From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
sketch / notes ~ Avast Matey!!! Happytimes are here!* (talk) (stalk) Π ~ ~ 30 Sep 2010 ~ 04:48 (UTC)
|This article is under construction for the The Article Whisperer writing competition.|
“Well, he's still a douche!”
R. Kelly, (Born Argentine Kelly Kapowski) Now aged to his late fifties, American R(oberto). (Sylvester) Kelly (January 8th, 1967 - just now), is an occasional mediocre rapper and formerly successful R & B "artist" with a bevey of musical hits. As a three time Grammy winner he has joined the ranks of other well known "musicians" such as Celine Dion, Baha Men, Michael Bolton and Milli Vanilli. Mega-popular for his R & B jams during the 1990's his success was unprecedented. Having been one of the top-selling musical acts during that time he's been able to hold onto celebrity status today through the use of blackmail and payola. Kelly's newer songs often include explicit sexual references and repetitious statements of the obvious.
|Birth name||Robert P. Kelly|
|Also known as||P. Kelly|
|Born|| 27 years, 340 days September 27, 1982|
Chicago, Illinois, United States
|Label(s)||Young Money, Cash Money, Universal Motown|
edit Early hits
R. Kelly began his singing career as a fetus when he rhymed, "lub-dub" with "dub-lubb." Rumored to be of Chicago birth, he was born a poor child. But a simple wish upon a shooting star made at a family barbecue began his rocket to fame. Kelly's entire list of songs is prolific.
Note: Kelly's body of work is so large that it violates Uncyclopedias' list policy and legally cannot be shown here.
Most famous for talking about himself in third person; stating he is "the most important black man alive,"
edit Rhyming R. Kelly with felony
Success took a bad turn when it was alleged that his penis was too small to confirm the urination allegations,and Kelly was charged with fraud for claiming that he was the true urinator.
edit Child sex tape/pornography trial
In 2002, the Chicago Police Child Investigative Unit (CPCIU) and a writer for the Chicago Suntimes showed protégé Sparkle a videotape allegedly of her younger niece, then allegedly approximately 14, and R. Kelly allegedly engaging in alleged sexual acts. Sparkle identified the young girl as her sister's daughter. Sparkle testified against R. Kelly in a subsequent criminal trial on charges of child pornography in 2008.
The jury found Kelly not guilty in the case. The trial had been delayed repeatedly, and the matter was only heard more than six years after it was originally reported. More than six years of hit after hit. Six years of golden R. Kelly.
edit Chapter eleven
Although chapter eleven is the most widely acclaimed portion of the H'opera (revealing the midget as the baby daddy) all the chapters are relevant in their own way, as seen here: Chapter 1, 2, , 4, 5, , , 8, , , 11, , 13, , , , , , , , , 22, [23-32 = coming soon], [33-infinity = summer, 2013].
edit A video of his new urban opera
Trapped in the cupboard (Chapters 1 thru 189):
edit Drinking game rules
A happy fun time substance abuse bored game can be brought out of the closet with these three simple rules when watching the hiphopera or hiphopera commentary:
- Every time R. Kelly repeats himself, says something redundant, or explains what is happening on or off the screen, take a drink.
- Go to the emergency room for alcohol poisoning.