Ramtha

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Ramtha
Ramtha
Date of birth: 33,000 BC
Place of birth: Somewhere in Atlantis
Nationality: Atlantian
Known for Being 100% correct for over 35,000 years, Ramtha School of Enlightenment, Channeling/Possessing important and random people
Occupation Owner of The 100% Truth, Movie Producer, Jesus Christ, New Age Prophet
Religion Ramthology
Spouse Deceased from AIDS
Children Over 6,000,000,000
Website Ramtha School of Enlightenment
Bouncywikilogo4
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Ramtha.
“In investigating quantum mechanics one can only conclude Ramtha is 100% accurate”
~ Albert Einstein on Ramtha
“Without Ramtha, there would be no Mormons”
~ Joseph Smith on Ramtha
“Damn you Ramtha, thanks for coming back and stealing my thunder”
~ Moses on The Ten Commandments

Ramtha is the ultimate entity in the universe. His power and influence have spanned the centuries as his life force has channeled/possessed the leading personalities of human history. During these many centuries, Ramtha has become the "unquestioned bestest knowledge knower" in the universe. Lucky for mankind, Ramtha has opened a school of enlightenment, The Ramtha School of Enlightenment, to teach the ways of Ramtha and lead man on a path of discovery. For the low low price of $700 an hour, you too can as enlightened as He. Sign up for a classes now, such as, Quantum Physics, Ramthology, Ramtha-Theology, History of Ramtha, Astronomy/Astrology, Numerology, and many more. All of these courses have been proven to be 100% correct teachings of the infallible being Ramtha.

Qualities of Ramtha

While many of the qualities of Ramtha are still unknown to the general public, here is a list of Ramtha's best qualities developed at the Ramtha School of Enlightenment, which have all been proven 100% correct.

  • 100% incorrect about everything
  • Atlantian Warrior
  • Never has to use deodorant
  • Can help one cure his/her own cancer
  • Speaks in perfect prose
  • Knows everything about Quantum Physics
  • Also knows where your Starbucks bonus card is
  • Founder and Dean of the Ramtha School of Enlightenment
  • Previously channeled/possessed Jesus, Alexander the Great, St. Aquinas, etc, etc
  • Born in 33,000 BC
  • Has sex with chickens
  • Enlightened in 32947 BC
  • Transcended into spirit world 32923 BC
  • Channeled by J.Z. Knight since 1977 AD
  • Is unable to predict lottery winning numbers for J.Z. Knight, however
  • Is also unable to demonstrate powers under any testable conditions (Ramtha shall not be tested!)

These 100% facts have been proven. Any doubters will have to pay $700 an hour to learn at Ramtha's school of enlightenment why this is so.

History

The Early Years

Ramtha is currently being channeled by J.Z. Knight, an American spiritual medium, since April first 1977. Ramtha was an Atlantian warrior who raised an army of the dead and fought against the tyrants of the times, the cult of Zeus, over 35,000 years ago. Ramtha led an army of over 2.5 million raised corpses across the continents, conquering 2/3 of the known world, which was going through cataclysmic geological changes. According to his teachings, he led the army for ten years until he realized that dead people can not inhabit the earth due to their inability to live. Therefore, the economy quickly crashed and Ramtha was forced into exile.

Ramtha spent the next seven years in isolation recovering and observing nature, among other things. He later mastered many skills, including foresight, out-of-body experiences, quantum physics, biology, and astronomy. It was during this time that Ramtha wrote his pre-eminent book, How to Dupe Idiots into Following Your Bogus Ass Cult. It is believed Joseph Smith of the Mormon faith may have uncovered this document thousands of years later, however this can not be proven due to Joseph Smith losing said documents. Ramtha taught his remaining followers everything he knew for 120 days, before he ascended to heaven in a thunderstorm. He made a promise to his last followers that he would come back to teach them again.

Spiritual Menace

During Ramtha's spiritual life, Ramtha used His powers to acquire much knowledge from the universe. It was during this time Ramtha discovered there was no "personal God", but a rather indignant prick of a God who wouldn't interfere in your life even if you were a toddler with cancer. So one day Ramtha snuck into God's office and stole all the precious secrets about life that had been stored in God's filing cabinet. It is from these celestial documents that Ramtha has been able to derive many of His teachings from. Due to the fact these documents come directly from God's filing cabinet they can not be challenged. Also found in these documents is the appropriate sum of money in US currency to charge per hour for teaching the secrets of the universe... $216 in 1977 (or $700 in 2005)

Possession and Channellings

Here is a list of Ramtha channelers chronologically through time. (Name/Date/Length of time channeled). Note: this has been 100% proven by every scientist in the world.

  • Steve the Neanderthal - 28,000 BC - 30 years (Was horny for cave babes)
  • Scuba Steve the Underwater Prince - 26,000 BC - 2 minutes (Until he drowned)
  • Bob the Builder (of the pyramids) - 10,000 BC - 40 years
  • Agmahden - 5000 BC - 20 minutes (Was very horny)
  • Nespharatu - 4000 BC - 5 days (decided the name was too complicated)
  • Noah - 3999 BC - 500 years (decided Noah had a much better name than Nespharatu)
  • Nejaf - 1500 BC - 3 minutes (Was horny again)
  • Alexander the Great - 300 BC - 15 years (Wanted to kill something)
  • Mithra - 150 BC - 50 years (First crack at creating a god)
  • Jesus Christ - 0 AD - 33 years until just before crucification (2nd God attempt, while initially unsuccessful, was manipulated after the fact and distorted all of Ramtha's teachings)
  • St. Aquinas - 1200 - 15 years (Attempt to put Ramtha's teachings back into chistianity)
  • Shakespeare - 1600 - 20 minutes (Wanted some hot gay man-love)
  • L.Ron Hubbard - 1950 - 20 years (Third crack at creating a God)
  • Richard Nixon - 1970 - 3 years (Ramtha wanted to screw Nixon cause he "hated that guy"
  • Cher - 1976 - 20 minutes (by mistake, not an official "Coming of Ramtha")
  • J.Z. Knight - 1977 - current (4th Stab at creating a God)

The Fifteenth Coming of Ramtha/Teachings

In the godly year of 1977, Ramtha decided to re-educate the human race. So Ramtha, who had been wandering around possessing people for 35,000 years, decided upon arbitrary yokel JZ Knight to be the new messenger of Ramtha's word. J.Z. Knight has, since that day, channeled Ramtha, which has been 100% verified by every science known to humans. Due to these facts, Ramtha/J.Z. Knight have set up a credited university (The Ramtha School of Enlightenment) on His/her own property that spreads the knowledge of His teachings. The central theme of His teachings is "I think I am God, therefore I am God." As soon as a person admits this and pays Ramtha $1379, said person will receive a Ramtha doctorate in Alternative Medicine/Godness.

For a PhD in Ramthology (The study of Ramtha) one must come to terms with the following philosophical truths of Ramtha. All of these facts have been proven true by the Ramtha School of Enlightenment.

  1. The universe is mysterious
  2. You must search to know the unknown
  3. Consciousness and energy creates the nature of reality
  4. Conquer yourself
  5. Quantum Physics proves Ramtha is true
  6. Jesus is Ramtha
  7. You can cure yourself of Cancer!!!
  8. Only J.Z. Knight can channel Ramtha... so back off!
  9. Ramtha School of Enlightenment is 100% correct on everything
  10. $700 an hour is a godly price to charge for an hour of class

Any facsimile to the Ten Commandments is not coincidental. As Ramtha existed 35,000 years ago he predated Moses by at least 30,000 years; therefore Moses stole from Ramtha.

Controversy and skepticism

Steven-Hawking

Your typical, poor, Ramtha critic AKA "unaccredited scientists"

While some alleged "scientists" have problems with Ramtha's theories, they usually come from unaccredited universities such as Yale or Harvard, where as the Ramtha School of Enlightenment has verified and proven every theory of Ramtha's 100%. Additional research has been done by the Ramtha School of Enlightenment, which of course is 100% correct and has shown these skeptics are usually too poor to attend the Ramtha School of Enlightenment. An alternative method has been proposed for payment for this poor, uneducated brood of "intellectuals". Mainly, one must purchase and distribute the Ramtha recruitment video "What The bleep Do We Know" to at least 50 people.

Unfortunately, according to Ramtha (who is 100% accurate), people who do not accept Ramtha's teachings will not be tossed into a tormenting pits of Hell, but rather into a bowl of leek soup which shall be digested by Ramtha herself. She has been quoted as saying "Ummy Yummy Wummy I gots unbeliever's souls in my tummy and if you don't attend the Ramtha School of Enlightenment, I'll eat you!"

What The Bleep do We Know?

507 labcoat med

Like how anyone in a lab coat is a scientist, Ramtha's teachings have been proven 100%

In 2004, recruitment levels for the Ramtha School of Enlightenment reached and all time high as a result of the release of the popular 100% factual DVD "What the Bleep Do We Know". Scientists from the Ramtha School of Enlightenment teach the 100% truth about how talking to freezing water crystals will make them "Freeze real pretty" as long as you talk to them nicely. If you talk to the water crystals like they were a red-headed step child, they turn out just like that red-headed step child, abused and awkward looking. As a reminder, this is 100% accurate according to the Ramtha School of Enlightenment.

Also, Ramtha School of Enlightenment scientists have proven that the mystery of Quantum physics proves 100%, according to the Ramtha School of Enlightenment, that Ramtha is 100% correct. In "what The Bleep do We know" this argument is proven 100% by the most effective methods possible, including: circular reasoning, A priori knowledge, induction, and by regularly and without bias asking and quoting Ramtha and His followers. This 100% true Fact-U-Mentry should be available in the local DVD bargain bin.

See also

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