Radek Bonk

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Radek Bonk, seen here preparing the ingredients for an African Stew.

“I met Radek Bonk once, and yes, he scored.”
~ Brian Boitano on Radek Bonk

Radek Bonk (One word) is widly considered to be God. Some say that he is merely Black Jesus in disguise, but them people is mos'ly ig'nit fools. Once upon a time, Radek Bonk fought Oscar Wilde in a Godzilla-versus-Mothera kind of shindig - the result was Nagasaki and Hiroshima. When Chuck Norris came to investigate, Radek healed himself. Between curing cancer and riding his Harley, Radek Bonk fills his spare time by playing hockey for the Montreal Canadiens wait...no, he was traded! To the Nashville Predators! Where he then sexually raped Jordin Tootoo and his first inuit in the NHL ass. Jordin was honoured.Some regions of Asia believe that by offerign him 3 Haemophiliac babies, great wealth will come.

edit Biography

Radek Bonk was born in a village high up in the Siberian lowlands - there is some arguemant as to which town in particular, many scholars say it was Funky Town, but a new thoery states it was actually a donkey - sometime in the early 1200's. During his birth, temperatures reached -75 degrees celcius, and his mother's vagina froze over, forcing Radek Bonk to punch his way out, an event which killed his mother and destroyed two Japanese cities (Which is generally acknowledged as the most improbable thing to ever happen.).

After the bagel munchers killed Jesus, Bonk decided to do what no man had ever done avenge Jesus, HE was the first to kill a lot of jews not that emo looking German Shizer chink. In 1664 Bonk began his crusade in finding the bagel munchers.Radek had the a super sense of smelling jew vermin. He found one of their beanies on a dirty path of pennies nad later traced the trail to Ultimo Jew Michael Landsberg, he ripped out his balls and fed them to his widdle cutie kitty. Alas even with all his awesomeness Bonk could not have done this alone him and his team of postal workers worked together. He killed Morgan Freeman to become black jesus.

Radek Bonk once opened a titty bar in the Austrian Alps called "Bonk if You're Horny".And believe me they did Bonk. He is consistently referred to as a scummy, scummy, scumbag and at his titty bar was frequently caught ordering and then devouring a bowl of gut soup. Because of his love of Gut Soup he was given the nickname Lubee Ass Cheeks by a wise man, Chill McChill, and they made love while Chill donkey punched him screamed, "YARGH" and called Radek, "Mr. Pig!"

Radek Bonk's birth was, in itself, a miracle. Radek Bonk was black, whereas both his parents were Klingons, and thus should have produced an Asian baby. Because he had killed his own mother - not to mention thousands of Japanese, although, reportedly, the island was repopulated by nightfall - his village pulled a Naruto and totally added him to their fucking Ignore List. It wasn't until he fought and killed several thousand vengeful ninjas (thus saving the whole of Europe) that his village came to accept him as the savior that he was.

Radek Bonk, seen here in partial disguise. Note the downward glance - this is him looking down on the human race.

Things went on rather like this for the next hundred-or-so years - but because Radek Bonk aged slower then the rest of his village, everyone soon dried up and died or something. Lots of death, Radek Bonk was involved, it was cool. Anyway, after his village comploded, Radek Bonk went on a journey to find SOUL CALIBUR and defeat the evil Voldemort and save the beautiful danzel-in-distress, Princess Leia. Some say he did this out of spite, others say boredom, while some say that George Lucas promised him a part in the next Star Wars movie for it (He's the one that destroys Alderan). Because Radek Bonk didn't get the screen-time he wanted (He had a duet with Freddy Mercury planned), he cursed the Star Wars franchise, and the result was Jar Jar Binks.


Super Saiyan Radek Bonk. WARNING: Viewing this picture may cause your brains to squeez out from between your ears... sorry we couldn't get this message to you sooner.

In the early 1300s Radek Bonk sneezed, creating what is now known as the Black Plague. Bonk specially designed the Plague to only infect non-believers, thus astronomically increasing the members of the Church of Bonk. Radek has been known to sneeze on several other occasions when unbelievers began to rise again, notably in 1629 in Italy, in 1665 in London and 1771 in Russia. During the rapid rise in Earth's population in the past two centuries, Radek Bonk decided to forgo further sneezing (except in 1918 when he caused the infamous Influenza outbreak) in the hopes that humanity would recognize the supremacy of the Church of Bonk. It remains to be seen whether Bonk will sneeze in the near future, though many have foreseen a massive sneeze resulting in the so called "Avian Flu".

Little is known about how Radek Bonk spent the next three-hundred-or-so years. Most assume he was locked in a staring contest with the Man from Glad, the winner of which was to be awarded a Louis X furniture set. By the time Radek Bonk won (thus returning the Man from Glad to the tar pit from whence he came), though, the set had rotted away and turned to dust - this made him so angry that he invented the guillotine and gave it to the French peasents as a gift. You know what happened next.

edit Trivia

  • Did Radek Bonk use a cheating calculator in his math class? Yes.
  • Did Radek Bonk enjoy listening to Honky Tonk? No.
  • Is the above trivia question funny? Not at all.
  • Did Radek Bonk coin the phrase, "I like men in my butthole"? No, Eric Story did.

edit Vital Information

  • Radek Bonk has, on three separate occasions, saved Chuck Norris' life. Once when Norris had his foot caught in fly paper, again when Hulk Hogan had him in a crotch-grabber-double-twisting-blood-hold, and, most recently, when Norris got his penis caught in a window. The resulting friendship prompted Radek Bonk and Norris to get together with Johnny Quest, a stray dog and The Shadow to form Mystery, Inc..
  • As a hockey player, Radek Bonk is famous for his ability to make love to every single woman in the arena, buy them flowers and chocolates, take them on a romantic Carribean excursion, make them feel appreciated, and still score a hattrick.
  • Was a founding member of the Traveling Wilburys. Bob Dylan, George Harrison, Tom Petty, Andres Segovia, Tom Petty, Roy Orbison, and Radek Bonk. Radek Bonk is personally responsible for every vocal track and the majority of the guitar playing that the band featured - however, as a result of smoking too much crack cocaine, Orbison forgot to credit Radek Bonk for his tremendous contributions. Radek Bonk was so angry at this that he gave Orbison cancer using his eyebeams, and then refusing to cure it. They say revenge is a dish best served cold - that's not true, revenge is a dish best served with a glowing, pulsating tumor.
  • Is an avid fan of Foghat. He's famous for following the band on every tour they ever went on, and impregnateing every woman in the audiance during Slow Ride. So awesome were Foghat's drum lines and guitar riffs that nearly nintey percent of the women miscarried. Infamously, during the last tour that Foghat would ever play, Radek Bonk took to the stage and impregnated his good friend, Foghat drummer Roger Earl. He would later die from complications during the birth - bitch nevah paid up.

edit See also

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