensis, hoping the large size (3x3 meters) would trap and eat whole colonies at once. Nonetheless, thousands are still able to escape the trapping system. They then carry the plants back to home territory, where the flytraps are used to snag and eat human intruders including lost WalMart fashion felons looking for their cars. Because of the latter, Louisiana has tripled its flytrap breeding budget.
Phorid flies are natural parasites of N. fulva, laying eggs in the heads of ants which then hatch out, killing the ant. One. Ant. At. A. Time. Scientists are proceeding slowly in testing before releasing them. Certainly there have already been fatalities among researchers and visiting politicians with particularly tiny heads.
The United States had not learned its lesson from the 1955 outbreak of giant ants (Paraponera clavata aaaaaaaa) in the Nevada desert and Los Angeles, California metropolitan area. Those ants are now the majority in both population and board of supervisor seats, control the police and street gangs and own most of the movie, real estate, aircraft and aphid industries plus the related drug trade.
It is expected that Rasberry Crazy Ants will expand and take control of other areas and eventually involve themselves in turf wars with P. clavata aaaaaaaa and Africanized killer bees. While this will make transplanted Mexicans and Third-World refugees feel right at home, it is felt that the resulting displacement of Hypno Toad would no longer provide the farcical tragicomedy that is known to the rest of the world as current American politics.
- ↑ US measure: really tiny
- ↑ Okay, okay, and Adam Ant, too, Captain Obvious.
- ↑ most humans are larger than 3-4 mm
- ↑ Even Little Caesar's pizza
- ↑ known to scientists as "flashmobs"
- ↑ spilled beer and central steam heating provided the needed moist and warm environment for the ants
- ↑ Admit it, scientists. They all look alike, like little ants, don't they? Thought so.
- ↑ The Uncyclopedia site is under endless 24 hour attack for using the names used in this article. Please help by sending decent chocolate to its poor overworked admins.
- ↑ Then again, so does Matt Damon
- ↑ that’s a no-no
- ↑ new-kyu-lar
- ↑ no, 30
- ↑ 31 now
- ↑ American: distance from your house to the 7-11 on the corner
- ↑ the smell of burning ants?
- ↑ choked the chickens, if you will, and possibly people like you who sleep with their mouths open
- ↑ lawsuits pending
- ↑ and a few humans
- ↑ American: size of a pro basketball player wearing a silly hat standing on top of one lying down also wearing a silly hat
- ↑ likely to Alaska, under Sarah Palin's magic window overlooking Russia