Royal Air Force
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The Royal Air Force (RAF) was created by mistake in the 11th century, when King Edward the Second was heard by three knights, to mutter "Who will rid me of this troublesome wig?" Instead of rushing off to Canterbury to murder Thomas Beckett, they invented hair transplants. King Edward was so impressed he created the "Royal Hair Force" immediately.
800 years later, Adolf Hitler was so pissed off with his comb-over, he resolved to conquer all of Europe, until he obtained the secret of a decent hair style.
Wave upon wave of effeminate Nazi hairdressers descended on London during 1940-41, mostly by parachute. So many houses were destroyed by stray hairdryers, and other heavyweight hairdressing hardware, this period became know as the "Blitz". The Royal Hair Force put up a valiant fight, their superior "Spitfire" hair laquer sprays blinding many of the enemy and the "Hurricane" hair dryers blowing many enemy parachutists back over the English Channel. The RAF really hate germans because of this. During the sixties and sevethies they were responible for several bombings in Germany untill their leaders commited suicide in prison. Their imprisonement had nothing to do with the bombings, they were arrested for 700 unpaid parking tickets. Appearently, they all forgot that their cars were parked over the handicap spots on a british airport all the time from 1940 trough 1974.
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[edit] History
[edit] 1918
The RAF was actually renamed the Royal Air Farce on the 1st April 1918 as a whimsical joke by Baron David Lloyd von George the inventor of the treadmill. Since patrons of this elite flying club either didn't realise the joke or couldn't give a monkey's left testicle as they were "too blotto in the mess", subsequently the name stuck. In later discussions it was advised that further funding from the government was required for all officers to get an expensive new blue suit made in Covent Garden for their parading around in public. This would enable the general public to recognise them and distinguish them from the other poor buggers that had to fight in the trenches. It was later found that they couldn't afford any aeroplanes and had to default on their loan and borrow aircraft from the Germans.
[edit] 1919
The first non-stop transatlantic crossing is made by British RAF aviators Alcock (snigger) and Brown (Captain John Alcock and Lieutenant Arthur Whitten Brown). As usual, the fucking Yanks completely ignored this event and only ever talk about Charles Lindbergh
[edit] 1927
Charles Lindbergh makes his crossing over the Atlantic. Only eight fucking years after the British did it.(the Yanks are real cunts) Meanwhile, the RAF cleans up 1st and 2nd at the Schneider Trophy races with their Supermarine seaplanes (woop woop!).
[edit] 1930
Using the Rolls-Royce Merlin engines from the Schneider Trophy race Supermarines, the first 1000 horse-power hair dryers enter service with the RAF. Able to dry the most voluminous hair from 20 miles away. A whole new era of home visit hairdressing begins.
[edit] 1939
The Second World Hairdressing War Begins. With cries of "chase me sweetie!", the British Expeditionary Hairdressing Force heads for Dunkirk. The Germans could have easily cut off their retreat, but the salons and boutiques of Paris proved too much of a temptation. Almost 20,000 hairdressers and 280,000 trainees were successfully evacuated from the beaches of Dunkirk. Unfortunately 250,000 hair technicians fell into German hands, they refused to swim out to the boats without a hairnet. Great Britain sank into a dark era of overgrown fringes and bad comb-overs. Only the slap-headed Winston Churchill was immune to the privations of wartime. Despite being bombarded with leaflets showing the latest hairstyles from Paris, morale in Britain remained high. Women from all over the land, armed with pudding basins and crimping shears, fought valiantly to keep hair out of the nation's eyes.
[edit] Red Arrows
The R.A.F. Scampton All-Singing-All-Dancing Display Team (commonly known as the Red Arrows) represent the egotistic men (and women, yeah, that's what its come too...) of the RAF. All pilots on the squadron have flown 74 hours of fast jet flying, operating in the North Pole and Jamaica. Known for wearing their iconic red flying suits, they blend into the jets' overall colour to avoid thousands of fans and monks. Applicants to the team often have a patriotic streak and a predeliction for winter breaks in Cyprus. When they are in the air, Red 1 uses radio calls such as "Smoke on...Go" which can be heard during their display. Others include "Reds 1,2,3 dont move! 7 and 8 f**k off!" This was heard for the first time at the Fairford Air Tattoo of 1997. The team developed a new aerobatic manoeuvre for 2009 - The penis bend. This involves all 9 jets arranging themselves into a penis shape. This represents USA ex-president George W.Bush.
[edit] The Modern RAF
The RAF is becoming most effective in terms of aircraft. Recently been signed for a £836bn contract with WeDontCrash airlines, the RAF have become more of a powerful fighting force. The most recent aircraft to enter service was the Eurofighter, which came on RAF strength with a formal flypast yesterday. This turned into the type's retirement flypast, leaving the RAF solely to provide inspiration for Frank Spencer and to turn up at ceremonial events.
The RAF have designed new career options for people with such talent and unique qualifications: hairdressers, magicians, tattooists and even photosynthesis therapists are just some of the many jobs that have been introduced. The Chief of air staff said: "Well my hair needs to look amazing since I am, well the boss! Also I was pissed at the time and made a inaccurate mistake for the photosynthesis therapists but who really does care"
[edit] The Future of the RAF
The RAF is gradually losing its pilots as most use the RAF to gain their pilot's licence and depart to FlyBE or Virgin Atlantic soon afterwards, thus the RAF has no future as an independent fighting force and it will be sold to New Zealand in 2010, as Helen Clark needs an air force with which to invade somewhere (applicants please apply within).
[edit] See also
- Biggles, the quintessential butch RAF flyboy.
- Air Training Corps
