Racine

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Kfc

The flag of Racine.

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Being located in a very agriculture-oriented area, the city officials designate a search party each morning to machete-beat back oncoming cows from the west and rescue any reidents who may have been trampled by the blood-hungry beasts.

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Uptown, one of Racine's high-income districts. Uptown is served by eight 7-11 locations (three of which have gotten street cred for not carding minors), a McDonald's, and several prostitutes with no visible traces of rabies.

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A makeshift brothel between Uptown and the mall after a light dusting of snow in May.

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A clip from the winning article.

Racine (ray-SEEN, as in Ray seen that bitch turn a trick with Bobby) the place with the mall and dem black folk is a cultural suburb of Detroit located in Southern Wisconsin, near Milwaukee. It was accidentally created when God tried to excrete into Lake Michigan and missed. Its name comes from an Old French language word meaning "racist." Racine is frequently referred to in local news publications as its local name, Racilla, which is an Ebonics verb meaning "to shoot," as in with an illegal semi-automatic weapon.

Racine's population has grown steadily over the years. As many gangbangers and welfare mofo's get shot and wounded from the projects in Chicago, they head north to receive better healthcare and more money per baby in Racine, Wisconsin. Not wanting to travel too far away from their drunk father and/or crackhead mom back in Chi-town, they reside just across the border in Wisco where St. Ides, 8 Ball, and Private Stock Haffenreffer come in 64 oz bottles not just in 40's. When drinking 64's it is referred to as "cradling the baby" or "bomb". When Rocktown residents are done with a 6 4 it is common to smash it over a chickenhead or rival gang member and rob them.

Food stamps are the major form of currency in Racine. City Ordinance requires if you own a car that sub woofers be no smaller than 10 inches, black lights underneath car need to be turned on after dusk, and Rims must spin at least 26 x per second.

Effective, Jan 1st 2003 housing requires at least a card board box for a Racine Address. Racine passed a law in 2002 that shopping carts and recycling bins will not constitute as a housing address. Luxury housing tax on two story homes include payments of 22oz malt liquor by the case per boarded up window.


Racine's mall

Gangs

Most of Racine's residents are actively involved in gang violence. Starter jackets are still in abundance in Racine and you may get shot for your shoes (usually Stacey Adams), wearing your hat too slanted, or not being affiliated with a gang at all. Do not flash your lights at any car driving with their lights off as that is how you will be killed or "gaffled" from a local gang initiation ritual.

The most frequent site of this violence is the local landmark, the below-par mall with the gigantic army recruiting center. This is where naïve white kids from Kenosha flock to engage in some Wisconsinised variety of teenage behavior they see on TV. They are perfect victims for the gangs which rule the city.

Police roll 4 deep to combat gangs. 83% of Racine residents have a bullet lodged in their ass because they were "running from the police." Racine police have hired more black officers or "sellouts" to stop rumors of racial profiling. 84% of arrests were made in or outside of Hammes's(all you can eat)Chicken, Popeye's, KFC, or the Chik-Fil-A in the mall in 2010. 9.4% were made at the MLK center and the other 8.9% were at the mayor's residence.

Most gang members are recruited during the fifth grade right after their first felony for attempted murder on a police officer. After getting out of jail in two months most gang members then run drugs for the Latin Kings, ViceLords, Disciples or anyone else that will teach them the value of a nickel bag. When witnessing a Rocktonian walking in the hood they will exude a severe pimp strut as if their leg had been smashed by a Huffy dirt bike or shot by their step-brother for not getting enough gravy for the biscuits.

Also when walking in Racine citizens will slow down their pimp walk when crossing in front of cars making them slow down or stop. Commom practice includes staring at you as if it was your fault for driving down their street. Do not honk your horn as this could result in sodomy.

Mall attractions

The mall is a major attraction to lure gangbait into the city. The mall includes:

  • Three 7-11 locations.
  • The only Chick-fil-A location in the state. Chick-fil-A is the premier fine-dining establishment in the city, serving familiar food at a higher par than rival KFC. It is cost-prohibitive for many citizens of the city, with entrées costing as much as $4.99. This Chick-fil-A location has been the site of 58 opposite-gender live-in proposals, an all-time record for any place in the city. It has also hosted one episode of Happy Days and three prank-callers on Divorce Court.
  • Cow rides in exchange for two randomly selected plastic cards from your wallet.
  • Shelter out back for homeless people during the cold winter.

Other stores (many the last of their kind) include Zayre's, Chessking, Bachrach's, Fubu, Woolworth's, Shopco, Footlocker, Clarie's, and a Jet magazine stand.

Winter

Being a 65% homeless city located on a lake in the Upper Midwest, the population actually decreases 18¾% during the cold winter months from September to early June. The ¾% is actually thought to be scared newer residents fleeing to the comfort of Kenosha and electricity.

News

Television

The 12% of Racine residents who have televisions are served by Milwaukee television stations.

The Racine Wheh-Yo-Booze-At Weekly

The newspaper, the Racine Wheh-Yo-Booze-At Weekly, won an award for Best Nonfiction Publication in or relating to Zimbabwe. The winning piece was an article comparing the three main food sources of the city: fried chicken, plastic toys from the dollar store, and dead cats.

The article concluded, after much debate, that dead cats were the best food source. The article assured us that "the FDA has examined, and the dead cats which litter Racin'izzle's streets are completely safe for human consumption when cooked at 100 degrees Fahrenheit for five minutes." This claim was further backed up by CNN and a very reliable-looking Youtube video.

Racine made history for having the youngest Disciples leader ever(Lavester Bogan) a.k.a "porkchop" shoot Vice Lords gang leader (Jamaal Johnson)a.k.a. "pimp of pimps" at the age of five at a DJ Quick concert. Bogan was quoted at saying, "I whos I would a shot that punk ass years ago." At Johnson's funeral on the south side of Racine everyone attending was killed in a drive by shooting. Bogan and Johnson leave behind a combined 47 children and several of their "bitches."

Higher Education in Racine

The term "higher education" has drifted into the local dialect of Ebonics as to meaning the mandatory schooling up to 5th grade. The "higher" part originates in the practice of holding class on top of abandoned buildings so that the children will be safe from drive-by shootings. The local government is very proud of its achievements in the Higher Education department, with only 51 student fatalities in the month of March 2009.

Controversies

Sex offenders

The system the city takes pride in has been decried as inadequate by nearby communities such as Kenosha and Milwaukee, due to the high ratio of sex offenders employed in the education system. Kwame Kilpatrick, the automatically appointed mayor of Racine, has assured parents that nearly 75% ("that's ½," assures Chaniqua Sanford-Marcal, the Racine Director of Schooling, who graduated from Racine's Higher Education program at an unspecified time in the early 90s) of teachers have no prior sex crimes under their current name. "Thankfully," says Sanford-Marcal, "that number, thanks to our efforts, is be gettin' smaller every day."

Dropout Rate

The dropout rate among outgoing 5th graders is 67%. This has been a concern for years, but Sanford-Marcal assures the public that "it isn't really that big a deal, y'all, 'cuz almost 50% of 5th graders dropping out can already read. That be a big nummer, bitch!"

Literacy Rate

The literacy rate in Racine is approximately 40%, according to the America Lurmin' Association. The Higher Education department asserts that at least 50% of fifth graders can read, an all-time high for the city.

"We make damn sure to put all dem Fowth 'nd Fiff gradizzlers that can read into the Advanced Program, which is when they get a pack of ammunition of their choice for each book they read. This be motivatin' lots and lots of little young'uns to learn to read."

Age restraints

The state has been trying to convince Racine to provide education past 5th Grade ("Fiff Gradizzle" in the local Ebonics dialect). Racine has protested, saying that it "would not be useful," because:

  • The basic skills needed to pursue a career in cocaine refining, gang warfare, Racine Ebonics-English translations, welfare living, or cashiering or cooking at Racine's many KFC and 7-11 locations (the most common career paths in the city) are all taught prior to Fiff Gradizzle.
  • There are no words in the local dialect of Ebonics for "college," "high school," "intelligence," "potential," "middle school," or any places outside of the city limits.

Language of Instruction

While English is the official language of Wisconsin, all instruction in Racine occurs in Racine Ebonics, the language of approximately 75,000 of the city's 90,000 population. Furthermore, no instruction in the learning of the English language is taught. The one English-language school in Racine, held on top of the Motel 6 in Uptown, was shot out by the Latin Kings gang in October, and no effort has been made to reopen it.

Demographics

The 2000 US Census estimated a population of 91,081. The 25 census takers assigned to the city were all shot while taking the census, except for one, who was actually a double agent with the Latin Kings. He was able to count the number of people in the local gangs which would not have otherwise reported, bringing the population count up 30% from the previous census, while most scholars actually believe the population to have fallen due to increased gang violence.

Of the 120 households and 60,278 housing projects and temporary dwellings, 85% reported speaking Racine Ebonics at home. 11% reported speaking Spanish, 2% reported English, and 2% scrawled graffiti all over the form.

Racially, 85% reported "Black," "African-American," or "BLAAACK PAAAAAANTHERS BEE-OTCH!" while 11% reported Hispanic or Latino of any origin and 2% reported "White," "Caucasian," "Aryan Master Race," "Ku Klux Klan-affiliated," or indicated on another section of the form that they listened to country music. 2% scrawled graffiti all over the form.

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