Not since Pot v. Kettle has the Supreme Court presided over a more important case than Racoon Tail v. Super Mario Cape. It held in its hands the rights of furries, superheroes, video game fanatics, Italians, airline travel and giant anthropomorphic turtles. The pressure was intense. Sandra Day O'Connor is said to have fainted three times, and Antonin Scalia lost his lunch in the closing days.
Beginning in Japan, civil rights issues abounded with the release of Super Mario World. Two separate camps emerged in the populace, the purists who favored the Racoon Tail for flight and those who preferred the new cape enhancement. These different sides clashed in small skirmishes at first, but the violence soon escalated into cataclysmic proportions. The streets of Tokyo were covered in dead racoon-suited and caped bodies alike. The death toll was said to be in the millions. Obviously, something had to be done, and there was only one country that could handle it: America.
Racoon Tail and Cape were each extradited as war criminals to the US and detained in Guantanamo Bay, where they were beaten, deprived of sleep, and religiously persecuted. This was, of course, in the 1980s, so no one really cared about human rights then. Finally, when their wills were broken enough to remain calm, they were brought into Washington DC and ushered into the Supreme Court.
One holy fuck of a judicial smackdown was about to take place.
Immediately, it was clear that this case would not go easily when Racoon Tail threw a glass pitcher filled with ice water at Cape. Cape responded by flying at Racoon Tail's throat and wrapping itself around Racoon Tail, choking the life out of the appendage. Each side was restrained and drugged.
The judges were brought in, and each side was heard. Racoon Tail was upset at people constantly mistaking it for a racoon tail as it is, in fact, a tanuki, a Japanese relative of the racoon with much larger testicles. It cited several instances where Cape had offended it, referring to it as 'a dirty, smelly racoon's ass-curtain'.
Cape responded that the tail had made it feel uncomfortable on a nearly daily basis, tickling it in inappropriate places and making lewd sexual innuendo. It shamefully produced a list of 143 distinct cases of sexual harassment, turning this case away from a quest for justice to, in the minds of the American public, a battle between racism and sexism.
After nearly two months of deliberating, the justices were still no closer to a decision than they were when they started. They were ragged, sleep-deprived, nauseated by the constant horror stories produced by each side, and they hadn't seen their families in two months. Then, one fateful day, a new witness was called by the prosecution. This witness was Mushroom.
Mushroom claimed that, being with Mario from the very beginning of the series, and therefore having seniority, it should be allowed to take Racoon Tail and Super Mario Cape back to Japan with it where Mario himself would deal with them privately. The justices thanked Mushroom profusely, dismissed Racoon Tail and Cape into custody of Mushroom and declared the case closed.
It was revealed in early 1992 that Mario had no intentions of punishing the offending items. Rather, his girlfriend had been kidnapped by the wicked Bowser, AGAIN, and he needed to enlist the help of these two accomplices. The CIA is on the lookout for Mario, Mushroom or the two accomplices. Any information can be forwarded to John Ashcroft.