Ralph the Wonder Llama
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“Making love to Ralph is like playing golf while wearing rollerblades; no matter how hard you wave your stick, you always fall flat on your face and miss the hole. Then Tiger Woods comes first. ”
Ralph the Wonder Llama was once called by President Bush "the greatest actor/filmmaker of the age". He has appeared in dozens of films and acted as a co-director in several others. Also, far more relevently, but cunningly not the first thing mentioned in this article (Take that fourth wall!), Ralph the Wonder Llama is our lord and saviour, and he shall come(t) to this earth, as a judge, on the day of Judgement to judge us all on the day of Judgement, and to pass judgement on us.
Ralph was born to John and Betty Buckton, backwoods farmers who had a hunger for vengeance against anything with 'mesh' in its name. After their son was born a Llama, John committed suicide by peanut-butter injection. A distraught Ralph attempted mouth-to-mouth for six hours, refusing to accept the fact that he could not save his father. Now in a depressed state of mind he left his mother and ascended to a higher plane of existence realizing his Godhood. Vowing to make his late father proud, Ralph entered college with a major in cinematography. He discovered a natural aptitude for the subject, and the ability to hold a camera.
It was at this age he met his first real love, Turkish moose wrestler Diba Mu-tang. He dropped out of collage and for the next six years Ralph lived on a quaint ranch in northern Utah with his new-found love, nearly fathering several children. However just as life seemed to be at its best Diba became sick with antler poising and died in the arms of Ralph her semi-lifelong lover. The funeral was short and sweet just as Diba had wanted. Her body was burned as bagpipes played and the sun set in the background. Ralph was a new man/llama and went back to the world with a mission.
He re-joined collage and got his doctrine in human/llama relations, with this he got a good job and a nice house. He had become well known and loved by many making his deep seated loneliness pass easier, however he still missed long summer afternoons with Diba, and the sunsets on the ranch. He continued on living like this for the next ten years, Ralph was happy.....ish.
In the dark year of 2007, Ralph the Wonder Llama decided to start his church, choosing Joshua Courtney of Caldwell, Texas, to be his first disciple. Ralph communicated with Josh through visions and dreams, telling him of his unknown power. Josh was at first terrified and initially refused to become a believer, instead choosing to remain faithful to Jesus. However, Ralph needed him so he sent in a small force Wondalphs (Ralph's followera) to Joshes home, infiltrating his defenses with a combination of divine blessings and dumb luck. Once inside his headquarters, they entered his bedchambers and gave him a message of the glory to come should he choose to follow Ralph, confused and slightly aroused Josh, overcome with intense feelings of power, rage, and an uncontrolable sexual desire, immediately became the Prophet of Ralph, pledging to spread Ralph The Wonder Llama's gospel throughout the Universe.
edit Movie Appearances
- Ralph's first job was as a creative consultant in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. He is also seen in the black knight scene as the unknown blue knight.
- Ralph appears in almost every battle sequence in The Lord of the Rings.
- Ralph appears in two scenes in The Wizard of Oz. At one point, he is seen eating a munchkin in the background, starting with the munchkin's ears. In the scene in which Dorothy is introduced to the Scarecrow, Ralph's ears are seen coming progressively closer over the rows of corn.
- Ralph the Wonder Llama plays one of the pilots in the 2006 film adaptation of King Kong.
- In the movie Spaceballs, the bumper sticker on the massive ship originally read "We Brake for Ralph the Wonder Llama." This alternate version was shown only once to a room of drunken Belgians.
- Ralph the Wonder Llama appears in every single Kevin Costner film.
- Ralph is in talks to adapt the Harry Potter films for silent movie theaters.
- Ralph was the real killer in Psycho.
- Some say his lips are soft like the finest silk and sweet like the richest honey. Others say he wakes up each morning wearing George Clooney's face as a mask. All we know is, he is called The Stig.