RIAA

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 22:59, February 12, 2012 by 99.7.191.62 (talk)

Jump to: navigation, search
RIAA

The logo of the RIAA. Jawohl!

Bainwol

Bitch Mainwhore, or Mitch Bainwol, current overlord of the RIAA

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Hell's Angels?
Bouncywikilogo3
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about RIAA.

The RIAA, short for "Really Ignorant Assholes of America" is a tyrannical fascist regime which resides in the continental United States and enjoys the full support of the United States Government, the Catholic Church, Oprah's Book Club and a variety of other evil organizations. Founded in 1952 by demons from hell, the RIAA's only purpose is to make people miserable, especially those who record and/or enjoy music. The current demon who runs the RIAA is known as Bitch Mainwol, son of Mog'var der Destroyer.

The RIAA's primary mission is to file a patent on sound, with the goal of requiring anyone who would like to hear pay them royalties through the purchase of CDs. Their primary means of accomplishing this goal is the use of stormtroopers thought police lawyers. Due to their heavyhanded tactics, they have made many enemies, including God, Girl God, Jesus, Ultraman, Common Sense, Reality and a jar of almonds. The RIAA operates in close cooperation with the MPAA; they are considering uniting their organizations to form a single group known as the Music And Film Industry Association of America (MAFIAA).

Hey downloaders! Enter the Music Mystery Contest sponsored by the RIAA. You won't regret it.

Lawsuits

The RIAA bases their knowledge on who commits this infringement by targeting people who hum music. For example, humming a tune would prove that the target had in fact used "hearing" to know what it was. This has lead to lawsuits against an unborn fetus, an orphaned African child with AIDS, a ravenous bloodsucking alien (who, interestingly, did not even own a computer), Adolf Hitler, Jesus, Super Jesus, Girl God, a can of beans, Roxanne L. Tanningsworth of Stokenford, Ohio, and several early cartoon characters.

In one landmark case, the RIAA sued Britney Spears for tapping to and listening to an MP3 of her hit "Oops I Did It Again" on her hard drive. Despite Britney's claims that she owned the song as her intellectual property, the RIAA made it clear that the record company actually owned her right to hear, and she was sued for her golden locks. This would explain her shaved head.

The RIAA has recently announced its intentions to go after a new breed of hearing pirate: multiple listeners. These criminals buy a CD, then listen to it more than once, often times as often as three or four times in a day. The RIAA maintains that a CD should only be listened to once, and if one wishes to hear it again they should buy the CD again. This has lead to several major record companies incorporating DRM that prevents CDs from being played more than once. Other methods include only signing shitty bands, and pressuring them to make the most "radio friendly" (i.e. moronic) music possible. New technologies are being worked on to prevent high tech criminals whom carry a CD they purchased to a friends house and then insert the disc into a highly sophisticated listening device known as a CD player and let their friend illegally listen to music. These mastermind criminals range in age from 5-year-olds to 60-year-olds are hard to catch, but could spend up to several hours in a local jail before being released.

Responsible Deaths

Because the RIAA has become much of a financially destructive scheme, they have led to imprisoning many individuals via fining them such a large sum of money that not even millionaires can cover it out of their own pockets.

Here is a list of alleged deaths that the RIAA has caused, some or most of which are wrongful deaths and a result of spam:

  • 12,568 High School punk kids committed suicide because their fines have exceeded their family's income. Families then filed suit against the RIAA, lost the cases through their inability to hear the RIAA's argument, less they further the case against them.
  • 53,496 children were killed by the LAPD's AK-47s because the kids kept swearing at the RIAA and accusing them of child abuse.
  • 5,682 DJ's were killed by the FBI after finding that those DJ's owned an iBook to use for their clubs. It was evident that the mp3's used there were legit, but never had the proper security coding due to its late release.
  • The RIAA has stolen System of a Down's Album and then later killed them for promoting piracy.
  • Rodney King was killed via death penalty due to being found guilty of music piracy. One month later, it was evidently found that Rodney King has never downloaded nor owned any pirated music, yet the U.S. Government and the RIAA said "fuck it, we kill that motherfucker anyways to relieve our stress and help our economy."
  • The latest Metallica album was banned by the UN security council in an emergency session, ruling that listening to it was considered a war crime and resulted in the deaths of 90% of low income chinese families. The UN secretary general was on record as saying "Thank God we stopped that before something bad happened".

Now, do we need to ask who are the terrorists now!? We know that Osama and Bush ain't one.

Initiatives

The RIAA has spearheaded a number of initiatives to ensure that record company executives can continue to enjoy drinking liquid gold served in the hollowed-out skulls of Brazillian street kids.

In Cash for kids, the RIAA offered prizes to children who report family and friends for copyright infringement. In the most publicised case, a five-year-old in Colorado was given a Nintendo Wii for reporting his uncle for whistling Lady in Red while waiting for a bus. His uncle was later extradited to France where he died under interrogation, in circumstances described by the RIAA as being not at all suspicious. Britany Makenzie, a teen-age girl in Delaware, was sentenced to infinite years in prison after her sister reported her for playing her music so loud that a neighbour overheard it, thus constituting an illegal public performance. Britany's sister was given a tour of the RIAA correctional facilities as a reward for helping uphold the laws of das eternal Reich! A family from Denver, Colorado was reported by a 10 year old for singing "Happy Birthday" at Casa Bonita after watching a man in a gorilla suit be chased around the area. The family was sentenced to 25 minutes hard labor.

You're all thieves, damn your eyes! became a household phrase when used by the RIAA in their popular 'You're all all thieves, damn your eyes!" advertising campaign, featuring videos of record company executives with shoes and hats and charms made of gold wandering the street shouting this phrase at random bystanders. In their Christmas special, David Geffen was filmed urinating on a cage filled with sobbing teens who were suspected of having downloaded music.

Global expansion

There have been reports that The RIAA has been invading other countries, but under the guise of different names to avoid being sued by themselves in a circular lawsuit over the worldwide Registered Trademark they obtained for the name of their own organization (they have so many lawyers that their many left hands have no idea what most of their right hands are doing).

In Canada they are known as the CRIA (the RIAA is very sneaky because they removed the last "A" and inserted the "C" in front, which was very "circular" of them), which is good news for China because there will be no CRIA in that country in order to avoid a circular lawsuit there despite the strong possibility that someone in China will make illegal copies of the RIAA, the CRIA, and all the other 24 possible variations which will undoubtedly become available on the international black market (which traditionally enjoys an absence of levies and a 0% sales tax rate).

The New Generation Act

The New Generation Act was an attempt by John J. Jackson The RIAA to pass a new law that made sure that TV recording devices stay legal outlawed VCRs and all other TV recording devices. The New Generation Act: Written By John J. Jackson: The RIAA: We, John J. Jackson and his friendsThe RIAA, believe that VCR recording should be legal Illegal. This is because we believe that people should be able to time-shift so we can watch our shows later should be FORCED to stay at home and watch the game while the family is out having fun at the park. We believe that if VCR recording were illegal, then we might miss the shows we enjoy. stays legal, this will cause people to have more quality time with family, instead of allowing us to take over their minds and let us rule the world. The New Generation Act idea was thought of by John J. Jackson The RIAA

Internment of people with audiographic and/or photographic memories

RIAA lobbying led to people alleged to have audiographic and/or photographic memories being interned for holding unauthorised reproductions of copyrighted works in their minds. The criminals undergo extensive rehabilitation in order to remove all traces of such works, and most are reported to be quite happy afterwards, although unable to coordinate basic motor-functions, recall phone numbers, or play a musical instrument "by ear." A similar system is being introduced in the UK, since a bad idea shared is only half as bad as it originally was.

The day the music died

By the year 2038 the RIAA had been fighting a decades long war with pirates, a war it was close to losing. A costly and failed raid on an old couple and their 12 year old grandson set the RIAA years back in their defense plans, and just 6 months later The Pirate Bay succeeded in wiping out the last vestiges of the music industry. Realizing that all was lost, the industry executives executed the entire staff of the RIAA for their incompetence, ate a light brunch, then called an emergency session of the Grammy awards. Gathering all of the world's signed artists in one place, they vowed that if they couldn't profit off of them, no one could have them. Kool-Aid™ was served. The RIAA sent back a crack team of lawyers right before collapse, hoping to destroy the Pirate Bay in it's infancy. It worked, rewriting history and eventually taking over the world.

Trivia

  • The only sound that you are permitted to hear in the eyes of the RIAA is the sound of children screaming.
  • The previous allowance was redacted because that sounds too similar to the sound of the girl dying in "Love Rollercoaster", so therefore you are only permitted to hear fingernails screeching on a chalkboard.
  • The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the RIAA as "a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the the first against the wall when the revolution comes." Incidentally, a copy of the Encyclopedia Allknowica which came through a time warp from 50 years into our future defines the RIAA as "a bunch of mindless jerks who were the the first against the wall when the revolution came."
  • In March of 1997, the RIAA attempted to bring suit against Uncyclopedia. Fortunately, they were all eaten by a grue.
  • The RIAA is responsible for the deletion of the Girl God article.
  • The RIAA is protecting your freedom so you'd better stop whining commie boy. Who will you complain to when the terrorists come and steal your freedom?
  • Because of the terrorism that exists with the RIAA, many around the world have united to form the anti-RIAA movement, performing many tasks. This includes publishing the movie "RIAA: The AXIS of evil" by Barrack Obama, the song "Fuck the RIAA" by the NWA, spreading the pirate virus, uniting Ninjas and Pirates to battle out the RIAA, and so forth.
  • They really are a pack of cock suckers.
  • It is a medical fact that anyone who claims to support the RIAA immediatley gets herpes.
  • The RIAA have never paid for music in their life, preferring to steal it from the minds of dying children.
  • The RIAA is going to sue YOU!

See Also

Personal tools
projects