RIAA

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RIAA

The logo of the RIAA. Jawohl!

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Hell's Angels?

The RIAA ("Really Ignorant Assholes of America") is an industry consortium founded in 1952 by demons from Hell in order to make the enjoyment of music, and especially the preservation of music, thoroughly miserable. The RIAA is managed by an individual known as Bitch Mainwol. He is the proud demon spawn of Mog'var der Destroyer.

The RIAA's primary mission is to claim ownership over all sounds, with the goal of requiring anyone who would like to hear any sounds to pay it a royalty. RIAA's primary means of accomplishing this goal is the use of lawyers and Congress.

The RIAA has many natural enemies, including Common Sense and Reality. Its natural friends include many musicians, and anyone else who can be bought off with a small monthly check in the mail.

The RIAA operates in close cooperation with the MPAA. The two groups are studying joining forces and combining their respective acronyms to form the Music And Film Industry Association (MAFIA).

Mode of operation

Blues Brothers

When RIAA "account executives" such as Jake and Elwood visit neighborhood businesses, they are merely defending the rights of some aspiring guitarist.

The average citizen sees the MPAA in action most frequently when a contented citizen whistles a peppy tune to himself while walking down the sidewalk. Presently a pair of swarthy men in three-piece brown suits and penny loafers arrive, one conveniently on either side of the happy-go-lucky man. One will introduce himself by disclosing that the gay jingle the man was whistling is actually a piece of copyrighted music. The other will introduce himself in a standard way, such as by saying, "It'd be a damned shame if guys was to sue youse or something." The man pays about $20 to go about his business. Nearly always, he is happy to know he is supporting a struggling musician.

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Less visible but more prevalent are the MPAA's visits to restaurants that wish to provide their clientele with something more pleasant than the sound of their own chewing. The same swarthy men visit the restaurant, usually during serving time, with the same basic approach as above. Restaurants, unlike pedestrians, can neither get off for a twenty nor keep walking. The MPAA's men frequently return for the full buffet.

Lawsuits

Bainwol

Bitch Mainwhore, or Mitch Bainwol, current overlord of the RIAA

The RIAA's criterion for copyright infringement is anything that involves hearing. For example, humming a tune proves that the target had in fact used "hearing" to know what tune it was. This has led to lawsuits against an unborn fetus, an orphaned African child with AIDS, a bloodsucking alien (who, interestingly, did not own a computer), Adolf Hitler, Jesus, a can of beans, and several characters in cartoon animations done before the invention of the "talkie."

The RIAA vigorously pursues its legal rights against a new breed of pirate: multiple listeners. These criminals buy a CD, then listen to it more than once, often times as often as three or four times in a day. The RIAA maintains that a CD should only be listened to once, and if one wishes to hear it again, he should buy the CD again.

This legal theory has lead to several major record companies incorporating DRM that prevents CDs from being played more than once. Other methods include only signing crummy bands and pressuring them to make the most "radio-friendly" music possible (achieved by avoiding changes of key or time signature, and by not demonstrating virtuosity with any instrument). The RIAA believes that future technologies will prevent high tech criminals who carry a CD they purchased to a friends house and then insert the disc into a highly sophisticated listening device known as a CD player and let their friend illegally listen to music. These mastermind criminals, ranging in age from 5 to 105, are hard to catch, but spending several hours in a local jail before being released would teach them all a valuable lesson.

Responsible Deaths

Because the RIAA has become much of a financially destructive scheme, they have led to imprisoning many individuals via fining them such a large sum of money that not even millionaires can cover it out of their own pockets.

Here is a list of alleged deaths that the RIAA has caused, some or most of which are wrongful deaths and a result of spam:

  • 12,568 High School punk kids committed suicide because their fines have exceeded their family's income. Families then filed suit against the RIAA, lost the cases through their inability to hear the RIAA's argument, less they further the case against them.
  • 53,496 children were killed by the LAPD's AK-47s because the kids kept swearing at the RIAA and accusing them of child abuse.
  • 5,682 DJ's were killed by the FBI after finding that those DJ's owned an iBook to use for their clubs. It was evident that the mp3's used there were legit, but never had the proper security coding due to its late release.
  • The RIAA has stolen System of a Down's Album and then later killed them for promoting piracy.
  • Rodney King was killed via death penalty due to being found guilty of music piracy. One month later, it was evidently found that Rodney King has never downloaded nor owned any pirated music, yet the U.S. Government and the RIAA said "fuck it, we kill that motherfucker anyways to relieve our stress and help our economy."
  • The latest Metallica album was banned by the UN security council in an emergency session, ruling that listening to it was considered a war crime and resulted in the deaths of 90% of low income chinese families. The UN secretary general was on record as saying "Thank God we stopped that before something bad happened".

Now, do we need to ask who are the terrorists now!? We know that Osama and Bush ain't one.

Initiatives

The RIAA has spearheaded a number of initiatives to ensure that record company executives can continue to enjoy drinking liquid gold served in the hollowed-out skulls of Brazillian street kids.

In Cash for kids, the RIAA offered prizes to children who report family and friends for copyright infringement. In the most publicised case, a five-year-old in Colorado was given a Nintendo Wii for reporting his uncle for whistling Lady in Red while waiting for a bus. His uncle was later extradited to France where he died under interrogation, in circumstances described by the RIAA as being not at all suspicious. Britany Makenzie, a teen-age girl in Delaware, was sentenced to infinite years in prison after her sister reported her for playing her music so loud that a neighbour overheard it, thus constituting an illegal public performance. Britany's sister was given a tour of the RIAA correctional facilities as a reward for helping uphold the laws of das eternal Reich! A family from Denver, Colorado was reported by a 10 year old for singing "Happy Birthday" at Casa Bonita after watching a man in a gorilla suit be chased around the area. The family was sentenced to 2500 years of hard labor.

You're all thieves, damn your eyes! became a household phrase when used by the RIAA in their popular 'You're all all thieves, damn your eyes!" advertising campaign, featuring videos of record company executives with shoes and hats and charms made of gold wandering the street shouting this phrase at random bystanders. In their Christmas special, David Geffen was filmed urinating on a cage filled with sobbing teens who were suspected of having downloaded music.

Global expansion

The RIAA has invaded other countries, but under the guise of different names to avoid being sued by themselves in a circular lawsuit over the worldwide Registered Trademark they obtained for the name of their own organization (they have so many lawyers that their many left hands have no idea what most of their right hands are doing).

In Canada they are known as the CRIA (the RIAA is very sneaky because they removed the last "A" and inserted the "C" in front, which was very "circular" of them), which is good news for China because there will be no CRIA in that country in order to avoid a circular lawsuit there despite the strong possibility that someone in China will make illegal copies of the RIAA, the CRIA, and all the other 24 possible variations which will undoubtedly become available on the international black market (which traditionally enjoys an absence of levies and a 0% sales tax rate).

The New Generation Act

The New Generation Act was an attempt by John J. Jackson The RIAA to pass a new law that made sure that TV recording devices stay legal outlawed VCRs and all other TV recording devices. The New Generation Act: Written By John J. Jackson: The RIAA: We, John J. Jackson and his friendsThe RIAA, believe that VCR recording should be legal Illegal. This is because we believe that people should be able to time-shift so we can watch our shows later should be FORCED to stay at home and watch the game while the family is out having fun at the park. We believe that if VCR recording were illegal, then we might miss the shows we enjoy. stays legal, this will cause people to have more quality time with family, instead of allowing us to take over their minds and let us rule the world.

Internment of people with audiographic and/or photographic memories

RIAA lobbying led to people alleged to have audiographic and/or photographic memories being interned for holding unauthorised reproductions of copyrighted works in their minds. The criminals undergo extensive rehabilitation in order to remove all traces of such works, and most are reported to be quite happy afterwards, although unable to coordinate basic motor-functions, recall phone numbers, or play a musical instrument "by ear." A similar system is being introduced in the UK, since a bad idea shared is only half as bad as it originally was.

See Also

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