RMS Avatar

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RMS Avatar Sinking of the World
RMS Avatar
RMS Avatar departing from Smurphampton, circa 2009.
Rating
Devastation: 10/10
Lives Affected: 1 finger/10
Deaths: 4 fingers/10
Government Response: 10/10
Changing the World: 10/10
Total: 6/10
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to RMS Avatar.

The RMS Avatar, or Avatarm, was a shuttle remote manipulator system owned by the Canadian space program and built at the Canadanus shipyard British Columbia. At the time of her construction, she was the most expensive piece of technology known to mankind.

On the evening of November 11, 2009, nearly a month prior to the arm's maiden release, Avatar hit a Rocky Mountains landform and crashed about four minutes later. The crashing resulted in the deaths of the Canadian space program and Canadian cinema, making it one of the deadliest disasters in the history of Canada. The seriousness of the disaster was due to the fact that the arm did not have enough fingers attached to it. The arm had a total of one finger, although her maximum capacity was five. Similarly, the arm's operator James Cameron had all of his senses except for his eyesight neutralized.

The Avatar was designed by some of the most experienced engineers, and used some of the most advanced technology available at the time. It was popularly believed to have been "unsinkable". It was a great shock to many that, despite the extensive 3D features, the Avatar sank to depths not even reached during The Abyss video game.

History

Early missions

The Avatar's first notable mission was to help her owner, a lonely Ontario truck driver, to safely get through watching Princess Leia at the beginning of Return of the Jedi. The owner, James Cameron, was impressed by the usefulness and potential of his arm and decided to dedicate her for the good of Canadian national interests. The arm was sent to Jamaica to pull all of north America's piranhas out off the ocean and dump them on other planets, as a weapon against illegal aliens. However, the whole mission was discovered to be a hoax. When the fish were transformed into Petey piranhas as a result of the mission and caused many human deaths, Avatar had a mental breakdown and the trauma prevented her from sinking inside water for many years.

Terminators arm

The Avatar being treated for a piranha bite.

However, after her two next very successful missions the arm has become a national pride and a Canadian symbol. The first mission involved moving a human and a robot from the future to the present via a black hole, and the second mission was to move a xenomorph from one genre to another. This gave the arm the confidence to once again try to face her nemesis - the ocean. The most extravagant production of the 80's, the mission was to rescue an American submarine from the bottom of the Jamaican sea. However, the high pressure resulting from the return to Jamaican waters made the arm lose all of its fingers but the middle one.

Aliens

The Avatar while still having two fingers left. At that point Cameron was still able to both see stuff and touch them.

Cameron decided to play safe with his arm's next mission and in 1991 moved again beings from the future to the present, only this time no humans were involved. The huge success of the second Terminator mission allowed Avatar to once again break a record for the most expensive space mission ever made, this time with the attempt to move Arnold Schwarzenegger between genres. For her last successful mission, the Avatar had to maneuver her own owner James Cameron from the present to the future, to make it possible for him to shoot a documentary about the Avatar's very own consecutive mission which was about to take place in 2009, 12 years later. This enormously grandiose production made Cameron the best documentary director in the world, having being able to perform the highly complicated mission with the Avatar while also shooting the mission using his right arm. Cameron was then knighted "Royal Mankind Sultan" (RMS) by the Prime Minister of Canada, Saddam Hussein.

Sinking

On the night of Wednesday, November 11 2009, the temperature had dropped to near freezing and the ocean was clear of piranhas. The Avatar was being prepared for the execution of her next mission: Bringing down a balloon with some unlucky 9-year-old Colorado kid on it. King James, in response to pwnage warnings regarding a possible prank received via the web over the preceding few days, slightly altered the mission's trailer, to positive reviews. On 10:15 P.M. the arm hit a huge Colorado basin [1] and immediately got burned. Cameron tried to figure out what was the stupidity which made such a burning possible, but he only managed to glance back. The Avatar had to be sunk deep inside water or else it would have been consumed by the fire. Cameron quickly overcame his deepest fear and stuck his arm inside the aquarium containing his pet Petey piranhas, putting off the fire but making it possible for the hungry fish to completely consume the Avatar themselves.

Aftermath

Avatar blueness

Blueness comparison with a blue whale, a piece of blue cheese, a blue tooth and the Blue Screen of Death.

The Canadian nation was shocked by the disaster and began wide investigations. The final conclusion was that the Avatar wasn't ready to face an object as straight as a basin, having being a female organ attached to a male body for such a long time.

Many films have been made about the RMS Avatar, most notably Ron Jeremy's Wet Armed Men 13 and Michael Bay's 1998 blockbuster disaster movie Armageddon. Most of these movies had a distinctive tragic dimension, which gave them the name "blue movies". The audiences of the Avatar movies were often required to use special aids such as an anti-tears tissue paper or even a mechanical arm, which made the viewing experience far more productive.

References

  1. As proven in this documented footage of the horror, when attached to the right arm even just a single finger can be useful.
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