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Royal Air Force Station Packington (RAF Packington) is a top secret military establishment in the English County of Staffordshire. It is home to the UK's stockpile of Weapons of Mass Distraction (WMDs). Packington is currently under the steely command of Group Captain Johnny "Nimrod" Hunter-Harrier DFC JPA QDJM.
RAF Packington started off in 1826 as a pork-and-mustard factory run by local pink industrialist Jeremiah Gottmein-Himmel, who leased the site to the burgeoning Royal Scottish Air force (RSAF) who needed to establish a grass runway emergency landing strip (GREMLIN) for their aircraft returning from the disastrous First Porridge War against Kent. This saw the permanent loss of SRAF Branston, now Kent International Airport. Branston fell into disrepair and is now home to the Defence Fire and Risk Taking Organisation who regularly set fire to aeroplanes to scare the living daylights out of weary passengers on their final approach to KIA. This is an unfortunate acronym as it also abbreviates "Killed in action"
Gottmein-Himmel was an unpopular character and was notorious for hurling complex obscenities such as "puke up ya clunge" and "piss up a pole, fuck-stick," a habit that later became the basis of the character Timmy the Rude Kid in the 20th century comic Viz. Ill health befell him as a consequence of existing on a diet of Irn Bru, vodka and cider mixed in 5-litre plastic flagons and marketed as Kremlin Smash. He died alone in abject poverty, though his life is commemorated by the annual Pancake Races in Bore Street, Lichfield. One of Gottmein-Himmels final acts was to throw eggs and flour at the local magistrates court building, Griddle house.
The outbreak of civil war in the Colon Heights caused national alarm and all the Scottish aviators were recalled to Hadriana by 1856 — just two minutes after the 18:54 Tamworth-to-Whittington left from Platform 3. The newly formed Royal Air Force (RAF) took over the deserted site, as they had a lot of tarmac left over from another job. Defence procurement was then a dark art and a contract for £36 million was awarded to an American fraudster Charles Lindbergh, who used his income to propagate lies about the first trans-Atlantic flight.
The first non-stop trans-Atlantic crossing was made by three British RAF aviators: Grounds, Symes and Wareness, keen pipers and all born in nearby Lichfield. The three spires of Lichfield Cathedral were erected in their honour.
Their revolutionary petrol-powered three-seater triplane "Cranwell" was the first aircraft to leave the 9-mile runway that still stretches from Litchfield to Tamworth. Great Britain has a rich history of concealing military installations as benign features - Many maps of RAF Kenley, intergral to the Battle of Britain show the base as a golf course. The "A" runway at Packington has had dips and bends installed to conceal it as a road
Lindbergh opened a "trans-Atlantic"-themed snack bar at the Tamworth end of the runway selling the now imfamous Lindburger, made entirely of FOD, from which the term fodder is derived. Growing tired and obese, his syphilitic partner Naafi Byrd (pictured) left him soon afterwards but not before learning the trade. She returned to the United States and fell in with famous rockers Supertramp. A dissapointment to the group she was dismissed as "not much of a girlfriend" in the track "Breakfast in America"
A bitter legal paternity row over who was the real "Cocoa-Pop" started with the birth of Byrd's eighth child Ntmbe Bhutalese-Jade, born with noticably un-aryian features. Ntmbe "BJ" Byrd briefly guest-hosted The Jeremy Kyle TV show in 2006 when through illness Kyle disappeared up his own festering prolapsed hoop.
Many years later an American rapper, Slim Shady, the bastard great-great-grandson of Lindbergh and Byrd, named his dozen-selling album Nine Miles, a reference to the vast expanse of tarmac at Packington after the original title JPA was considered too obscene.
In preparation for war, the Ministry For Offense (MFO) started to lay a secondary runway. This was completed in 2007 and the project's secret codename M6T was changed to the less threatening sounding Midlands Excessway. No plane has ever used this tarmac and it is now completely overrun by cars, coaches, and trucks. There are controversial plans move the London Orbital motorway, M25 to the West Midlands as part of a larger re-centralisation policy by the UK Government, or MMA, the Midlands Mashhup Authority.
World War II broke out and very bad things occurred. The Germans sent Neville Chamberlain home with a sticky bit of paper that he tried to shake off at the top of the steps on disembarkation at Packington. Lots of dogs fouled the pavements of Paris in Extremely Lower Saxony and more dreadful things happened. Fortunately, chain-smoking philanthropist Winston Churchill gave Johnny Foreigner a proper left-handed bitch-slap, and the war was won. Since then it has become "politically incorrect" to use the term "Johnny Foreigner" or to bitch-slap anything except tax-payers and pensioners.
The role of RAF Packington changed in the early 1940s and was no longer used for active flying except by the USAF flying storm of death, the B52 and the slightly more costly two-stroke British A51. These never in fact got airborne as diesel was found to be unsatisfactory when mixed with balsamic vinegar. The A51 was in turn supeceded by the M42 and the entire squadron was moved to Del Monte airfield near Akrotiri in Cyprus. To this day they continue to not fly secret missions over places like not Syria. At all. Missions over not Syria continued long into the not 21st Century.
Towards the mid fifties, RAF Packington had established itself as the ideal repository for weapons of mass destruction as it is sited conveniently between Baldermaston, Sellafield and Syria. It is connected directly to the Military Port at Marchare by a 183 mile tunnel, most of which is to be leased to the Frailtrack Consortium to form the underground sections of HS2. This is the high-speed rail link from London to Grim-up-North via the back gardens of not a single MP. HS2 has broadly split the nation in two: those who oppose it, and those who are receiving giant back handers to make it happen anyway.
RAF Packington's toxic past and future leagacy is administered by the sinister organisation DMS(W)- Defence Molecular Sciences (Warfare) whose buildings can be seen clearly from the road at the Lichfield end of the airfield. A massive expansion has taken place over recent years with fleets of complety un-marked white trucks ferrying equipment in along with a massive building project. The whole site is protected by ECM (electronic counter measures) making the use of mobile phones or internet impossible. Access is controlled by the MGPS (Ministry of Defence Guarding and Policing Service) who despite having GPS are usually unable to navigate around the enormous complex. Internal security and airfield defence is the responsibility of the RAF regiment who have an impressive array of heavily armed specialist vehicles, allowing them to stand toe-to-toe with the Parachute Marine regiment of Poole in Dorset.
RAF Packington today
Extensive landscaping, funded by an income generation scheme devised by Civil servants at the MoD whereby a fleet of Nimrods was smashed up to build liferafts for HMS Ark Royal. This was immediately decommisioned and, leased to the French Navy. So far £47 Million or the equivalent in euros has been raised. This glorious vessel now patrols the Dover-Calais shipping route renamed HMS Joan of Arque Royale and provides an emergency runway for Branston Airfield in heavy fog. To the untrained eye, RAF Packington looks like any rural farmland with the occasional mile of razor wire and nuclear bunkers. One of the many pig compactors on the base has passed into private ownership and is maintained by the defence contractors Shodexxo-com, but this is run at a considerable loss. As a cost saving measure a proposal has been put by the House of Comedians Reject Committee to merge RAF Packington with the nearby, underground and equally secret HMRNB Packington, home to some of Britain's most expensive submarines.
The Future of RAF Packington
Packington's activities were ploughed over in 2007 creating a giant 'sarcasticus' using soil and rocks mined at the now flooded Mytchettand Blockhouse quarries in the south of England but will remain under military control for the next 200 years disguised as a pig farm. Mytchett quarry is now flooded. the subsequent subsidence caused the Military School of Bandaging and Tubigrip to relocate to somewhere called Whittington. Blockhouse is now a shadow of its former industrial mightiness, and is now home to HMS Dolphin, the navy school of pole dancing and an Immigration Deportation Centre. When viewed from the air RAF Packington is identical to RAF Welford, that other top secret place off the eastbound M4 just after Swindon with the big red "works unit only" sign.
Most remarkable for local residents is the existence of Her Majesty's Naval Base Clyde South, but known officially as HMRNB Packington. HMRNB is a collossal underground Submarines maintenence, fuelling and arming facility for among others the new Unastute Class hunter-gatherer methane powered vessels.
Protected from maritime attack by being 120 miles inland, HMRNB Packington is accessed from the Coventry Canal via the Hopwas Tunnel concealed by the camouflage of the "Tame Otter". This structure is cunningly disguised as an English Pub, or Public House. This 130' structure rotates on a giand hydraulic turntable to allow submarines to enter the sink hole below. The canal/tunnel interface was designed by Hank Christian Anderton, the American architect cousin of the creator of Thunderbirds Tracey "Beaker" Anderton.
It is thought that some of the stop-motion animatronics from the popular TV series was the inspiration for "the Otter", and two of Anderton's other massive projects, the Thames Barrier Reef, and a Control - Command centre for Dr Evil in Austin Towers, Texas.
The Hopwas tunnel is unique as a shipping canal due to it' 45 degree incline. Submarines are helped up against garavity by an impressive array of Rack and Ventouse escalating hydrolocks. Hopwas was also the inspiration for Junior Erotic fiction writer J R Hartley's "Hogwarts" trilogy The upward journey takes over an hour. The downward journey, conversely is completed in under a minute with a tsunamiesque outpouring of up to 3 million metric gallons of mildly contaminated water into the River Tame. Combined with Hartley's plagiarism this is where the term Hogwash originates from.
Significant flood defences have been built around the Catalunyan town of Tamworth to divert and contain these surges. Hydrographically these have been very successful actively preventing the Tame from reaching London. Historians have chosen to invent a story about the Romans inventing the now-capital city Londininum in 1726. It is said that the sneering "Hah!" of Gastronius Paxus, one time Court Urinator to the first King of London, Dick Whittington is where the Thame river ( London) got its extra (but silent) "H".
By a turn of extreme geographical coincidence, Whittington came from a small village bearing his name, Dick. This village in Staffordshire, England lies directly over the Llanberis Chamber of HMRNB Packington where the methane turbines are sandblasted clean, deep underground. Rock and soil from the site was transported to fill a giant secret underground installation at Monkton Farleigh in Avon, England which in turn was dug to house the soil and rocks excavated from the even-more secret stuff at Corsham, Wiltshire, and cunningly named MOD Corsham, Burlington and "site 3". Train services via the secret branch from Box Hill Tunnel have become infrequent, with most passengers preferring to travel from Dorking instead.
Disaster at Packington
On February 31st 2008 Finbarr Saunders, commander of Blue Watch, Tamworthshire Fire Brigade was woken by a terrifying tearing and smashing noise. Unbeknown to him and the sleeping community Blue watch got their name from the type of DVD they watched while not going out to fires. More pressing was the fact that KX58, HMS Bulmer a visiting Kettle Class submarine had accidentally discharged its ballast in the Hopwas tunnel, at its highest point and unceremoniously smashed its way to street level. The over-manned station had long been facing criticism for sloth, inactivity or just being champions of stupidity. One source of the community's attrition was the infamous hose train ramp incident, also involving the PFT []
Such was the extreme geophysical force of this intrusion, 300 metres of roadway needed replacing, and the ornate Doric arches of Europe's most extravagant fire station were undermined and required demolition. The area was completely cordoned off, with a vow of secrecy imposed at gunpoint and court order on the hundreds of Packingtonians who rushed out to view the spectacle. No fire appliance was able to leave the station for a week. Local Councillor Chandler Freemason noted that was no real difference from before "that thing that never happened".HMS Bulmer was severly damaged, and the recovery / makeover operation was complex, and costed an estimated £2million. Despite the devastation, there was only one casualty: Boris the fire station pet cat who was crushed by a reversing safety vehicle.
Operations continue to this day but submarine movements are controlled by a pilot permanently based at HMRNB Packington. The Coventry Canal has recently been dredged to assist ingress and egress which exclusively happens at night, or when Emmerdale is on TV to distract the nation's prying eyes.
Packington fire station has been replaced by a corrugated iron shelter. It has one remaining fire appliance and a portakabin for the retained crew. Funded by a share-lease deal with TyreWorld in Abattoir Lane, on the outskirts of town. This proud tyre retailer had to significantly down-size after a disastrously timed "we will slash your tyre costs" campaign was halted after a gruesome double murder the following year.
Two travelling Irish Minstrels Jedward and Jedward were set upon by an unknown assailant, and despite there being three hundred witnesses the crime went unsolved. A memorial bearing the inscription "Thank You Lord" marks the spot.
More Disasters at PackingtonThe Previously referenced PFT (Packington Freight Tunnel) is now somewhat of a misnomer as there is a six mile section of overground track. The construction of the regional road A38 near the village of Hint, Staffordshire broke through into uncharted workings of a long-disused bollock mine causing a significant collapse. The PFT was breached and trains could not ferry their deadly cargo between Defence Molecular Sciences (Warfare) and the military port of Marchare at Southampton-on-Solent. Re-boring the tunnel was considered too costly.
The track was therefore "surfaced" but still top secret, so could not be shown on any maps nor have any warning signs, or be protected by any gates or barriers. Sinister road markings urge drivers not to look left or right in case they see anything that the shouldn't. this is emphasised by a "no stopping" sign on the eastern side of the crossing.
A similar situation exists in Poole, Dorset where there isn't a secret unmarked railway which runs from the SBS (Special Bog Snorkellers) base down to Poole Harbour. It was a little after midnight on July 2nd 1998 that a coach filled with freshly inseminated Essex Girls was stuck by an unlit PFT Biohazard train at speed. The remarkable strength of their make up and underwired thongs prevented any injury on scene. The full consequences of the ensuing spill were not to be known for a generation when it became obvious that the entire county of Essex had turned orange.
- ↑  - Royal Scottish Air Force ensign
- ↑  - RAF Packington road signs.
- ↑  - RAF Packington's modern headquarters
- ↑ MGPS officer protecting the headquarters of RAF Packington
- ↑ Revolutionary military vehicle operated by RAF regiment
- ↑ Nimrods in all their glory
- ↑ Her Majesty's Royal Naval Boaters.
- ↑ Spartacus's father.
- ↑ Mytchett - view from above
- ↑ RAF Welford - view from above
- ↑ HMNRB packington
- ↑ The sink hole in question
- ↑ Sequel to Fly Fishing and Maggots Ate My Flesh.
- ↑