Raptors with Chainsaws

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Big teeth, big claws and big chainsaws make Raptors with Chainsaws an animal best avoided where possible, as this primitive hippy is about to find out.

“That Was Tasty”
~ Chuck Norris upon Eating a Raptor with a chainsaw.
“I'm staying here! This will be the next war zone!”
~ Frank West on arriving in the Raptor with Chainsaw Empire.
“The worst part is they have chainsaws too”
~ Captain Obvious on on his first encounter with a chainsaw raptor

Raptors, thought to be the single greatest threat to human existence, were made even more deadly with the introduction of the chainsaw despite that even without it they are able to both outrun and outsmart humans without even trying. If you ever encounter one equipped with a chainsaw, your only chance of survival is to hope it runs out of gasoline; though at that point, of course, the raptor will simply throw it away and maul you.

edit The Beginning

Shortly after the introduction of dinosaurs, cavemen quickly (within 300-400 million years) realized that they needed a way to defend themselves from the hordes of reptilian predators. So, the cavemen had a gathering of scientists to help devise a means of destroying these so-called "cavemen-stompers" and the scientists spent a short time (see above) developing a weapon to do so. After a period during which several prototypes were put to the test, the scientists were able to develope a suitable weapon capable of destroying any dinosaur that tried to kill and eat them. This weapon was called the Nrrrnrrggrrrnnrrgggrrrnnn or, for ease of pronunciation, a chainsaw. However, all was not well for the future of cavemen...


A raptor before receiving his chainsaw.

edit Raptors obtain Chainsaws

Following a caveman raiding party on a settlement of gentle raptors, the surviving raptors found one of the murderous cavemen lying on top of his weapon. It did not take long (about 0.00000000003 seconds) for the raptors to learn how to use these amazing devices against the weapon's creators and it took them about three seconds to find their well-concealed big red post-modern suburban huts with swimming pools.

At first, the raptors used this newfound technological marvel to cause mischief and chaos. However, the cavemens' leader felt that this chainsaw-induced mayhem was disruptive of his way of life, so the cavemen fought back.

edit The Great Caveman Massacre

Needless to say, the raptors, being faster and smarter than cavemen, slaughtered about 80% of their penis enemies in a matter of minutes prior to agreeing to an unconditional surrender. Afterwards, the other dinosaurs went into hiding and the raptors, with their amazing tools of fun and merriment, roamed the land unchallenged.

Every now and then, a caveman with a bloated head would try to educate the others. But, the raptors would discover these madmen before their plans could come into fruition.

But soon afterward there was a treaty between raptors and humans. This allowed the humans to roam freely, only offering a Jew for sacrifice once a month to the raptors. This treaty was eventually the basis of the Constitution of the United Spades of Amerika and is considered one of the best political moves of all time.


Take that!

edit Then and Now

And that is how it has been until modern man invented the gun, the invention of which caused many raptors to yell, "Aww, Fuckin' Shit!" The raptors now live in jungles and caves where they are less likely to be shot on sight by White Supremacists or Republicansfor simply being a raptor with a chainsaw. They are now forced to Commandthe war in Iran.

edit What You Can Do

Obviously, these poor, misunderstood creatures need someone to show Mankind the error of their ways. Even you, YES, YOU, that fat lazy slob can do something to help them.

There are a number of ways, such as:

  1. Giving them more gasoline
  2. Give them new chains
  3. Have a meeting to raise awareness of their suffering
  4. Feed them cavemen, they are their primary source of food
  5. Teach them how to use chainsaw rifles
  6. And anything else that aids their way of life
  7. Sexually arouse them
  8. Give them Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 for their birthday!
  9. Economic Aid

edit The Rise of the Raptor-Chainsaw Empire

This will surely not be good. Especially for you. Because I'm from the future and I know what will happen.

Around 2021 there will be an uprising. Raptors will be everywhere and you won't be able to stop it, not even Obama. In fact Obama is a chainsaw raptor, only in disguise, and will lead them to victory and ensure the enslavement of the human race. I suggest you heed warning and pack as many Kesha albums as possible, because only the horrific noise will cause their head to EXPLODE!!!. Other than that they're indestructible.

The Coup of history will be unstoppable and unless you enjoy being Rapeed by raptors, (hence where the name raptor came from), I will give you directions to a safe house.


One of the raptor's many spies and tricksters. Don't answer his riddles

  1. take a left on gosling
  2. drive all the way to Greenland
  3. They'll be a small mexican guy named Jose. This a distraction by the raptors so don't try to answer his riddles cause if you do you'll be eaten
  4. After you survive the taunting of Jose, shout "RedSox Suck" as loud as possible. We've trained a Giant enemy crab to arise from his home and take you to the North Pole.
  5. Once you're there you'll see a Wardrobe. Walk inside of it and it'll take you to Narnia. Once there Aslan will take you to the rebel base.

edit See Also

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