Random Statistics
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“This class sucked”
~ Captain Obvious on AP Statistics
Random Statistics are fictional facts delivered in statistical form. During the previous Julian epoch 99.4% of mankind experimented with random statistics, but only a mere 99.3% actually injected. The supplementation of random statistics into verbal interaction pushed the coolness rating of the median abuser into the upper quartile, and inflated their perceived sense of worthfulness thirteen-fold, causing their feet to lift ever-so-slightly off the earth's surface.
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[edit] Where Did They Come From?
Mostly 9 in 10 Random research has shown most people are under the impression that there's a science behind finding statistics for anything. Statistics have shown this to be completely true, at least 78% of the time.
However, roughly 66% of random statistics have no support whatsoever, in contrast with 33% of "scientific" statistics that are similarly invented.
On a related note, 56% percent of statistics are made up on the spot, however, only 25% (give or take 2%) can be shown to be completely random.
The above being true IF AND ONLY IF it has been recently proven that 72% of said statistics are, and can be,as random as possible, however, only 3% CAN BE fully random with no outside stimuli.
In other words, EVERY STATISTIC IS RANDOM AND MADE UP ON THE SPOT.
It's science.
[edit] Statistics about Random Statistics
Most people (about 97%, according to recent studies) make at least occasional use of random statistics. Statistically, however, there is a direct connection between ones level of education and ones use of random statistics.
For example, only 8% of high school drop-outs and menial laborers (janitors, fast food workers, groundkeepers, et cetera) use random statistics weekly. Among technical college graduates and white collar workers, weekly random statistics use jumps to the 30-40% range. Among school teachers, the weekly random statistics use rate is usually a bit over 50%. Computer programmers and electrical engineers use random statistics at least 75% of the time. Accountants, politicians and statisticians make use of random statistics at least 100% of the time, if not more frequently.
[edit] Irrelevant random statistics
If you're like the 73.18765% of people out there, you're probably printing this out to read on the pooper. We interviewed several different people in stalls to find this fact. Here are some statistics that really don't matter but are fun to read while squeezing one off.
- I AM YOUR FATHER...:1 of 1.
- Hit the lottery: 1 of 53,567,422,456.
- Shaq's free throw percentage: 53%.
- Sex Panther: 60% of the time, it works every time.
- Your city will be hit with a Muslim suicide bomber: 1 of 3.
- You will read statistics: 1 of 1.
- Winners will win: 1 of 1.
- Losers will lose: 1 of 1.
- 67% of people suffer from an irrational fear of gnomes.
- 30% of people are afraid of gnomes for rational reasons.
- The other 3% are gnomes.
- 100% of people have been part of at least one statistic.
- Your life will end by having a golf ball jammed in your nose: 1 of 4,027.
- People that need Algebra: 1 of 3,053,567,422,456.
- 99.2% of the time, this will take you to a random article.
- 86.32% of statistics are made up.
- 37.98% of people die at some point in their life.
- Chance that you will die a rich man, get all of your money stolen, be resurrected, then eaten by a grue: 41.2%
- 6/4 people have problems with fractions.
- 9/10 of all humans at this very moment, are running nude, covered in penut butter.
- 10/10 of people think that the value of pie is 3.14. Well actually your wrong because it's 0 i've just eaten it.
- 4/10 people believe aliens exist.
- 99.995% of people believe in Chuck Norris.
- 82.67% of all people want to be vampires
[edit] See also
9/10 of people in the world at this very minute are running nude, covered in oil.
