Ralph the Wonder Llama
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“Making love to Ralph is like playing golf while wearing rollerblades; no matter how hard you wave your stick, you always fall flat on your face and miss the hole. Then Tiger Woods comes first. ”
Ralph the Wonder Llama was once called by President Bush to be "the greatest actor/filmmaker of the age". He has appeared in dozens of films and acted as a co-director in several others. Also, far more relevently, but cunningly not the first thing mentioned in this article (Take that fourth wall!), Ralph the Wonder Llama is our lord and saviour, and he shall come(t) to this earth, as a judge, on the day of Judgement to judge us all on the day of Judgement, and to pass judgement on us.
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[edit] History
Ralph was born to John and Maurie Cleland, backwoods farmers who had a hunger for vengeance against anything with 'mesh' in its name. After their son was born a Llama, John committed suicide by peanut-butter injection. A distraught Ralph attempted mouth-to-mouth for six hours, refusing clowns driving red Ford vehicles he also became a drunk bum which resulted in him turning green, and ascended to a higher plane of existance, where he realized his Godhood. Vowing to make his father proud, Ralph entered college with a major in cinematography. He discovered a natural aptitude for the subject, aided by his roommate, Billy Bob Thorton, and the ability to bend reality to match his will.
It was at college where Ralph came into his first contact with The Devil, in the form of a cask of wine. Thus Ralph pledged to fight Satan in all his forms and began consuming all the alcohol that he could get his hands on. As a follower of Ralph, one is required to help fight the Holy War by getting pished. Er, pissed.
After graduating Summa Cum Laude from Mime College, Ralph went to Dallas (Where that American King got assassinated) and met up with John F. Zapruder and got into filming people being killed in slightly gruesome ways (See Auschwitz). Ralph then became the popular filmmaker we love today, having a large and small impact in many films, before leaving this Earthly Plane(t).
In the dark years of 2007 Ralph the Wonder Llama chose Joshua Courtney of Caldwell, Texas, to be his first disciple. Ralph communicated with Josh via telegram, semaphore and Facebook. Josh was flabbergasted and intially refused to become a believer, instead choosing to remain faithful to Jesus. However, Ralph sent a crack squad of llama commandos to Josh's mountain fortress, where they infiltrated his defences with a combination of llama cunning and dumb luck. Once inside his headquarters, they entered his bedchambers and commited ritual suicide in front of a confused and slightly aroused Josh. Overcome with intense feelings of guilt, remorse and sexual desire, Josh immediately became the first Apostle, pledging to spread Ralph The Wonder Llama's gospel throughout Caldwell Independent School District.
[edit] Movie Appearances
- Ralph's first job was as a creative consultant in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. He is also seen in the black knight scene as the unknown blue knight.
- Ralph the Wonder Llama appears in almost every battle sequence in The Lord of the Rings.
- Ralph appears in two scenes in The Wizard of Oz. At one point, he is seen eating a munchkin in the background, starting with the munchkin's ears. In the scene in which Dorothy is introduced to the Scarecrow, Ralph's ears are seen coming progressively closer over the rows of corn.
- Ralph the Wonder Llama plays one of the pilots in the 2006 film adaptation of King Kong.
- In the movie Spaceballs, the bumper sticker on the massive ship originally read "We Brake for Ralph the Wonder Llama." This alternate version was shown only once to a room of drunken Belgians.
- Ralph the Wonder Llama appears in every single Kevin Costner film.
- Ralph is in talks to adapt the Harry Potter films for silent movie theaters.
- Ralph was the real killer in Psycho.
- Some say his lips are soft like the finest silk and sweet like the richest honey. Others say he wakes up each morning wearing George Clooney's face as a mask. All we know is, he is called The Stig.
[edit] Alph, Son of Ralph
Alph, Son of Ralph, was the chosen messenger of Our Lord and Saviour, sent to inspire a group of University students to follow the teachings of Ralph the Wonder Llama. One night dark and dreary, in the dark depths of the basement of a Union building, a group of drunkards in the quest for more booze found Alph passed out on a slab (of concrete.) Once the slab was gone, and Oprah Winfrey had been vanquished, the students woke up Alph.
Alph taught them the ways of Ralph, the holy nature of the Cask Wine, and the cunning cruelty of the Cherry Advocat. His followers became known as foulies, and supped frequently of the goon, and got pished in His name.
After a particularly heavy night on the goon, Alph took off all his clothes, flew to Israel, fought Batman, and came all over the walls. FOUL seeks to uphold this memory in every way. He bacame friends with Aidan the Almighty Alpaca
[edit] Other Information
- Ralph has no relation whatsoever to Jeff the Amazing Alpaca. Or Aidan the Almighty Alpaca
- Ralph is an expert on HowTo:Crash Your Dad's New Corvette
- Ralph has 3 legs.
- Ralph has an extra leg apart from his original three legs. And 1 eye
- Ralph does not have rabies.YET
- Ralph no longer believes in clowns. He does however still have Azuremimeitauraphobia.
 This article is quite random. You might want to edit it so that it's actually about something! |
"What? I didn't hear anything"
— Voldemort when Chuck Norris spoke his name
