Rambo

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RAMBO
Rambo taught Jethro Tull how to rock.
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“Huah!”
~ Sylvester Stallone on Punching Col. Trautman into a lake
“Aaahhh!”
~ Sylvester Stallone on Pulling an arrow out of his chest
“Huuaaaaaaa!”
~ Sylvester Stallone on Squeezing out a deuce after not having drank in a week
“NOTHING IS OVER!!!”
~ John Rambo on more Rambo sequels
“Rambo's the best, goddamnit.”
~ Col. Trautman on John Rambo
“Back there I could fly a gunship, I could drive a tank, I was in charge of million dollar equipment, back here I can't even hold a job PARKING CARS!!!”
~ John Rambo on Parking Cars

When there is trouble man can't solve they turn to Sponge Bob. If Sponge Bob cannot solve it he turns to God. If God cannot solve it, he turns to Chuck Norris. If Chuck Norris cannot solve it, he turns to Rambo. If Rambo can't solve it, he turns to Bon Jovi (a.k.a. Rambo's machine gun). If Bon Jovi can't solve it we are screwed.

History

In the beginning there was nothing (other then Chuck Norris). In 1947, John Rambo created himself. He then went on to create the Chinese, who using their vast knowledge of everything, created the universe. Rambo is a god. He is the fundamental for the religion known as Rambonism. The worshiping of the fact that Rambo is a good guy.

Biography

Rambo was the baddest mother in 'Nam, right? He spent two hundred years in a POW camp living on a diet of whatever the gooks gave him, which was usually feces. He actually developed a taste for it and Hardees was born. (this also explains how scat-fetishes became popular) That's how hard he is! So one day he escaped and was like FUCK YOU, GOOKS and he shot them all and won Vietnam. Then when he came home, the Hippies had taken the presidential office and the hippies were like "Fuck you Rambo! We don't even appreciate that you killed communism for us!" so he went around killing hippie sheriffs and was sent to jail but he escaped.

He was like "Aren't you guys gonna kill Russia?" And America was like "Nah" so he's like "Fuck it, I'll do it then!" and he went to Russia and killed everyone with exploding arrows and shit for a hundred years.

He came back to America and tried to find peace by having a daughter, but some South American rebels kidnapped her and made him fight the Predator to get her back. He killed the Predator with his knife and rescued his daughter. His daughter grew up to be none other than Chuck Norris. "But Chuck's a boy!" you say? Dude! That is how manly Rambo is! He has a daughter and the chick is born with a dick and huge muscles and karate and nothing gay like a vagina."But Chuck was already there!" you say? Anything is possible with Rambo and Chuck Norris together, ANYTHING.

Eventually they fucked with Rambo one too many times and he had to blow up the entire planet with a bazooka,but then came the Spetsnaz and ate him.

One thousand years later he appeared on USS Enterprise for no obvious reason. Apparently The Borg released him from prison after he refused to assimilate and was very rude to them. That Rambo dude is just awful , he was swearing , calling us names and stuff , we were really horrified by this horrible person, we are glad he left. I mean he even said how Borg is gay, come on! said the Borg Queen herself. After that Rambo went and kicked their asses just to show them how much of an asshole he could be.

Rambo's Politics

A founder of the NRA, and a God-Fearing Republican, Rambo has 99 Problems But A Bitch Ain't One (hit me) and unlimited ammo and stands ready to use all his remaining lives to promote the use of bullets in Uncyclopedia articles. Rambo came up with the phrase Pass The Ammo during a translation of the Coran (Neighbor to Iran and Iraq) phone book after confusing it for Praise the Holla!

However in the early 1990's Rambo was criticized by fellow conservatives, after saying that to be American you can't be black. In a interview with "American Tentacle Monsters Who love to fuck underage girls." magazine Rambo stated "... I love that fucking shit."

And no, Rambo is not a communist, he's just killed them all!

Rambo IV

From 10pm 27 April 1996 - 8.25am 29 April 1996, filming of Rambo: First Blood Part IV: Killing Random Tourists was shot in Port Arthur, Tasmania, Australia. Unfortunately, they took it a little too seriously, and production staff from Paramount Pictures were forced to pay off about 100 "victims of families" in order to keep the movie's production a secret. John Howard, the Australian Prime Minister, used it as an excuse to make great restrictions on gun control, and then won the next three elections on the basis of that line. This was also the end of the Rambo production sequence, and, unlike Rocky, it won't be resurrected 30 years later when Sylvester Stallone is 80. okay... so it was!

Rambo Mom
Rambo's mother, Jill Rambo, circa 1950 something.

Rambo V - VII

These later releases of the Rambo collection were released to DVD only, thus ignored by everyone. Even Sylvester Stallone denies V and VI, though he accepts VII was "okay, not enough slaughtering though. Boo Yah!"

Between these releases, Rambo also created a straight-to-classroom instructional video entitled "The Browning .50 Caliber Machine Gun and its Effects on the Human Body", which showed him blasting an entire battalion of Burmese soldiers with a single Jeep mounted 50 Cal Machine Gun for 3.5 hours straight.

Rambo In The News

Rambo was made famous recently, after he shot at some helicopters in No Orleans after Hurricane Katrina hit. He thought the helicopters were the enemy from the Vietnam conflict, which he thought was still going on. Then he realized he was defending black people, so he stopped.

Rambo recently wanted to join in on the War on Christmas, but it turned out that he was stuck in No Orleans in a Psycho ward call the Super Dome then he fucked his wife in the ass, after he had been drinking contaminated water for months and tried to attack uprooted trees that he thought were Michael Moore and Bill O'Reilly, two liberals who had made fun of him for shooting at helicopters. He had attacked the uprooted trees, naked, using a toilet plunger instead of a machine gun, and making "rat-a-tat-tat-tat-tat" noises. This behavior was too bizarre, even for Rambo. It took seventy-nine people, the entire French army, six tranquilizer darts, five kittens, three cabbages and man possessing extreme Herndonacity to capture Rambo in his altered mind-state. He is currently recovering, and drawing pictures of Unicorns and going through a detox program, which won't happen soon, as the Spetsnaz will come to eat him.

See also

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Rambo is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.


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