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Disclaimer The apocalypse is probably the most pathetic thing ever invented. Mostly used by altar-boy-fondlers to scare peasants into paying strenuous tithes, the apocalypse is pretty much exclusively the property of the male, unsexed, possibly homosexual wankers pathetic enough to fantasize about it. Seriously, is there ANYTHING more pathetic than armageddon preparedness?
edit The Group
The members of the Apocalypse are known as Death - Michael Portillo. War - George Bush's second cousin Freddie. Famine - Elvis Presley's dog, Scruff. Conquest - Mr. T's half brother Lawrence.
'The Apocalypse Boiz', as they were known, were an early boy-band. After a live show they were politely boo'd off due to War (lead vocalist) tripping over his mic lead in the middle of a solo. This caused an enormous argument in the group (during which Atlantis was accidentally destroyed by War's broken amplifier) but eventually led to peace, and a compromise: Pestilence would be the frontman for a few millenia, and Famine would shut the fuck up and do what he was told.
“MY DESCENT IS THE STORY OF EVERYMAN
I AM HATRED DARKNESS AND DESPAIR
MY DESCENT IS THE STORY OF EVERYMAN
I AM HATRED DARKNESS AND DESPAIR!!
“ARE WE NOT THE UNDISPUTED THE PRODIGY OF WARFARE?
FEARING ALL THE MEDIOCRITY THAT THEY POSSESS
SHOULD WE NOT HUNT THE BASTARDS DOWN WITH OUR MIGHT?
REINFORCE AND CLAIM THE THRONE THAT IS RIGHTFULLY OURS!!
Let's face it, you're never going to get around to making that survival kit. Here's what to look for after it's too late.
edit How to start your own apocalypse
First of all, it would take us a lot of effort to start an apocalypse. Second, if you need/want to or are bored, you must think first before you act. If it was for you to commit suicide together with your pals, you're an idiot. Otherwise, here's the link to a video on how to start your own apocalypse.
For those who cannot watch the video"porno, here's the recipe on how to create a mass destruction. Heat oven to 200 degrees Celsius, beat dozens of eggs, roast some toast in a grill, get some rocks and blend with eggs and toast in a bowl, put Kirby's cake inside the mix and put the damn thing in the oven and toss the entire mess away to the depths of Hades. And there you have it! The ingredients will fall to the earth's core and turn the core into a sun magnet.
To those who want to include everyone out there, gather the entire earthling population and assemble them in front of the Supreme Leader Kim Jong Il Statue Number Supreme. Get them to jump at the same moment. This could activate the Supreme Leader's Supreme Hamburger Creating Powers that empower all present to jump with so much Supreme force that the earth is thrown out of its path of gravity and flies into a hamburger of some being in another dimension who is responsible for the management of our Universe. His or her dinner disrupted abruptly, he or she loses focus and slams the keyboard in anger, keying in the wrong bit of computer code and causing our Universe to blow up.
edit How to prevent the apocalypse
(If you already started it, it's probably too late to come back.) In order to prevent the slowly encroaching demise of humanity, we must all find favor with God, or his sons, whatshisname, Karl Marx and Bono. We must all battle cancer and give to the needy children. We must stop all wars with one another, and live peacefully, just as the bible, the koran, and Bob Barker have shown us. We should also stone our children to death if they do not observe the Black Sabbath, just as the bible has shown us. We also need to eat babies and old people... cause they suck you people are all gay!! Please visit N.W.A. while you wait, or just do what you normally do and wank off. We must make many many babies while we are at it.
edit Positive apocalypses
Cheer up Charlie, not all apocalypses are downers; some are upside downers, as you learned disobeying gravity and causing millions of dollars of damages to your new nightmare factory. Being eaten by legions of sacred prostitute vampire succubus's is a pretty good way to go; in the Willywonkalypse, forty days and nights of non Euclidian candy with unearthly tastes, colors, and shapes will rain down death by chocolate from above, washing away the children of man and their sins from the Earth's milk chocolate shell. So begins ten thousand years of chocolate darkness, in the sweet sacred shadows of The Vampire Queen.