“I don’t know who are you but I will find and empower you!”
~ Count Rahul Gandhi

Rahul Gandhi: Bring on the Smug.

HTTP (Order of the Indian National Congress) Sir Rahul Gandhi is an Indian politician, physicist and a modern sex symbol who is known for his intellectual abilities and oratory proficiency. Sir Rahul Gandhi has been the subject to many scientific studies carried out by prestigious institutes around the world which confirmed that his entire vocabilistics is limited to “RTI”, “Woman” and “Empowerment”, in that particular order.

He is currently at his home watching Pokemon reruns.

Early life and EducationEdit

His Highness Rahul Gandhi is widely regarded as India’s first and perhaps only Amul baby, which is the indigenous version of test tube fertilization. His parents were great politicians who did greater things for the greatest nation of India which ultimately resulted into overflow of greatness and now everyone hates them. The surname “Gandhi” is a misnomer as Sir Rahul Gandhi has never been featured on a currency note. Rahul Gandhi, The Great attended St. Columba's School to provide the students and teachers there with RTI, Woman and Empowerment and passed out of high school scum cum lund.


Rahul relies on Granny Power.

Later he went to attend the prestigious Harvard University but the professors there couldn’t handle the amount of RTI, Woman and Empowerment that Sir Rahul could provide and hence he was able to earn a degree in physics, mathematics, literature, political Science and economics after just 7 days of attending classes. This lead to worldwide recognition of his intellectual abilities and he was cited in Time magazine’s “one and only person under 30 to watch out for”.

Political CareerEdit

After returning home, he knew where to put his intellectual abilities, hence he joined the political fraternity of India in hopes of becoming the next prime minister, and started attending rallies and campaigns for the political party established by his father’s, who was the prime minister of India, mother’s, who was the prime minister of India, father, who was the prime minister of India. But because of his outstanding educational qualifications, he often mistook political rallies and press conferences to be seminar events and ended up teaching physics which helped boost the physicist count of India, which is currently under the burden of a growing population of engineers, to cross the entire population of that of Australia and U.K put together.

Some physics concepts explained by Dr. Rahul Gandhi in his seminars rallies include, but are not limited to, planetary sciences, classical and quantum mechanics, orbital and escape velocities, etc which make his rallies one of the most sought after events by students preparing for university entrance examinations.

During 2014 General Election, Indian economy was performing worse than current Congress, people were sad and depressed. At that time, selfish and coward Narendra Modi decided to run for Prime Ministership, whereas after seeing people’s distress, Rahul Gandhi chosed to run as a joke. This provided the ‘very needed’ positive energy to Indian youths. He’s the hero India deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So, people will not vote him, because he can take it. Because he’s not our hero. He’s a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A Dank Knight, Sir Sweat-A-Lot.

Personal LifeEdit

Jedi Knight Sir Rahul Gandhi is a member of the Jedi Council of New Delhi and carries two lightsabers with him wherever he goes, just in case. Rumors say that those lightsabres are actually toys bought from Amazon and that Jedi Council of New Delhi is a completely fictional organization which is used by Mr. Gandhi’s mother to keep him busy during off seasons or when he is not watching his favorite cartoons on TV.

Holier Than Thou Rahul Gandhi is affectionately called “Pappu” by his near and dear ones after one day he revealed about his wish of becoming the Pope. TV, magazines and newspapers often consider him a very ambitious person whose ambitions range from starring in a Star Trek movie to piloting fictional space shuttles.

Media AppearancesEdit

PHP Rahul Gandhi appeared on his first national TV interview in 2014 and was interviewed by Arn00b Goswami who holds the title of “Loudest man of India”. But since Mr. Gandhi’s vocabilistics is limited to RTI, Woman and Empowerment, the channel ultimately ended up playing a one minute loop, where he utters the three terms, for the entire duration of interview that lasted for 1 hour 45 minutes.

This resulted in a devastating election result for him as Narendra Modi became the next prime minister solely under the grounds of his ability to speak more words than His Majesty Rahul Gandhi.

Conspiracy TheoriesEdit

Many political pundits have suggested that Rahul Gandhi is actually a misunderstood genius. Or maybe even an alien, if the prophecy of Indira Gandhi, India's first and only woman Prime Minister, and another shining specimen of the Gandhi family, is to be believed. His ardent followers, who are mostly cosplayers for Chhota Bheem, have pointed out that his "escape velocity of Jupiter" remark was an accidental reference to his home planet. His legendary address that contained the line "Today morning I woke up at night" have had philosophers and academics splitting their hairs, saying there was more to it than met the common sense. Rahul Gandhi himself has been rather stoic when asked about the hidden meanings in many of his statements that otherwise can be brushed off as unadulterated gibberish. A brief eulogy to Rahul Gandhi written in Punjab Kesri by another misunderstood genius called Justice Katju describes the politician as "an enigma Indians are still to fathom. Mr.Gandhi, still grappling with problems of puberty, much like his famous (and the original) surname-sake did once, will come into his own one day. Till then, he will stand and look askance at the country, and on lonely evenings, steal glances at his home planet. For he is a creature the Congress deserves, but does not need."

Other TalentsEdit

Rahul Gandhi is allegedly an amazing wingman. Glowing tributes to his wingman-ship can be found from both Robert Vadra, the landlord of Haryana, and Digvijay Singh, part time clown and full time sugar-daddy. With the help of Rahul Gandhi, both Vadra and Singh have managed to land women lightyears out of their league. Rahul Gandhi himself, in the spirit of a true wingman, is single. He had a Venezuelan girlfriend long back, but they split when he could neither pronounce her country right nor locate it on any continent of the Earth.

A nation united by virtually nothing, please
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