Raptor Jesus
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“ Raptor Jesus is a pretty cool guy. Eh died for our sins and doesn't afraid of anything!”
~ Captain Hobo on Raptor Jesus
“ He went extinct for your sins to save you from Satanasauras Rex”
~ Cretaceous 3:27
“ Beware the VelociRapture and the second coming of Raptor Jusus...”
~ Crazy Religious Drunk
“ He is Jesus and a Raptor combined...”
“ The Corinthians third letter to JesusRaptor came back slashed and stained with blood.”
~ The Diplopopeus
“ Raptor Jesus Resurrected mahlong....”
“ Mahlong what? ”
~ Captain Oblivious On Above Quote
“ Mahlong Dick!!!! ”
~ Oscar Wilde commenting on the cap's stupidity
Contents |
[edit] History
During the Mesozoic era, God went through a very emotional period in his life, because he was being picked on by Satanasaurus Rex. Rather than making beings in his own image, he populated the Earth with giant lumbering chalk nosed reptiles. Other scriptures such as the Dead Primordial Sea scrolls suggest that God was actually a muslim dinosaur during his teens, and was the true inspiration for Godzilla, and ramadam.
Opponents of his theory, primarily the Romans, viciously attacked Him and his followers, condemning them to extinction.
[edit] The Miracles of Raptor Jesus
God had originally intended Raptor Jesus to simply preach to his fellow dinosaurs and eat impertinent Romans, but it soon became apparent that more persuasive methods would be needed. In order to impress the dinosaurs, God granted Raptor Jesus the ability to perform miracles. The first thing he done was he created a new burger for McDonalds the Halal-mac. An angry mob of Roman citizens attacked Raptor Jesus and pulled off his tail because he was semi muslim. Raptor Jesus impressed them all as he regrew another one, then healed all others who had lost a tail. Thankfully he had already reached level 16, and had the auto heal ability. Raptor Jesus then broke up the mob by picking out individuals and embarrassing them until every member of the mob became too mentally weak and confused to do any more to harm him. He eventually went through a period of insanity. Raptor Jesus was reported missing for 7-10 years of his life. There have been many rumors of him being practicing Buddhism on Mars, but now accounts from an eye witness, Tyrone Muhammad, "I be seeing Rapta Jesus every day eating some dried out African babies." Tyrone Muhammad also stated how "rapta jesus borrowed $3.50 from me" and its also reported that the family of muhammad is inseteres to chef from south park.
[edit] Christority
Raptor Jesus created Christority after performing miracles. It is believed that if you believe in Raptor Jesus you are a genius. Raptor jesus wasn't jewish he use to be muslim. (which is why he is so good at ripping off athiest's heads)Until 67,000,000,000 BHC Then he switched To His own "religon".
[edit] His Final Days
Much like Jesus Christ, Raptor Jesus had 12 disciples (or Dinosciples), also like JC one of Raptor Jesus ‘s Dinosciples betrayed him, so just like Christ would eventually do millions of years in the future Raptor Jesus fled to the garden of Jurassic Gethsemane where he squatted down and curled out an egg containing a replacement Dinosciple. However before the egg could hatch the Xbox incident (or Xpocalypse) whipped out the dinosaurs (except for ‘Saint Crocodile Magdalene’ who some people believe may have kept the Raptor Jesus bloodline alive) and the location of the egg was forgotten. Today it is widely believed that the Holy Grail is infact the egg containing the 13th Dinosciple who will one day hatch, ushering in a new and glorious age of Raptor Jesus!
[edit] The Raptor Bible
After Raptor Jesus' death, his teachings were collected in the Raptor Bible. It shows many of his most popular sayings, including "Grrrrrrrr" and "ROOOOOOOAAAAAAR". It also contains prophecies of what is to come in the future of dinosaurs and Raptor Jesus, though this information is kept secret by the Lutheran Church. Copies are not available to the general public, and are only open to Lutheran Church members, dinosaurs, and the guys who made Canadian bacon. You can also find much of his teachings have formed the basis of animal planet. Many people believe Steve Erwin saw a vision of rapta jesus bible right before he died although this has not been confirmed.
It is also believed that Raptor Jesus is still with us today, and can be shown through animals such as the alligator, the basilisk, and of course the Crockaduck. His proof is everywhere
[edit] Comeback
Raptor Jesus is set to make a return to earth in the year 2019², where he will undertake a cage fight against Chuck Norris and Mr. T in separate cages simultaneously. Many critics debate whether or not the fight will go ahead, but according to Raptor Jesus's Myspace, it will.
To quote Oviraptorosaurians 3:13, "A person cannot live on ramen alone, but every word that Raptor Jesus (God) speaks. RAAAR."
There is also a fair amount of commentary on his teachings, as well as fun little poems about the big master of epic himself.
To quote Utahraptors 5:e "Raptor Jesus had a lamb, He ate it with mint jelly. And everywhere that RJ went, The lamb went in his belly."
It is also believed that the Kool-Aid Man is Raptor Jesus' prophet from the past; however, the time machine screwed up his brain, rendering him capable of only saying "OH YEAH!" when he is supposed to be telling us the about Raptor Jesus.
It also state on raptor jesus face book acoount that he will shun all non believers and eat all that defy him. Many believe that Raptor Jesus will return on the 4rth of july because that was the date that must Raptors turned adult.
[edit] Raptah Jesus in Popular Culture!
Raptor Jesus has appeared in numerous films over the years. Nazareth Park was a hit in 1996 and was soon followed by Nazareth Park 2: The Lost Word. The film series finished off with Nazareth Park III: Trinity. he also starred in a couple of low budget films which i am sure he wouold rather keep quiet,these include; 'break in my back door in bethelehem', 3 wise members in a virgin...
More recently rumours have been heard regarding a prophesy that AwesomeSkywalker (The Chosen One) is set to return to Earth and release an album of such awesomeness (ed's word) that it will cause world peace.
Possible songs for this album include
"This Chosen 1 has no love fo' a ho"
"It doesn't matter if you're reptile or amphibian"
"Ride this Dino"
"Raptor Jesus Wuvvs You"
"Fucketh Learning."
"Dinosaurs are Soooo Cool"
"Partners in Rhmye" - Featuring Your mom and Stephen Hawking
And up to 27-34 more epic dinosaur tracks.
[edit] Modern Beliefs
Today, few can refute the evidence that Raptor Jesus once roamed the Earth. In the late 20th century, many foresaw his return, when the world would see his glory one last time in an event known as The Raptor. Recently, he has become known in smaller communities as the only major religious competition for the Flying Spaghetti Monster. It is said the two may be having space wars in a galaxy far, far away with freaky intros and Wookies.
Following His extinction, those strong in the faith of Raptor Jesus began bickering and ripping each other to shreds with their claws (similar to the later Christian movement in the Mediterranean). However, following the acceptance of creeds and all, the Cretaceous Church was accepted as the "catholic" church. It was headed by the pope, who was always a Tyrannosaurus, because they are scavengers and lack the means to masturbate. However, the Oviraptors did not agree with the T-rexs taking charge, so they made the Oviraptor Church, located in the east of Pangeae. A few centuries following the split, the Cretaceous Church soon found an enemy; the religion of Ice-lam, whos followers were called "Mastadons." The battles involved a lot of hardcore street fights, and the voice talents James Earl Jones and Freddie Prinze Jr. Anywho, then there was a little turd of a gallimimus who began the Pachycephalosaurus (those bone-headed dinos) Reformation, and the shit hit the fan. It was only recently that Raptor Jesus has again brought His truth to the world, uncorrupted.
Those who are aware of Raptor Jesus must spread the word, or RAPTOR Jesus and His millions of tiny raptor minions will come out of the FUCKING SKY and eat you. Spread RAPTOR JESUS's word. You will be thankful you did when He comes for those who don't believe.
[edit] The Second Coming
Raptor Jesus has returned. His Time on Earth has come again. He has seen his followers, and has begun the slow process of rewarding them for staying faithful. He may not be in the form he once was, but he is here none the less. He does not quite agree with everything written about him, and shall scold those who have spread lies. ALL PRAISE THE ERA OF THE RAPTOR!!!!
[edit] Related links
- Dino Sex
- Christianity
- DinoJews
- Jesusaur
- Jesusaurus Rex
- Nazareth Park
- Book of 4chan
- Grapes of RaptorJesus
- Christority
[edit] External links
- Qwantz.com (From the perspective of Tyrany Rex God)
| Fear their wrath, and beware their contrived names. If you are still confused about which one you want, you were probably much better off with Original Jesus. | |
| Monster Jesii | |
|---|---|
| Jesusaurus Rex: The tyrant Jesus...lizard | Save yourself from Werejesus! |
| DinoJesus: Nazareth Park is frightening in the dark | And they said Jesus rode on a Mule...Nyah!:Llama Jesus |
| Attack of the 500 foot Jesus: Demolishing non-blessed skyscrapers -- New York, watch out! | When there's no more room in Heaven...: Zombie Jesus |
| Jesus-Sonic: Lord and Savior of Hedgehogs and Sega gaming. | The multidimensional, Scientological king of rodents: King of the Shrews |
| Munchie Jesii | |
| Jeez-Its: Orange, crunchy, and fun to eat! Get your own box. | Savour the Saviour: Cheese Jesus |
| Jesus Juice: An Energy Drink...that's Divine! | Oh, where have all the Jesii gone? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you: Hershey's Jesii and Creme |
| Jam Jesus: With a name like 'Jam Jesus', it has to be good. | Finally, something on a stick the whole family can enjoy!: Sweet Jesus on a Stick! |
| Mecha Jesii | |
| Cyborg Jesus: Retrofit by God after death | Domo arigato, señor: Robot Jesus |
| JESUS 9000: "Open the Pearly Gates, JESUS."
"I'm sorry, Dave, but I'm afraid I can't do that." | Gets your soul white, white, WHITE!: All-Purpose Jesus |
| Optijesus Prime: Saviour of the transformers | |
- [1] The Gospel of Raptor Jesus
